Spanish Team has Sense of Humor

The Spanish Olympic Men's basketball team recently took a photo for a Spanish courier ad:

It should be noted that the team is sponsored by a Chinese shoe company. Apparently there isn't a huge uproar just yet, but I for one am expecting a good amount to ensue. The Spanish team, and the courier that ran the ad have not shown the slightest remorse instead have tried to explain themselves. I fail to believe they did this in homage to the nation of China. They look like they're having a little too much fun. Fun that can only be had at someone else's expense.

Here's something I don't understand from the Chinese perspective. Why not just entirely overlook this? It sounds irrational at first but hear me out. Is anyone in China or anyone else going to argue that the Chinese have small, slanted eyes. No. The small possibility that China wages World War III over this photo (currently the Vegas odds are at 55,000:1) is even more of an insult to the Chinese. By making a big deal out of this picture, the Chinese are in fact telling the World that having slanty eyes is in fact an object of ridicule. The Chinese people should just say "Yeah I got small eyes, what of it?" It's stereotypes like these that drive me out of my skull because they are NOT stereotypes, they are truths.

You don't see the black olympians causing a scene when the Swedish team took a team photo with cucumber's in their pants.

I mean, they say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, so why not accept the compliment China?

I personally hope to see some sort of backlash because it would be a new chapter in poor international relations. Correct me if I'm wrong but when is the last time you saw an Hispanic and an Asian do battle over anything (besides the Asian guy's wallet.... sorry, I take that back, it was a layup)?

The only proper revenge I would suggest is for the Chinese team to all grow mustaches for a few days and then photograph themselves.

Wow, this blog was much more racially insensitive than a photo could ever be, and it wasn''t even a thousand words. I guess that saying is total bullshit.

-Carm

Top 5: Game Shows of All-Time

Carmine’s Top 5 Game Shows

5. Stump the Schwab: This is your classic sports trivia show. However, once the contestants weed out one another through games like “Coaching Ladder” and “Odd Man Out,” they then face-off against the “Sultan of Sports Trivia” Howie Schwab for a chance to win a measly $5000. Make no mistake, I’d do a lot of things for 5k, things I would sorely regret, but I say measly because shows like “Deal or No Deal” give out hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. In this show you have to take-on a former editor-in-chief of College and Pro Football News Weekly who knows an ungodly amount about sports for pride, because the money ain’t the draw. I equate the Schwab to Mike Tyson in Punch-Out. You gotta go through much lesser opponents, who can be dangerous if they catch you off guard, and once you pound through them you’re faced with a challenge that is nearly unbeatable. With Mike Tyson, its one punch and you’re done. With Schwabby, you better not get a question wrong, because he will make you pay. I would put this show possibly in my top 3 if it weren’t hosted by Stuart Scott. The man makes me cringe at least once per show, with his obnoxious efforts to unsuccessfully merge his marginal knowledge of hip-hop with sports.

4. Supermarket Sweep: DanO, a prestigious writer for The Flow holds the opinion that Supermarket Sweep had only one good thing going for it…the sweep. While the all-out bedlam that is “the sweep” certainly is the climax of the show, Supermarket Sweep was riddled with exciting and ultimately significant tidbits. One of which was how they chose the contestants. They used a Price is Right style random selection from the audience except instead of using names they would say “would the audience member holding the Depends undergarments come on dooooooooooooooooooooown!!!” It can be said that the little mini-games for the first half of the show are just filler material, but they did hold significance when it came to the sweep. A team with a 2 minute head-start was nearly unbeatable. During the sweep, we were blessed with the opportunity to see men, women, and homosexuals alike pounce on everyday products, get extra points for getting “special products” (a la the coffee grinders) and run into gigantic BONUS items (one that comes to mind was a fucking life-sized jolly green giant). Once the winner of the Big Sweep is determined (quite often the gay couple because they have two men, and clearly know the most about shopping), the winners would get a chance at…. You guessed it $5000 (notice a theme?). This was very challenging however, as they were given a clue that only someone giving a Holmes-ian effort could decode and find the subsequent product. Once they solved the first clue, they had to solve two more clues. Supermarket Sweep: We. Know. Drama.





3. Double Dare: Fact. Marc Summers was a germaphobe. Keeping that in the back of your mind makes this show that much more enjoyable. Since Double Dare went off the air, all the major slime companies have since been put out of business, except of course for Taco Bell. All joking aside, Double Dare, unlike most game shows started off with a fucking bang. As the show began, Mr. Summers would shout “ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GOOOOOOOO!” and anarchy would ensue. Families would wage war in a physical challenge (usually filling some container to a certain point with slime or a liquid that looked suspiciously like semen). This was mainly for bragging rights (and control of the buzzer). After that, you had some questions, but if I were on a team, I’m hoping for some young country boy with a rat-tail or a mullet from the other team (that accurately described 80-90% of the Double Dare contestants) to try my ass in a physical challenge. I think my favorite physical challenge was “Pie in the Pants” if just for the name alone. The team with the most points at the end of regulation got to participate in the obstacle course…..



