Study: Bats and Humans Have Similar Interests

"I Had a Bat in My Bra!"

I could probably write the most brilliant piece of journalism in the world right now and the only thing you would take home from it would be what I am about to say: this chick is a 19 year old with 34FF yabbos!

She also doesn't seem to be too bright because that bat was reportedly just chillin' with her sweat hogs for approximately 5 HOURS! I don't know about you, but after reading a number of articles in regards to this event, I'm pretty certain the girl is a vampiropheliac (gets off to bats). This bat, which was apparently the size of a human hand, had to have been placed there intentionally by Miss Hawkins herself. There is no way a girl, whose supple breasts were already spilling out of her bra, would not notice if i just stuck my fist and jammed it in there with them, and my fist doesn't have fucking fangs (the better to bite off your nips with). When asked suspiciously as to why she didn't do anything about it during the first 5 hours, her excuse was that she thought it was her cell phone vibrating. All well and good, she didn't think it was a bat, but this lame-ass excuse, if true, just solidifies the fact that this chick is a nympho. What kind of a girl stores her cell phone in her bra routinely enough to not find it out of the ordinary? And furthermore, what kind of girl, whose phone is being kept in her bra, doesn't answer it when it vibrates, presumably from the sheer pleasure? I'll tell you what kind of girl... my kind.

After a punch line like the one above, most sensible comedians would end their act on a high note. I however am neither sensible nor a comedian so this show must go on. Let's just assume for the moment that the truth is that this girl really did not notice a fist-sized bat in her bra. To me, this puts to rest the already absurd argument that a girl's jugs are even close to as sensitive as a guy's nuts. There is no way if something the size of a grain of rice were in my underwear, rubbin' up on my sac, I wouldn't panic. If it were the size of a hand, I would panic (depending on how feminine the hand was to the touch). If it were the size of a hand, and had teeth, and claws and could fucking fly, I would only anger it further by soiling it involuntarily. Next time you punch a girl in the tits (by accident or on purpose) and she attempts to get even with you by inflicting pain on your balls, cite this article.

-Carm