So I Wish I Could've Gone to Space Camp, Wanna Fight About it?

I don’t know how much joe schmo has been monitoring our space program in the last 3 months, but today’s ground breaking announcement from NASA should grab your attention, nerd or not. NASA scientists said Wednesday they had found liquid on Saturn's moon Titan, only the second body in the solar system after Earth to have fluid on its surface. This is the third huge discovery in that time period. It comes on the heels of NASA scientists discovering ice channels near the poles on Mars.

These recent discoveries have ultimately piqued my interest, and made me wonder what do our presidential candidates think about the space program? Obama does not outline a clear position on NASA spending but generally the liberal position on space exploration is that "the money spent on space is wasted; it is better to spend it on things we need here at home." I would imagine that he would keep NASA spending to an absolute minimum. This is in sharp contrast to John McCain whose website says:

"Let us now embark upon this great journey into the stars to find whatever may await us."-John McCain

John McCain is a strong supporter of NASA and the space program. He is proud to have sponsored legislation authorizing funding consistent with the President's vision for the space program, which includes a return of astronauts to the Moon in preparation for a manned mission to Mars. He believes support for a continued US presence in space is of major importance to America's future innovation and security. He has also been a staunch advocate for ensuring that NASA funding is accompanied by proper management and oversight to ensure that the taxpayers receive the maximum return on their investment. John McCain believes curiosity and a drive to explore have always been quintessential American traits. This has been most evident in the space program, for which he will continue his strong support.

I just don’t understand how liberals and anyone else for that matter does not recognize these achievements for what they are… The reason the US is so dominant is because of a vast technological lead over the other “powers”. If we let that go vagrant then we are in serious trouble. The space program has given us the internet, cell phones, satellites, Velcro and tang. Christ what would we do without tang? (not the drink). Maybe once this war is over (July marked the lowest monthly US soldier death toll since we went in, in 03) we can re-direct the spending to space… HA… but still we need to keep moving forward. We are slowly losing our grip on the space and eventually the technological lead that we have over Russia, Japan, the EU and China. The fact is that in the next 10 years the US will be forced to give billions to the Russians and Japanese to shuttle us into space, because we have let our shuttle program lapse. After 2011 (when our current shuttles are set to be retired), we will have a period of 3-5 years before we are able to independently send our astronauts to the international space program. In that time we should be developing the technology to go to Mars. We can’t reproduce status quo. We have to be better. That is the only way to stay on top. And I tell you what, I will be cold and dead before I see some god damn commie calling themselves the world super power. It is time for the cry-baby liberals to choke on it and realize that we are an empire, and we need to act like one. That doesn’t mean we have to always flex our muscles, but it does mean that we have to stay better than the rest of the world.

Your Anus:

-Reed

Watchu Gonna Do, When Kimbo and The Hulkster...

... Run Wild On You!?!?!

Lets try to figure out the magnitude of this, shall we?

Street brawler, turned MMA fighter Kimbo Slice and pro-wrestling icon, turned walking joke Hulk Hogan in a movie... a kids movie... a 3D kids movie... called Kung-Fu U.

Good freaking God this is going to be good. It's at a time like this I wish I was friends with the Ganja Queen.

We all know that the Hulkster is a proven Hollywood icon with such box-office hits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and No Holds Barred. The man can act, simple as that. The question is, can Kimbo hold his own alongside a thespian like Hogan? Only time will tell.

In closing, I'll leave you with the theatrical trailer for Hulk's greatest work to date... Santa With Muscles.



-Kobes

Quest Series: Mensa Part 1

After doing some thinking during my lunch break... well, take out the word thinking and replace it with drinking, I thought of the brilliant idea for a new column for The Flow. After a few Bass Ales, the Quest Series was born. The name is kind of self-explanatory; one member of our writing staff will take on a challenge and chronicle the events leading up to his ultimate success or failure. Being the patriarch of this idea, its only fair that I also serve as the guinea pig; quite like Norman Osbourne/the Green Goblin. As my first quest, I will attempt to gain entry to the elite club for so-called geniuses: Mensa.



For those of you not familiar with Mensa, it is a very secretive group that only allows entry to people with an IQ above the 98th percentile. Allow me to post an excerpt from their official constitution. One might call this their mission statement.