My immediate thoughts when watching any Double Dare obstacle course is “how many sweatshops are they running to make all this fucking slime?” or “how many alien bukkake’s are they cleaning up after to get all this fucking slime?” Because of Double Dare, Nickelodeon had so much excess goo that they started marketing it as a toy! No joke. Anyone remember Nickelodeon Gak?



2. Match Game PM: When I watch this show I think one thing… “I wish I was alive in the 70s.” For those of you who don’t know about this show, you’ve got to check it out. I described it to my boy Kenny Kobes as “it was a bunch of c-listers sitting on a panel getting sauced up and smoking cigs, and the point was for the contestants to come up with the same answers that the celebs would write down, except the celebs got so drunk they always made their answers about booze or titties.” Anyone who has seen the show can say that this description is spot fucking on. The host, a masterful Gene Rayburn, would ask a fill-in the blank style question, except the question almost always had a very sexual or drug related connotation. Flirtatious Frannie was so flirtatious. HOW FLIRTATIOUs WAS SHE? Flirtatious Frannie was so flirtatious, when Billy the Bellboy showed her to her room, she showed him her_________. I just made that up but I can attest that the ones on the show made it even easier to shout words like “pussy” and “tits” at the TV. Except this was the 70s, so they called parts of the anatomy much more obscure names by today’s standards. For boobs, they used words like “dunes,” “humps,” and “buzzums.” Besides the humorous answers provided by their cast of characters, there was so much else going on to make this show pure gold. There was the obviously drunken and stoned celebrities, as well as the stoned Gene Rayburn. The drug use is made apparent by watching any video of the show (see below). In fact, Match Game would make for one helluva E! True Hollywood Story. I find it impossibly hard to imagine that the backstage area consisted of anything but a gigantic mound of yayo that hosted several orgies before and after each show (remember: the 70s). Another great piece of unintentional humor was the contestant. The contestents were one of two types of people. On the one side there was the straight-edge “deer-in-the-headlights-what-did-I-fucking-get-myself-into” contestant. Then there was also the “Jesus let’s get this over with so I can get high with Charles Nelson Reilly and then fuck Fannie Flagg” contestant. This game show is legendary because no one cared about the prizes, or the pride, everyone just wanted to have the time of their lives and get as messed up as possible doing so.



1. Jeopardy: For my piece on Jeopardy, I am just going to refer you to my colleague Kenny Kobes’ flawless commentary on what is truly the #1 game show of all time.

Kobes’ Top 5 game Shows

5) Debt

This little-known gem ran from 1996-1998 and was hosted by game show legend Wink Martindale. The premise of the game was an interesting one – three people deep in debt play the game with the winner having their spending problems paid off. It was Jeopardy style, with a board of categories and questions. Unlike Jeopardy though, it was all pop-culture which meant you could easily play along – no-matter how dumb you were.

In the end, the winner had the option of walking away debt-free OR answering a bonus question from their area of specialty. If they got the question correct they would not only pay off their debt, but would also double the amount to take home. If they got it wrong, they walked away empty-handed. This part always pissed me off because of the stupidity these people showed in picking their categories. Why would you choose a vast topic like The Simpsons, when you could just as easily say your specialty was a 2-hour movie like Home Alone? Morons…

4) Family Feud

Its time to play the Feud!!!

Hell yea, it doesn’t get much better than this. Everyone knows this long-running series, though I would only include the Roger Dawson and Ray Combs versions as respectable – sorry Al Borland.

The show was simple, a question was asked to 100 people and 2 families had to figure out the most popular answers. Easy, right? Well no, because this show gave us some of the worst answers in game show history. Don’t believe me? Check out this clip…



The Fast Money round at the end was the best with 2 family members going for the $10,000 prize, which most of the time had some great drama since the damn thing was so hard to win it seemed.

No doubt a classic show.

3) Legends of the Hidden Temple

You could say ‘Legends’, and anyone between the ages of 25-20 is going to know what you’re talking about. This was the SHIT when we were young.

The premise was 6 teams of 2 searching an ancient artifact which has somehow got lost in a temple guarded by a talking boulder and…

You know what, who gives a fuck?

The premise didn’t matter. In fact, the first 3 rounds didn’t matter and actually, they sucked. The Steps of Knowledge were particularly horrendous – is this a game show or history class? Not to mention the host looked like a kid-toucher if I ever saw one.

