So it's come to this: Star Wars Episode VII

If you haven't heard, Disney announced yesterday that it had purchased LucasFilm for a cool $4 Bil and more importantly, that Star Wars Episode VII was in the very early stages of pre-production -- it is expected to hit theaters in 2015 with several sequels to follow.  It seems as though many "people" (assholes who write their cynical, uninformed, and worthless opinions about everything on the internet -- aka trolls) don't really know what to think.  Well I do, so let me be your asshole.  

First, every person is different.  His or her opinions are going to be shaped by the sum of their experiences and their predilections.  It would behoove me to tell you about myself so you see the route I took to reach these opinions.  The first thing I can tell you about myself is the most damning: I was never a Star Wars fanatic.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the movies, and I have seen them all dozens of times.  I just never had any Star Wars toys or dressed up as a Star Wars character for halloween or read - or god help me, written - any Star Wars fan fiction or exhibited any of the tell-tale fanboy signs.  Check that, the second thing is probably more damning and needlessly tangential: I think Star Trek is literally one-thousand times better than Star Wars in just about every way and will not listen to any argument to the contrary.  The third thing is near-blasphemy: I didn't hate the prequel trilogy.  Sure, Hayden Christensen was a bad decision, and I know bad decisions.  And sure, Episodes I and II were both very, very boring.  But Episode III was pretty enjoyable.  I thought it made the whole prequel venture worthwhile.  So that's me when it comes to Star Wars.

No matter how you feel about the last 15 years in the Star Wars universe -- and by that I mean the last 15 years in our universe, of which Star Wars is a part, only inasmuch as it pertains to Star Wars -- this is a good thing.  I can foresee only a few possible negative consequences (more on those later).  Why is it a good thing?  I'm glad you asked!

(1) It Could Be Great!!!

 Let's not forget who's running the show this time: Not George Lucas. More specifically (although more abstract), Disney.  And Disney is kinda good at this making-movies thing.  There's no need to fear any Disneyfication because there's nothing to DIsneyficate in the first place -- Star Wars is remarkably devoid of blood and guts and if you can just look past a small bout of incestual grown-up kissing between Luke and the only female in the universe (who also happens to be his sister, FML), nothing sexually-explicit either.  There will, however, be almost definitely be too much CGI.  Sometimes less is more Disney.

I think a part of the reason why the prequels fell into such disrepute is because they were prequels.  We got new movies, but we got nothing new from them, save for a shiny CGI-laced veneer.  The sophisticated movie audience doesn't want to be taken by the hand and given a visual tour of everything that happened to get to where we are now.  To many, the tragedy of Darth Vader was just as wrenching, if not more so, before the prequel trilogy.  I don't know if I agree.  On the one hand, someone did decide that Hayden Christensen portraying Anikan Skywalker as a whiny, ungrateful brat (even when that made no sense once his humble beginnings as a slave-boy were established) was a good idea.  On the other hand, I was moved that Anikan ultimately turned to the dark side due as a result of the pursuit of very human desires: love and protecting our loved ones.  And that Anikan was, in a way, pushed towards the dark side by the Jedi, who, for all their merits, had become robotically disconnected from natural emotions and desires.

With the prospect of new movies, there's also a refreshing lack of carry-over conceptual constraints.  Creative's hand isn't forced towards a particular endgame.  Yoda is dead.  Obi-Wan is dead.  Vader is dead.  The Emperor is dead.  Jar-Jar Binks was cyber-bullied into suicide.  I have serious doubts that Harrison Ford or Mark Hamill or Carrie Fisher or Billy Dee Williams will be in this movie -- although I hope to god I'm wrong about the latter.  They'll keep the light-sabers and the force, and -- god-willing -- R2-D2, and that's about it.  Logically, there will be some nexus between the original trilogy and the upcoming slate of Star Wars films. It's anyone's best guess what that nexus will be.  Maybe Han and Leia have kids and they're the main characters (I'd be shocked if this didn't happen); maybe... no seriously I can't even suggest another possibility, but I'm sure it exists.  A fresh slate could be just what the doctor ordered for the Star Wars franchise.

(2)  Even if it sucks... who cares?

Then again, there's a chance this movie sucks.  There's a chance that Disney hands the reigns to someone who completely misses the point.  There's a fairly large chance this movie is geared towards an entirely different generation who haven't yet been magically introduced to the Force, the Jedi, or lightsabers; and thus spends too much time telling us again how to make a Jedi, again.  But does it really matter?