Mensa "provides a forum for intellectual exchange among members. Its activities include the exchange of ideas by lectures, discussions, journals, special-interest groups, and local, regional, national, and international gatherings; the investigations of members' opinions and attitudes; and assistance to researchers, inside and outside Mensa, in projects dealing with intelligence or Mensa." [Mensa Constitution]

Basically in laymen's terms, the above paragraph states that Mensa is an organization for smart people to do the same things that they do everyday, except they don't have to keep looking over their shoulders for the occasional retard.

Are these people on their high horses or what? You would think an organization that sets out to align the world's population of geniuses would want to serve a greater good than to sit on their asses and talk about how stupid everyone else is. They don't even make any attempt to try and translate their intellect into swagger with the ladies. Despite my criticism, I will try to gain entry to this elite club of nerds and Asians.

After conducting some simple research, it seems the only way to get into Mensa is to take their official Mensa test, administered regionally. There's also the alternative of submitting evidence of your score on an approved IQ test. Since I don't have the latter, my choice is easy.

As suggested by the Mensa website, the first step is taking the Mensa workout. This quiz consists of 30 IQ questions that you are given 30 minutes to complete. I've tested at "genius" levels before on IQ tests so I was supremely confident, despite my lackluster GPA in college. The questions were a mixed bag of number sequences, word play, pattern recognition, etc. Some were very very difficult. In the end, I scored a 28 out of 30. That was about what I had come to expect, although I surprised myself with a couple of good estimates. Mensa's website, which I can only assume is run telepathically through the mind of a robot/supercomputer with artificial intelligence, predicted that I have a "very strong" chance at acquiring a membership to their band of social outcasts.

After what some would call an utter domination of the Mensa workout, I was riding high. I looked up when the next test sessions in the Washington, DC area would be. Unfortunately, I can't attend the next test, so I can't give an ETA as to when Part 2 of this series will be.

I should point out that Mensa has many subchapters. The subchapter that will be reviewing me is called the Metropolitan Washington Mensa. The leader of this cadre is a man known simply as Herb Guggenheim. I know what you're thinking... "Herb Guggenheim, what a sweet porn name." (could be made sweeter if it were Herb Huge-enheim) I thought the same thing. That is, of course, until I saw his picture. This guy couldn't pass for a pornstar if his name were Herpes Von Monstercock, not even a gay one. Without further ado...

Suuuuuuuey. Suuuuuu-Suuuuu-Suuuuuey! Damn that's a face made for radio.

Turns out they're actually a pretty active group. They go to shooting ranges, comedy clubs, drinking, etc. The catch is that you gotta hang out with droves of people looking like ol' Herbie up there. But hell, this is the Quest Series, and I'm setting a precedent. If I'm doing this thing, I'm doing it balls to the wall. Until next time...

-Carm

The Ganja Queen

So by now everyone has seen the documentary The Ganja Queen about Australian Schapelle Corby who was caught trying to smuggle 4.2 kg (about 9 lbs.) of pot stored in her boogie board bag into Bali. Long story short she got 20 years in a Indonesian prison, the trial was crazy, yada, yada, yada, see the movie. Bottom line is... she's a smoke show. I mean what do you have to do to get a conjugal in a Balinese prison?

The fact of the matter is this girl is guilty as sin. Maybe she shouldn't be sentenced to 20 years in an Indonesian prison, but this bitch knew what was going on. From my extensive internet research of the situation I have been able to find out the real deal of what went down. Recently this guy Malcolm McCauley who just served 15 months in prison came out and revealed what really happened. He said that he had been selling pot to Corby's father since 2000, and that her father and delinquent brothers had been smuggling it into Bali for years. They would pack a shit load in a bag with $1,000 US as a bribe for the Indonesian custom officials, and the officials would just take the money and waive the bag through. Sometimes the bags wouldn't get checked, and they would make out with the pot and the money.

Apparently on the trip where she got arrested her douche brother James Kasina had already taken the $1,000. Who knows why? Maybe he owed someone money, or maybe he just thought they would get away with it scott free, but he got her fucked. Although McCauley says that Schapelle had never been part of the plan before, he admits that she knew about the whole operation. So when the customs official asked whose bag it was, and it was her bag, she took it from her brother and opened it up for the official thinking that the money would be there and they would be all good. Instead there was just a huge bag of stinky weed and she was about to enter a world of trouble. McCauley even went to Bali a week after Schapelle was arrested to speak with her and make sure that he was in the clear. Eventually photos of the two during that visit were found when McCauley's house was raided and he was busted for drugs in an unrelated case. So basically this chick is just a soldier. She is doing her time like any self respecting member of the drug community should, and I applaud her for that.