Everyone watched this show for one reason and one reason only – the Temple Run. The Temple may very well be the most elaborate piece of equipment ever built in game show history (rivaling the Finders Keepers set… look it up). It had everything: secret doorways, puzzles, the always pain-in-the-ass Silver Monkey and the Temple Guards. Goddamn those temple guards always popping out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of me.

If a team somehow made it through the Temple in less than 2 minutes they won a trip to Space Camp. Hell yea! Word to Olmec.

Here is a team falling juuuuust short – sucks for them, right Reed?:



2) The Price is Right

Grandma Betty come on down!!!

Johnny Fratboy, you are about to play Plinko!!!

If you stayed home from school as a kid, your TV was turned to CBS at 11am because ‘Bob Barker and the fabulous 60 minute Price is Right’ was about to hit the airwaves.

I can’t even begin to describe what made this show so great, but I’ll try.

It all starts with Bob Barker. He was amazing in the role of host. The old women loved him and the college kids idolized him. It always seemed like he was genuinely happy when people won a big prize. He may have been inappropriate with a few of Barker’s Beauties backstage, but so what? Hell, they were probably asking for it.

The games were classic. There are too many to name, but some of my favorites were: Golden Road, Plinko, Punch Board, Hole in One (or Two), Clock Game, Cliff Hanger, Dice Game the list goes on an on.

Then came the Big Wheel and the Showcase Showdown… Fuhgetaboutit… This game had it all.

You could play along at home and cheer for the people playing on your TV. You felt their pain when they lost or joy when they won – that, my friends, is why this show was so special. (Note: I say WAS special, because without Bob Barker there is no Price is Right. Ya heard?)

There are so many great videos on YouTube to choose from, but I think this one really expresses all I have written about:



1) Jeopardy

The greatest game show of all-time... What is Jeopardy? (see what I did there?)

We all know the rules and how the game works. We all know how simple it is. We all know who hosts it.

So how has the game managed to survive all these years without ever changing its format?

Simple, answering Jeopardy questions makes people feel smart.

It’s true. Have you ever been in a room with a group of people when Jeopardy was on? Watch someone when they get a question right – it’s like they just split the atom. I don’t know how to explain this phenomenon but it happens. The show has managed to market itself as the ultimate test of knowledge -- despite the fact that it’s just useless trivia.

Still, like many others, I can’t get enough of it. In college it was a dorm room ritual that we would watch Jeopardy every night. I’m not lying when I say that disputed answers sometimes came close to full-out brawls. And the winner? Forget it. You could expect to hear shit-talking from him until the next day when another episode aired.

After all, winning an episode of Jeopardy proves you are smarter than someone.

Quest Series: Mensa Part 1

After doing some thinking during my lunch break... well, take out the word thinking and replace it with drinking, I thought of the brilliant idea for a new column for The Flow. After a few Bass Ales, the Quest Series was born. The name is kind of self-explanatory; one member of our writing staff will take on a challenge and chronicle the events leading up to his ultimate success or failure. Being the patriarch of this idea, its only fair that I also serve as the guinea pig; quite like Norman Osbourne/the Green Goblin. As my first quest, I will attempt to gain entry to the elite club for so-called geniuses: Mensa.



For those of you not familiar with Mensa, it is a very secretive group that only allows entry to people with an IQ above the 98th percentile. Allow me to post an excerpt from their official constitution. One might call this their mission statement.

Mensa "provides a forum for intellectual exchange among members. Its activities include the exchange of ideas by lectures, discussions, journals, special-interest groups, and local, regional, national, and international gatherings; the investigations of members' opinions and attitudes; and assistance to researchers, inside and outside Mensa, in projects dealing with intelligence or Mensa." [Mensa Constitution]

Basically in laymen's terms, the above paragraph states that Mensa is an organization for smart people to do the same things that they do everyday, except they don't have to keep looking over their shoulders for the occasional retard.

Are these people on their high horses or what? You would think an organization that sets out to align the world's population of geniuses would want to serve a greater good than to sit on their asses and talk about how stupid everyone else is. They don't even make any attempt to try and translate their intellect into swagger with the ladies. Despite my criticism, I will try to gain entry to this elite club of nerds and Asians.

After conducting some simple research, it seems the only way to get into Mensa is to take their official Mensa test, administered regionally. There's also the alternative of submitting evidence of your score on an approved IQ test. Since I don't have the latter, my choice is easy.

As suggested by the Mensa website, the first step is taking the Mensa workout. This quiz consists of 30 IQ questions that you are given 30 minutes to complete. I've tested at "genius" levels before on IQ tests so I was supremely confident, despite my lackluster GPA in college. The questions were a mixed bag of number sequences, word play, pattern recognition, etc. Some were very very difficult. In the end, I scored a 28 out of 30. That was about what I had come to expect, although I surprised myself with a couple of good estimates. Mensa's website, which I can only assume is run telepathically through the mind of a robot/supercomputer with artificial intelligence, predicted that I have a "very strong" chance at acquiring a membership to their band of social outcasts.