I saw Star Wars: The Clone Wars in theaters... the day it opened.  And I hated it.  It may have dashed some unreasonably high hopes, but it didn't change a thing about the way I feel regarding Star Wars.  When I catch Empire Strikes Back on TV, I watch it, and I love it.  

Same goes for Lucas' constant tinkering with the finished product.  While I certainly will not say I like his changes -- his "re-mastering" if you will -- they are very minor and at worst they make a great movie an iota less great.  Even then, the main culprit is the stranglehold we demand on all things nostalgic.  Someone who has never seen Star Wars will have the same magical experience whether he is introduced to the saga by way of the re-mastered trilogy or the original trilogy in its original form.  They will.

This point is magnified for all those who've spent time and resources trying to erase the prequels from their mind.  If the franchise is already "ruined" for you, then what's another bad movie?  Nope, shut up.  Shut your mouth.  Go outside, read a book, volunteer your time.  I don't care what you do, just shut up already. But I will address your point of view later...  

(3) The Desensitization Factor aka The Battleship Constant

Listen, today's world sucks.  Sure there's beauty almost everywhere we look, but nothing feels like it matters anymore to anyone unless it's boiled down to dollars and cents.  Each year, there are more and more original ideas thrown in the trash to make way for production studios to either recycle old ones or pursue "sure-thing" ventures.  These sure-thing ventures have increasingly taken the form of turning old toys into movies even when that idea makes no damn sense because of cross-brand merchandising or some other made-up term I should've learned (I somehow have a business degree, although I'm pretty sure I've just assumed the appearance and consciousness of someone who got a business degree before I took over).  In the next few years we are getting movies based on View Master, Hot Wheels, Monopoly, Erector Set, Candyland, Magic 8-Ball, Ouija.  By the way, I did not make any of those up.  View Master! A movie about looking at pictures of things!  The fact that there are people in this world who thinks a View Master movie is a good idea and that those people are more rich and powerful than I will ever be and will thus probably be made immortal when mankind invents immortality in 30 years when I die poor and alone from a hit-and-run accident as I'm walking peacefully from my 1st job to my 2nd job because I can't afford car ownership just makes me sick to my stomach.

But having said that, Star Wars was always going to be squeezed until there was no juice left.  In one of my classes this semester, we've been talking a lot about whether it is "clearly established" law that a certain act in certain circumstances violates a person's constitutional rights.  Most of the time, that inquiry can be quite hairy.  But by any account, it is clearly established and has been for almost 20 years (at least) that Star Wars exploitation is a very, very fruitful endeavor.  Did we really expect that we were done?  That it all was to end with a successful animated series on Cartoon Network?  You were kidding yourself.  Nothing Star Wars has ever failed financially.  At least new Star Wars movies create buzz about the original trilogy.  At least we're not getting "Everyone Loves Slinky 2: Stair-down." 

I can also imagine some quasi-legitimate arguments for why we should all be angry commenters because of the new Star Wars movies.

(1)  Yeah... but... it is going to be TERRIBLE.  You know that right?

I do.  It probably is.  I was optimistic before but, god damn, these are the same people that gave us TRON: Legacy.  I'd bet my hat that the synopsis will be "Years after the Imperial Wars, Stosh Solo, son of Leia and Han Solo, must learn the Jedi ways in order to stop an evil, the likes of which this galaxy's never seen."  In other words, we get the same thing, but with a hot young actor, and we trade Luke's petulance for Stosh's smarm.  

But I've already covered this.  Who really cares if it's terrible?  Unless the movie starts out with scrolling text that says "Everything that happened in Episodes 4-6 was a dream... Here's what really happened..." 

(2)  I care!  Another bad Star Wars just continues to dilute the meaning of the Star Wars saga.

I can understand this.  Really, I can.  I can imagine being a parent, and  trying to introduce my kids to Star Wars, and seeing them zone out for a moment as they access their brain internets, and then hearing them say "you mean the story of Stosh Solo?"  That might sting.  After all, when it's all said and done, Luke, Han, Chewy, might all be a relatively small part of the Star Wars universe.  Are we ok with that? (I am).  At worst, we'll put a pin in this point.  We may worry, but worrying for 3 years about this is just such a fucking waste of time.

Speaking of wastes of time, I grow weary of writing.