Luckily Schapelle didn't get the death penalty by a firing squad, which is the maximum penalty for this offense, because that would be a waste of some nice Australian ass. But to be honest i don't feel that bad for her. It was a stupid move by her. If your running drugs to a foreign country that has some serious penalties for drug offenses you need to stick to the fucking plan. Don't take the situation into your own hands unless you know the operation inside and out, which she obviously did not. And what a shitty plan to begin with. Yeah it had been working for years, and I know people say try not to make things too complicated, but you at least have to have an inside man. I'm not condoning drug trafficing or the use of drugs, but its marijuana. Come on! 20 years for pot, that sucks! I think the world needs to go in either 2 directions. Legalize everything, or at least pot and cocaine, and let the paramedics sort it out, or make take a strong stance and really give everyone who gets caught with drugs a boot in the ass. As long as we keep booze everything will be fine, but that is a discussion for another post. Peace.

- Carl

Yo-Yo Ma

After seeing the Yo-Yo World Championships on TV yesterday I decided its time to invest. From what I remember from my youth, Duncan was the company to go with. More research will tell if that’s still the case.

I imagine chicks dig a guy who can handle a yo-yo, though that is an unfounded claim at this point. I suppose, we shall see.

In the meantime, check out this guy’s skillz.

-Kobes

Adventures in Nostalgia #2: Toejam & Earl

For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...



Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.

I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.

If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.

This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.

There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):

• Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
• Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
• Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
• Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
• Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
• Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
• Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
• Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
• Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!

These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?

Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:

• Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
• Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
• Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.

While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:

• Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
• A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
• A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
• Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
• Chickens with tomato firing mortars
• Inivisible Boogey Man
• Satan
• An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)

If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).

Enjoy!

Don't Worry... Hot Chicks

I know that the few people who read this blog have been scared shitless to close their eyes the last few days because of the horrifying nature of the most recent post. Don't worry, I am here to salvage what small part of your soul that wasn't destroyed by watching the freak videos. I will introduce you to the cause and cure to all life's problems... Hot chicks.

This is Meagan Good. She is a 26 year old actress who has appeared in many things including House Party 3, Waist Deep (not a porno), and The Love Guru. She is straight up gorgeous. You can't teach sex appeal like this. How does she walk down the street without every guy humping her like Jack Russel Terriers? I mean I'm basically obsessed. If I could find naked pictures of this girl she would be like my number 1 beat-offer-to.

Susie Feldman. Wait a minute, you mean like Corey Feldman? Yeah unfortunately I do. If you don't remember who Corey Feldman is don't worry about it, I don't exactly either. All I remember is he is one of those 80's douche bags that was in Lost Boys. I'm not sure if its the really cracked out one, or if its the one who was also in Goonies. Needless to say, this chick obviously has some baggage if she is married to one of those tools. This is the kind of crap that really pisses me off. Some little smart mouthed bitch 5 year old gets his 15 minutes of fame 20 years ago, ruins his career with rampant drug use, and is now a career fuck up with a smoking hot wife. I just don't get it. Ladies, do you have an answer? If you do speak up. Maybe this guy has a huge donkey dick or something, but I didn't see him on the Freak post, so I doubt it. Anyways, I love what this chick is working with.

This is Joanna Krupa. She is a Polish-American model. This just isn't fair for all the women out there. There is absolutely no chance that any girl that will ever read this blog is as hot as Joanna Krupa. If you read this and think that's a false statement, than feel free to email a few pictures of yourself to hittingtheflow@yahoo.com, and my colleagues and I will be he judge. Ladies don't feel offended, this isn't fair to us men either. Just once I would like to fuck a girl this hot, just once, but it will never happen.


Danielle Lloyd. Hot name, hot tits, hot everything. She was Miss England 2004, and now she does the reality TV circuit in the U.K. Oh man this chick is hot, shes young (24) and you know she shags like a minx because she is from England. Celebrities in England do even less than Celebrities in the States. All they do is go on vacations to sweet beaches and take off their tops. The one thing that I do respect about England is that everyone hates to work and they just drink their faces off and watch soccer. If your from England than you have to love to drink beer. There is nothing else to do there because the weather and the food are so shitty. Anyways, I want to be in her.

So there are few beauties to get your minds of the Freaks, Peace.

- Carl