Adventures in Nostalgia #2: Toejam & Earl

For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...



Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.

I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.

If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.

This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.

There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):

• Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
• Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
• Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
• Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
• Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
• Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
• Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
• Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
• Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!

These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?

Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:

• Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
• Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
• Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.

While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:

• Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
• A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
• A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
• Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
• Chickens with tomato firing mortars
• Inivisible Boogey Man
• Satan
• An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)

If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).

Enjoy!

Bananas Galore, Necky's Nuts, and Giant Crocs: My Childhood Experience with Donkey Kong Country

I'm not gonna lie, Kobel's dose of nostalgia completely missed the mark with me. Fucked if I remember Mousetrap. By the sounds of it, my childhood was all the better for it. When it came to toys and games, my progression was a simple one. First, it was Lincoln Logs and action figures, most of which were from TMNT (if you don't know this acronym, well, you best have a vagina). Eventually those got old, and I moved on to Legos. Sweet. Then, around the tender age of 6 or 7, I played my first video game, and that, as they say, was that.

Now I will inevitably dedicate one, if not many, future blogs to the subject of video games, but today I'd like to focus on just one in particular: Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo. Sure, it wasn't the greatest game, and not quite so retro as to be truly the subject of nostalgia, but you must understand, I have a special attachment to DKC. For you see, according to Nintendo Power magazine--the definitive source on all things Nintendo back in the day--I am one of the elite few to be labeled one of the greatest Donkey Kong Country players of all time. Eat your fucking heart out.

Donkey Kong Country was a sweet game. Classic side-scrolling action at its best. On a scale of 1-10, the graphics at the time would have ranked a fucking awesome. We're talking pants-creamingly good. It was a fun--if not too difficult--game. So I was pumped when I read in Nintendo Power that they were having a contest to see who could beat the game, finding all the secrets, in the fastest time. I was all over this shit.

Now, the first thing you had to know about this game was that its namesake, Donkey Kong, well, kinda sucked balls. Sure he's loveable, but when you're going for the gold, there's only one trait you care about, and that is whether this primate is capable of kicking ass and taking names. While other chimps out there are ripping off testicles, chewing off noses, and learning how to manipulate firearms (see Carl's blog below), DK's arsenal consisted of little more than trolling around at a snail's pace, and as if that weren't bad enough, his special attack was a forward roll. Needless to say, it sucked dick. Big, hairy, simian dick.

On the other hand, his little pal Diddy Kong was straight ballin'. While nowhere near as strong as DK, this little guy was infinitely faster, making him capable of wreaking infinitely more havoc. His main move was a cartwheel, which fruity as it may sound, was pretty badass. The best part was how he could do a cartwheel into midair, and then jump--while in midair--making it possible to reach areas you would otherwise have no chance at. This was the key to unlocking many of the game's secrets and vital to my mission. As a kid of just nine years, this move came about as close to inducing my first boner as anything. That's the funny thing about being a kid--present 9 yr. old me a girl with big ol' titties and a round ass? Thanks, but no thanks. Present me a monkey named Diddy that wore a shirt and a cap and could transition from a cartwheel to a jump in mid-air? Fuck yeah. Although I must admit, Candy Kong was a fine piece of ass. Shorty be looking fine:



Like I said, the game wasn't too hard. You basically just had to run through these levels finding the secret rooms, while killing the occasional enemy, which usually meant just jumping on them. Most of the enemies and levels were pretty forgettable, although one level entitled "Necky's Nuts," which features a vulture trying to bust a (coco)nut on your head, is one that I am able to enjoy on a whole new level as a mature adult.

The game, though, did have a few things that were pretty tricky. For instance, as I mentioned, I needed to find all of the secret rooms--not for the one-ups and shit that often lay inside, but because doing so counted towards my final score, and I needed a perfect one. Most were straightforward, just throw a barrel at a suspicious looking wall and there you go. But there was this one secret room that was damn near impossible to find. First, you had to get into a secret room (not the one in discussion) by throwing a barrel at a wall. So you go in and there's this roulette-like game where you can time it so that you get whatever prize you want. The options were something like: a one-up, a two-up (nut nut nut), ten bananas (100 bananas = 1 life), or 1 lousy banana. Much like in a prison shower, receiving a banana was the last thing you wanted in DKC. It was easy enough to avoid, too, so you probably would never get it. Here's the kicker though: in order to get into the second room, you HAD to get it. Once you did, a barrel would appear out of thin air, and you would throw that at another wall, which would lead to ANOTHER secret room. This was unprecedented. I mean, what sadistic fucks. You're telling me some ten year old is supposed to have the foresight to look for a secret room, INSIDE a secret room? What fuckers.

So then you finally beat the game 100% (according to the game's tally), and you think you're the shit. Wrong, pal. You see, the game actually goes to 101%. Combine this with that secret in a secret bullshit, and we're talking legions of kids who never knew that they had, in fact, failed in their quest to be just like me--a fucking DKC master.

But me and Diddy knew better. Blazing through the game at a maddening pace, I managed to reach 101% in a mere 1:14. Give me the fucking gold, I thought. But not just yet. One of the biggest pains in the asses was getting evidence of the achievement. To do so, you had to submit a picture of the end of game screen showing your time/score, but the picture also had to include the Super Nintendo as well. This was to ensure that you weren't using something like Game Genie (which plugged into the Super Nintendo) to cheat. Nintendo Power demanding to see the system would be like if R. Kelly was showing his boys a sex tape of him pissing on some girl, only his dick wasn't showing, and then his buddies being like "wait a second... how do we know that's really you showerin' on that broad?" I mean, give me a break. This really sucked for me because my Super Nintendo was nowhere close to my TV, and due to the weak ass setup of my bedroom, it was damn near an effort in futility. But I was going to be damned if all the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested into those two days of my life were going to go to waste, and I made do.

Eagerly I awaited for months before the issue came out announcing the results. In glorious anticipation I flipped furiously through the pages, waiting to see my name in big bold letters with the words "THE MAN" slapped next to them. Alas, this was not to be the case. Some bastard had the audacity to clock an incredible 1:08, knocking my ass down into a shameful second place. It's okay though, I'm sure he never gets laid. I mean, who comes in first in a video game contest in a video game magazine? Homo.

-DanO