After what some would call an utter domination of the Mensa workout, I was riding high. I looked up when the next test sessions in the Washington, DC area would be. Unfortunately, I can't attend the next test, so I can't give an ETA as to when Part 2 of this series will be.

I should point out that Mensa has many subchapters. The subchapter that will be reviewing me is called the Metropolitan Washington Mensa. The leader of this cadre is a man known simply as Herb Guggenheim. I know what you're thinking... "Herb Guggenheim, what a sweet porn name." (could be made sweeter if it were Herb Huge-enheim) I thought the same thing. That is, of course, until I saw his picture. This guy couldn't pass for a pornstar if his name were Herpes Von Monstercock, not even a gay one. Without further ado...

Suuuuuuuey. Suuuuuu-Suuuuu-Suuuuuey! Damn that's a face made for radio.

Turns out they're actually a pretty active group. They go to shooting ranges, comedy clubs, drinking, etc. The catch is that you gotta hang out with droves of people looking like ol' Herbie up there. But hell, this is the Quest Series, and I'm setting a precedent. If I'm doing this thing, I'm doing it balls to the wall. Until next time...

-Carm

Adventures in Nostalgia #2: Toejam & Earl

For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...



Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.

I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.

If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.

This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.

There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):

• Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
• Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
• Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
• Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
• Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
• Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
• Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
• Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
• Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!

These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?

Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:

• Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
• Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
• Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.

While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:

• Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
• A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
• A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
• Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
• Chickens with tomato firing mortars
• Inivisible Boogey Man
• Satan
• An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)

If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).

Enjoy!

Study: Bats and Humans Have Similar Interests

"I Had a Bat in My Bra!"

I could probably write the most brilliant piece of journalism in the world right now and the only thing you would take home from it would be what I am about to say: this chick is a 19 year old with 34FF yabbos!

She also doesn't seem to be too bright because that bat was reportedly just chillin' with her sweat hogs for approximately 5 HOURS! I don't know about you, but after reading a number of articles in regards to this event, I'm pretty certain the girl is a vampiropheliac (gets off to bats). This bat, which was apparently the size of a human hand, had to have been placed there intentionally by Miss Hawkins herself. There is no way a girl, whose supple breasts were already spilling out of her bra, would not notice if i just stuck my fist and jammed it in there with them, and my fist doesn't have fucking fangs (the better to bite off your nips with). When asked suspiciously as to why she didn't do anything about it during the first 5 hours, her excuse was that she thought it was her cell phone vibrating. All well and good, she didn't think it was a bat, but this lame-ass excuse, if true, just solidifies the fact that this chick is a nympho. What kind of a girl stores her cell phone in her bra routinely enough to not find it out of the ordinary? And furthermore, what kind of girl, whose phone is being kept in her bra, doesn't answer it when it vibrates, presumably from the sheer pleasure? I'll tell you what kind of girl... my kind.

After a punch line like the one above, most sensible comedians would end their act on a high note. I however am neither sensible nor a comedian so this show must go on. Let's just assume for the moment that the truth is that this girl really did not notice a fist-sized bat in her bra. To me, this puts to rest the already absurd argument that a girl's jugs are even close to as sensitive as a guy's nuts. There is no way if something the size of a grain of rice were in my underwear, rubbin' up on my sac, I wouldn't panic. If it were the size of a hand, I would panic (depending on how feminine the hand was to the touch). If it were the size of a hand, and had teeth, and claws and could fucking fly, I would only anger it further by soiling it involuntarily. Next time you punch a girl in the tits (by accident or on purpose) and she attempts to get even with you by inflicting pain on your balls, cite this article.

-Carm

A Yankees Fan's Take on: The Rivalry

I hate to say I told you so... but I did say it. In 2004, the worst thing that can or will ever happen to a sports fan happened to me. Of course we all know that I am talking about the Red Sox coming back from down 3-0 to defeat the Yankees in the ALCS. This was also the last time I ever experienced the emotion known as anger. I have not been angry since because I have not been able to. In South Park, Cartman once blew a funny fuse, claiming that seeing people with asses for faces were the funniest thing he was ever going to see, and therefore could not laugh. The 2004 ALCS was the most enfuriating thing I will ever experience and therefore I cannot express rage. Getting back to the first line of the blog and what I had predicted; at one point during that series after I had destroyed my room and threw around my couch like it was a shot-put, I went into my dorm's common room, amidst the droves of "Red Sox fans" (I put Red Sox fans in quotes because it was mostly bandwagon jumpers, fairweather fans, or Mets fans. After all, rooting for the Red Sox and against the Yankees was the trendy thing to do at the time and I apparently had been associating with sheep rather than free-thinking independent individuals) and said "just wait... if the Red Sox win this thing, their fans will be much worse than Yankees fans could ever be. The Red Sox winning this would be a terrible terrible thing. most of you will hate them within 2 years." Low and behold, the Red Sox gaytion (see what I did there?) has swept the nation and infested every visiting city far worse than Yankees fans ever will. Alleged Red Sox fans have been coming out of the woodwork. There can only be two possible causes to this sudden outbreak of Red Sox nation:

1) People who didn't really follow baseball, who may have either been from New England or know a person or animal or have ever been to New England, suddenly became a diehard Red Sox fan because they were finally good.

2) Hypnosis. Its simple really, you're a baseball fan in Flint, MI but not really particularly loyola to any team. Despite Flint being particularly close to Detroit, where the Tigers play, you walk into a local convenience store, and see a display of Red Sox hats and keychains. Wait a minute, you think, I must be supposed to like them. I'm nowhere near Boston, yet there's a ton of Boston merchandise here, it must be a sign from God. Not once does this fan begin to think it might be Satan who is behind this charade. Whatever dark force is behind this attempt to capture the mind's of unsuspecting passers-by, recently tried to brainwash me, IN NEW YORK OF ALL PLACES! I was strolling around the grocery store, in the produce section, when I see a display of Boston Red Sox peanuts. Naturally, I was baffled. It wasn't until about 30 seconds later that I realized that there were not any Yankees peanuts. The store hadn't bothered. Such is life though.

I am writing this entry because the Yankees and Red Sox are beginning a 3-game series at Fenway tonight, and with one hell of a pitching matchup at that: Joba Chamberlain vs. Josh Beckett. The season series at this moment is 5-4 Red Sox. I expect this series to be very memorable and hopefully ignite a shift in the balance of power in favor of the Yankees.

I also would like to take this opportunity to urde those of you who might comment on this blog that I understand that this is a very biased opinion, one that only a Yankees fan would share. It is simply a look into my world as Yankees fan since that horrible week in 2004 when my sports world was turned upside down. Thanks for listening...

-Carm

P.S. Beating New England in the Super Bowl and spoiling their perfect season has managed to soothe a good amount of the pain.

NFC Preview: Giants amongst 'Boys

The 2008 NFL Season is a mere 6 weeks away, and I for one am getting tired of waiting. It should come as no surprise that I have been spending my spare time (100% of my time) developing a season preview. The Giants finished last year on a 10 game road-winning streak (11 if you count the Super Bowl) en route to a miraculous Super Bowl victory. Entering this season, the media have very little expectations of the Giants, probably less than any Super Bowl Champion in recent memory, besides the Steelers after Big Ben's motorcycle accident. Will the Giants experience a hangover of sorts and fold to the highly touted Cowboys? Read on.

The Flow's Official 2008 NFC Preview:

NFC East

1. Giants

The Giants come into the season with a lot of questions. Fortunately for them every question starts with "How are they gonna replace..." I don't think personnel will cause any problems with the Giants and I can assure you that GM Jerry Reese and Coach Tom Coughlin are not concerned at all. They showed during their run last year that they are a very deep and resilient team, and I don't expect them to come into the season flat as was the case last year. Throw in the added benefit of a relatively easy non-division schedule, and I expect this team to finish 11-5 or 12-4.

2. Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys and the national media would be mortified if the Cowboys do not finish in 1st place this season and obtain home-field advantage. They also have a relatively easy non-division schedule, and I fully expect the Cowboys to be neck-and-neck with the Giants in the standings the entire season. The Cowboys are team (it might be wishful thinking) that can be extremely vulnerable to an injury at any one of several key positions. I don't see them as a deep team by any means. Tony Romo has shown that he can compile stats during the regular season, and orchestrate impressive drives while doing so, but when push comes to shove, he has folded. I see 11 or 12 wins for the 'Boys as well.

3. Redskins

The key to the Redskins season is how much the team buys into Zorn's new system. Jason Campbell showed promise early on last year, and Todd Collins led the team to the playoffs after Campbell succumbed to injury. The starting job is Campbell's this year and the offense will go as he goes. His level of play will dictate whether the Redskins are a 6-win team or a 10-win team. I think they'll finish somewhere in between. Let's say 9-7.

