Study: Bats and Humans Have Similar Interests

"I Had a Bat in My Bra!"

I could probably write the most brilliant piece of journalism in the world right now and the only thing you would take home from it would be what I am about to say: this chick is a 19 year old with 34FF yabbos!

She also doesn't seem to be too bright because that bat was reportedly just chillin' with her sweat hogs for approximately 5 HOURS! I don't know about you, but after reading a number of articles in regards to this event, I'm pretty certain the girl is a vampiropheliac (gets off to bats). This bat, which was apparently the size of a human hand, had to have been placed there intentionally by Miss Hawkins herself. There is no way a girl, whose supple breasts were already spilling out of her bra, would not notice if i just stuck my fist and jammed it in there with them, and my fist doesn't have fucking fangs (the better to bite off your nips with). When asked suspiciously as to why she didn't do anything about it during the first 5 hours, her excuse was that she thought it was her cell phone vibrating. All well and good, she didn't think it was a bat, but this lame-ass excuse, if true, just solidifies the fact that this chick is a nympho. What kind of a girl stores her cell phone in her bra routinely enough to not find it out of the ordinary? And furthermore, what kind of girl, whose phone is being kept in her bra, doesn't answer it when it vibrates, presumably from the sheer pleasure? I'll tell you what kind of girl... my kind.

After a punch line like the one above, most sensible comedians would end their act on a high note. I however am neither sensible nor a comedian so this show must go on. Let's just assume for the moment that the truth is that this girl really did not notice a fist-sized bat in her bra. To me, this puts to rest the already absurd argument that a girl's jugs are even close to as sensitive as a guy's nuts. There is no way if something the size of a grain of rice were in my underwear, rubbin' up on my sac, I wouldn't panic. If it were the size of a hand, I would panic (depending on how feminine the hand was to the touch). If it were the size of a hand, and had teeth, and claws and could fucking fly, I would only anger it further by soiling it involuntarily. Next time you punch a girl in the tits (by accident or on purpose) and she attempts to get even with you by inflicting pain on your balls, cite this article.

-Carm

Chimp Tries to Make a Run for It

Chimp in Daring Zoo Break-Out

ICHIRO! July 23rd - At the Ishikawa Zoo in western Japan a 42 year old chimpanzee named Ichiro valiantly tried to escape from captivity. He was almost successful, as the video shows, but eventually his captors were able to lure him with a banana and tranquilize him. Chimps are no joke, believe you me. I don't know this from experience or biological statistics, but I heard they are like 12X stronger then humans. I read this one story (in the Washington Post) about two years ago about a couple who rescued a female baby chimp and raised it in their home. Eventually after like 15 years the chimp got too aggressive, and needed a real habitat to live in, so the couple gave the chimp to a wildlife refuge that had other full grown chimpanzees. The couple kept in touch with the chimp and went for occasional visits. A year went by and the couple goes to celebrate the chimps birthday. They have a cake and balloons, the whole bit. They even got to go to a secure area of the refuge where they could have a picnic and play with their chimp. Unknowns to them, two full grown male chimps had escaped from their cages on the other side of the refuge. So all of a sudden these two huge chimps show up and start to freak out when they see the humans. The female chimp grabs the women and throws her under a table and tries to protect her. Meanwhile, the male chimps are literally ripping the man limb from limb. First they ripped of his testicles, then they tore the muscle right of the bone of his ass and chest. Obviously the man died, but the female chimp fought back to protect the woman, and lost her life doing so. The grounds keepers got there just in time to shoot the chimps and save the woman. Crazy huh? Its great that the female chimp tried to save her human parents, but this is why you don't fuck with animals. So its no surprise to see that little Japanese guy freak out once the chimp grabs his gun. You can see it in his face as he peers over that ledge that he knows hes in way over his head. I wish Ichiro could've handled that gun and blown those guys away. If chimps have almost the same life expectancy as humans, and can learn sign language and shit, you know they can handle a weapon. Everyone knows how to shoot a gun, and he has probably seen a gun be used hundreds of times. Personally I'm disappointed. I'm sure hes regretting that delicious banana now.

- Carl

P.S. This is the story. Not Exactly how I remembered it, but whatever.