Adventures in Nostalgia #3: The Rockers Break Up

Anyone who knows me is aware that one of the many dirty little secrets I have is that I am a fan of pro-wrestling. Since I was 3-years-old I have been obsessed. My week’s would focus around Saturday’s where I had WWF Superstars at 1pm and then WCW Saturday Night at 6:05 on TBS. Sunday’s were filled with WWF Wrestling Challenge at noon and sometimes a PPV at night which I would watch by looking at the scrambled pictures on TV.

This obsession brings me to my latest induction into Adventures in Nostalgia.

The year is 1992 and Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty are a tag team known as The Rockers. Trouble has been brewing for weeks and things are about to come to blows. In real life this was because Jannetty’s non-stop screwing up due to his party life was causing problems and management had enough – but what the hell did I know?

So the stage is set for one of the most shocking moments of my childhood as The Rockers are seen for the last time as a tag team on this edition of The Barber Shop…



Ho-lee shit!

Remember, this is 1992 – you never saw shit like that when I was a kid. Throwing Jannetty through the glass, are you kidding me? I was crushed. How could Shawn do this?

After this day both men went in about as opposite directions as you could go. Michaels was repackaged as a singles wrestler and ended up being a top-ten performer of all-time. He is still going strong today. Despite his immense talent, Jannetty was fired. He was brought back numerous times over the years but each time was let go because of his addictions. What a shame.

-Kobes

Adventures in Nostalgia #2: Toejam & Earl

For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...



Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.

I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.

If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.

This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.

There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):

• Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
• Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
• Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
• Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
• Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
• Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
• Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
• Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
• Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!

These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?

Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:

• Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
• Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
• Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.

While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:

• Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
• A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
• A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
• Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
• Chickens with tomato firing mortars
• Inivisible Boogey Man
• Satan
• An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)

If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).

Enjoy!

The Flow's Adventures in Nostalgia #1: Mousetrap

I’m sure everyone remembers this sucka from the early 90’s.

To be perfectly honest I don’t remember how you play, all I remember is being letdown time and time again by this monstrosity.

Setting up the actual Mousetrap took a good ten minutes, though I admit, it is an impressive sight to behold once you’re done. I guarantee they had a lot of fun thinking this thing up.

Anyway, when I played this I was about 5-years-old so, as I mentioned, the specific rules are a bit fuzzy. However, I do know that once you reached the end it took an obnoxiously long time to finally finish. It seemed like no matter how far in the lead you were the game inevitably ended with all players having a shot at winning. Of course, I used to play with my older cousins so God knows if they were being legit with the rules since I was to dumb to know otherwise.

So after what seems like an eternity you finally get to release the Mousetrap which is what you’ve been waiting for all game. And here comes the disappointment. Did you notice in the commercial when the creepy looking cartoon cat sings “knock the marble right down the shoot. Now watch it roll, hit the pole, and knock the man in the rub-a-dub-tub?” My ass! Without fail every single freaking time I played that part would never work correctly. Maybe my game was defective or maybe it wasn’t aligned correctly. I don’t know what it was, but I do know that we would manually have to get the diver to perform the most spastic dive known to man… Thornton Melon he ain’t.

As far as board games go, Mousetrap was all hype and as anticlimactic as it got. Though if nothing else, while searching for the Mousetrap commercial I found the following video which almost makes all those wasted hours worth it…



-Kobes