4. Eagles

The Eagles are getting a lot of buzz this year to be the dark horse in the NFC. Let me put that notion to rest using nonviolent resistance. Over the past decade, the Eagles experienced great success in making it to 4 straight NFC title games, and then experienced a fall from grace. This has been directly related to Donovan McNabb's level of play/health. I don't think anyone expects Donovan McNabb to be anything but a shell of his former self. I think Harvey Dent said it best when he opined "you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." That certainly is true with sports heroes in Philadelphia. The first bad game Donovan McNabb has, he'll be run out of town. Then what? That leaves Brian Westbrook as the sole offensive threat. I'm also not under the same spell most of the country is under that Asante Samuel is going to transform the Eagles defense into a powerhouse. The Eagles don't make it to 6 wins.

NFC North

1. Vikings

I'm not sippin' the Vikings Kool-Aid as much as Joe Sportswriter, but I do pick them to win their division, if for nothing else but the lack of talented NFC North teams. The addition of Jared Allen on defense has been a little overhyped and I think it is a move the Vikings will regret in the long run. I don't remember the correct writer to cite but there was an article on how Jared Allen brings a clash of styles to the Vikings defense. I don't expect him to be the type of impact player he was on the Chiefs. The way they run, and the way they stop the run should make the Vikings at least a 9 win team. I'll say 10.

2. Packers

I have tried not to mention Brett Favre in this article, but how can I not when talking about the Packers. I really feel for the Green Bay fans, although my condolences mean the same as the previous 17 years of Favre's career will should he keep up this nonsense: nothing. What Favre is doing to those thousands upon thousands who idolized him is akin to if Allah appeared before all the worshipping Muslims and says that he wants to be traded to Christianity. Despite this drama, the Packers should still be a middle-of-the-pack team due in large part to their solid defense. Look for the Pakcers to finish at around 8-8.

3. Bears

Lovie Smith strikes me as some sort of priest or pastor who keeps telling his parishioners to "Have faith in your quarterback (Orton/Grossman/whoever), for he will lead us to the Promised Land." In the end, it's like any religion, not so much faith, with a whole lotta prayin'. They need to go after a playmaking, efficient qb, or at least acknowledge that Sexy Rexy and Vile Kyle ain't their saviors. Good defense, but no offense. 6 wins, 7 tops.

4. Lions

Last year the Lions were the surprise team of the first-half in all the NFL. The second-half wasn't so surprising. After starting the season 6-2, they finished 8-8. Which is still twice as many wins as anyone expected them to have. The lone bright spot on this team should be the continued improvement of Calvin Johnson. It's amazing that the Lions keep drafting these wideouts, and then immediately shift thier personnel focus to defense (evidence of said focus nonexistent) without ever imagining that they might need to surround these skilled receivers with a quarterback and a running game. The Detroit Lions are a bad team and a bad franchise. They'll be back to their losing ways this year at 4-12.

NFC South

1. Saints

This has less to do with the Shockey trade, and more to do with my belief that last season was a fluke. With the return of Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush should be more free to do what he does best. Shockey should certainly impact this offense for the better, giving Brees yet another option. This Saints defense has never impressed but I expect it to make some improvement keyed by the addition of Jonathan Vilma and rookie Sedrick Ellis. Combine these factors with a schedule that is laughably easy, and the Saints should be looking at a 12 or 13 win season. How did they get such an easy schedule one might ask? Its clear they had a mole working for them.

2. Buccaneers

When conducting research in preparation for this preview, the Bucs were easily the most intriguing NFC team. I want to believe that last season's division title was a result of a weak division and overachievement, but the more I look at this team, the better they get. They should look to use a triumverate of running backs in Cadillac Williams, Ernest Graham, and the returning Warrick Dunn. Jon Gruden is one of the few coaches in the NFL I trust to use his players well and it should be interesting to see him use these 3 rushers. Jeff Garcia has always proved to be a capable QB and a proverbial thorn in my side. The Bucs may well be one of the deepest teams in the NFL. Combine this with a defense that is always solid, and the Bucs are starting to look like a 10-win wild-card team.

3. Panthers

With the exception of Mike Nolan and Lane Kiffin, John Fox has the least job security right now as far as head coaches go in the NFL. The Panthers have been underachievers ever since their Super Bowl loss to the New England Patriots following the 2003 season. Despite the depth in their running game, and the continued improvement by Steve Smith, I expect this team to falter. John Fox has the reputation of a defensive mastermind, but the Panthers defense has been less effective each season since their NFC championship season. I think the Panthers are a 7-win team.

4. Falcons

Poor Art Blank. Michael Vick was once his dream player. Now its a stretch for Mr. Blank to dream of Vick working for him at Home Depot (Blank owns Home Depot... necessary info for that joke to land). Couple that with the sudden departure of Bobby Petrino, and you got yourself some serious scorn. The only things to watch for in Atlanta is the play of new additions Michael Turner and rookie Matt Ryan who can probably afford to buy the team. This team has probably given up on competing for the next 3 years. I can guarantee that of all the scouting departments in the NFL, the Falcons have the busiest. They are a shoe-in for a top-2 pick in the 2009 NFL draft. I can see the Falcons winning 2 games.

NFC West

1. Seahawks (sigh)

For years, I have been waiting for someone to steal this division from Seattle. Years have passed, 4 for those who are scoring at home, and no one has been able to dethrone them. Unfortunately for the millions who annually pick the Cardinals to be a sleeper powerhouse, this ain't that magic year. The Seahawks obviously have lost a lot in Shaun Alexander, but I can reason that they have actually upgraded at the running back position. The "Swawks" managed to take this division last year while Shaun Alexander was rendered ineffective. There is no reason to think a healthy Julius Jones isn't better than Alexander at 40% and Maurice Morris at 140%. Not too many changes elsewhere with the Seahawks. Their defense continues to get better, Holmgren continues to eat, and Qwest Field continues to pump illegal crowd noise. Oh, and the Seahawks continue their dominance over the NFC West with a 10-6 season.

2. Cardinals

The Cardinals are another one of those teams that could be a much different story if someone decided to step up at QB. I am willing to risk my reputation by asserting that this ain't that year. Kurt Warner is a good quarterback but the Cardinals clearly do not want him starting or else he would be. Leinart has been very inefficient and looks like he gets rattled very easily. The poor passer performance (say that 5 times fast) is even more pathetic considering that the Cardinals easily have the best 1-2 punch at wide receiver. If someone steps up, this could be a dangerous offense, and my reputation will be thoroughly soiled. I give the Cards 8 wins, maybe 9.

3. Rams

The Rams 3-13 2007 season was not indicative of the talent the team has. Should Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger stay healthy season-long, the Rams could be a dark horse to contend for a playoff spot. Based on recent history, that is a big "if." I think the Rams probably made the worst pick in the 1st round of the draft in selecting Chris Long. The defense should probably improve upon last year's dreadful performance with or without Long. I expect the injuries to come, and Scott Linehan to be a scapegoat. Barring a clean bill of health, I'll say the Rams will probably only amount 6 wins.

4. 49ers

Last, and thanks to the Falcons, not least. I have grown to like Mike Nolan's sense of style, which is why I will miss him when he is fired after the 49ers 2-8 start this year. Their QB situation couldn't get worse if Mike Nolan ditched the Armani suit for some shoulderpads and took the helm. The defense has the potential to be above-average at best. I think Frank Gore might start to feel the hits this season. I have no hope for this 49ers team. Anything more than 5 wins would be a miracle.

I am going to predict my playoff matchups, but I will not predict the outcomes until after my AFC preview. So here we go...

(1) Saints 13-3 BYE

(2) Giants 12-4 BYE

(3) Vikings 10-6 vs. (6) Buccaneers 10-6

(4) Seahawks 10-6 vs. (5) Cowboys 11-5

There she is, and keep an eye out for my AFC preview...

-Carm

Say Hello to the Bad Guy....

It is the start of a new week and like over 10 million other people, I planted my ass in a movie seat this weekend and witnessed the already massive and record-breaking success that is The Dark Knight. By now, you've read approximately 1 million articles or stories on the film, and every article says the exact same thing; "The Dark Knight pisses excellence." While I could easily slip the kneepads on and write a very in-depth, very homoerotic blog expressing my thoughts and a review of The Dark Knight, it seemed very unoriginal. I decided instead to take something that stood out from the movie and look at it on a grander scale. It should come as no surprise that the one thing that stands out above the rest in the new Batman movie is Heath Ledger as the "so insane that he's sane" Joker. Much has been said about the job Ledger did in capturing the Joker in the way that he did. After seeing the movie, I can firmly attest that anytime the Joker is offscreen, the audience was just itching to have him back. While any movie villain tends to be a character of great intrigue (much to the same tune as girls who are attracted to the guys most likely to physically abuse them), its very rare to find an antagonist that undoubtedly steals the show. I have compiled a list (in no particular order) of movie/TV antagonists in recent memory (the last 10 years or so) that were a driving force in their particular medium.

The Joker. The Dark Knight. (Heath Ledger)

Don't worry, I'm not going to blow it and tell you that Edward Norton turns out to be Tyler Durden at the end, or something that may actually happen in the movie. It seems like beating a dead horse by now, but those of you who have seen The Dark Knight will no doubt agree that you can't say enough about the Joker. The portrayal that Heath Ledger lays out is that of an absolute maniac. The Joker is as cerebral as Hannibal Lecter, and as maniacal Jack Torrance (The Shining). As intuitive and cunning as Batman himself, and as terrifying as a terrorist sect. A lot of villains usually have bad morals, or were scorned and just feel like being a dick. With the Joker, it is more like he believes that wrong is the only right. He is motivated by evil and nothing else. He is ruthless, but still very calculating. The Joker always has the upper hand, and is completely unrelenting in his pursuit of annihilating every speck of good in Gotham City. After seeing this movie, I have come to the conclusion that everyone hanging onto the argument for Jack Nicholson being the better Joker, and the original Batman movies being the superior, need to just let it go. I cannot push my beliefs on other people, but after seeing both depictions of the Joker, I have no choice but to assume anyone arguing against Heath Ledger's Joker is a cynical, stubborn, fool who is hanging on to every morsel of nostalgia he or she can. Get over it.

Alonzo Harris. Training Day. (Denzel Washington)

Comparing Alonzo Harris to the Joker would be like comparing night and day (in no way was that a black joke). However, that is partly because you don't know that Alonzo is a bad guy until the middle of Training Day. Alonzo also carries out his master plan that is the basis for this film because he is in a dire situation, which normally would provide some sympathy, and sense of forgiveness on the audience's part, which is even more surprising considering that Denzel Washington played the part. It is no wonder the man won an Oscar. Denzel Washington is one of the most sympathetic actors on-screen (probably second behind Morgan Freeman), and he has no trouble swaying the audience to wish harm upon his character. His gameplan is absolutely brilliant. Often times, crooked cops are such a hated character because of their uncanny prowess to just throw around their authority and nothing else. While Alonzo does use and abuse his power, he manages to leave no stone unturned for the most part. Alonzo comes off as someone who has always been a jerk, and probably someone who didn't really operate within the realm of law as defined by anyone else but himself. He probably had made a life about obtaining glory, prestige, and money by hook or by crook. His character gives us a distorted view to living by the axiom : the ends justifies the means.

Anton Chigurh. No Country for Old Men. (Javier Bardem)

If you've seen this movie, than you probably still can't answer my question. What is this guy's deal? Anton Chigurh, a character who definitely should not have had a name, is a walking question mark. The only thing you know for sure is when he is on screen, violence is never far behind. More so than anyone on this list, I am baffled by Anton Chigurh. Was he a raving lunatic? Did he just suffer from a bad case of bloodlust? Was he the judge, jury, and executioner for his own bizarre set of morals? If you can answer these let me know, because even now, after thinking about this for almost an hour, staring into my computer screen and subsequently damaging my retinas beyond repair, I can't tell you. What I can most definitely say is that killing was a way of life for Anton, but I can't assert that he actually enjoyed it (though he most likely did crack a fat at times during murder). It seemed more like it was something he had to do. The most frightening part about Anton is that not once in the movie did he show any emotion. Things happened the way they happened with Anton, and he reacted to them however he saw fit.

Big Ern McCracken. Kingpin. (Bill Murray)

If we were playing the classic Sesame Street game of "which of these things just doesn't belong here?" than Big Ern would definitely be elected in a landslide. However, I thought I'd put him in here because he falls under the "guys you love to hate" category. It is hard to be very funny, and still maintain a "heel" status. While conducting my extensive research for this blog, I read that Bill Murray ad-libbed much of this role, which makes it that much better, not to mention impressive. For instance, the entire "Big Brother Foundation-esque" commercial that he's in is totally off the cuff. I also ran into the tidbit that the 3 consecutive strikes he bowls in the tenth frame are genuine... again, impressive. Bill Murray overshadows the rest of this cast in hilarity, and still, it is impossible to root for him.

Benjamin Linus. Lost. Michael Emerson.

I think this certainly will be my least popular selection with my target audience, but seeing as how my opinion of myself is so high that you people look like ants, I'm gonna roll with it anyway. (The dude's gonna win the emmy this year, so it ain't just me). Ben Linus.... if you watch Lost, the name can make you think, laugh, or shudder. The man can literally, sans super powers, make people do things with his mind. He is so unbelievably cerebral and intuitive that he can get people to do anything he wants without even breaking a sweat in an effort to persuade them. Every time you think the man is down and out, you see a smile start to form in the corner of his mouth, and you know that everything is falling exactly into place. He takes everything into consideration, and somehow always comes out on top. In fact, it got to a point where the castaways almost seem to ignore him because they know he is going to outsmart them. The thing about Ben Linus is that of all the people on this list, as well as the vast majority of villainous characters, he is the least physically intimidating. He is small, late-40s, early-50s guy with big bug eyes and a limp. Yet still (and if you decide to start watching the show, you'll notice this theme) the man almost always comes out of every situation with the overwhelmingly dominant hand.

Well there it is. Keep an eye out for my next post. Also, I think we should try and get together and make NFL predictions on this blog.

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I'm out.

-Carmine