10/23/2008 1:00 PM, Reuters - Beyonce would like to be known as "Sasha Fierce"
So Beyonce wants to be known by her alter ego "Sasha Fierce". This is bullshit. How many alter egos can you have? I thought she was already Foxy Cleopatra, and a whole lot of woman!
"I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am," the former Destiny's Child frontwoman said in a statement.
"Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage."
Really? Are you kidding me? Someone that takes over... More glamorous... I cant take this shit. Where do these celebrities get off? You cant just start calling yourself by a different name. First it started with rappers. What ever happened to your rap name just being your nickname like, "Biggie" or "LL Cool J". Now a days its just stupid shit where every rapper whose a little bitch puts "little" in front of their name and thinks it automatically gives them street cred. You cant just give yourself a nickname or an alter ego ("Kenny Kobes"). If you want to be a bad ass, you want to be hard, have a hard name and hit the street. You didn't see Tupac Shakur changing his name. No, he already had a hard ass name given to him by his Black Panther mother. If you want an alter ego you need to be so mentally unstable that you develop one. Will society just eat whatever shit celebrities feed them these days. I hope "Sasha Fierce" goes bankrupt over this. I hope Jay-Z dumps her because she is such an ass clown. GOD DAMN IT!
Original Story from Yahoo http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/61803020
VOLUME IS A MUST! This is my new favorite youtube video. Is it strange that this girl gives me a boner? At least she is enjoying herself and bringing it 100% for the entire song. The song is hot too! Its called "Buddha's Delight" by Haley Bennett. Must be some Euro shit.
Two classic TV dads from the early 90's. Let's figure this one out.
Occupation:
Carl: Is in his 40’s and has yet to rise above the rank of Sergeant in the Chicago Police Department.
Uncle Phil: Has risen from an early life on a farm to a successful lawyer and later a prominent Los Angeles judge.
Parenting:
Carl: Uses the ‘do good for others’ approach to punishment as evident by the time he made Eddie volunteer for Meals on Wheels. His kids are well-grounded and he is also a father figure for Richie and Steve. However, one has to question what kind of father would let their daughter Judy disappear one summer and never be heard from again.
Uncle Phil: You aren’t going to get much by him. He has a strong nose for discipline and will employ whatever punishment the situation calls for. He is a stubborn dad, but will eventually come around if he is out of line – an example being when Ashley wanted to go to public school. He was kind enough to bring Will into his home and treated him as his own son.
Marriage:
Carl: Clearly does not wear the pants in the family.
Uncle Phil: Clearly does not wear the pants in the family.
Are you going to just sit there and take that?:
Carl: How many times is he going to let Urkel ruin his house and sexually harass his daughter before he dishes out an old-fashion ass-kicking? The kid sued him on national TV for Christ’s sake!
Uncle Phil: Geoffrey is the man's butler. How can he let him stand there time after time and insult him in front of his family like that? He should have fired his ass a long time ago.
It wasn’t the most pretty a victory, but there was plenty of good to take away from the win.
- The defense bounced back in a big way from their atrocious performance against the Browns – 6 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, 2 interceptions, a safety and only 11 rushing yards for Frank Gore. Great effort.
- In particular, Chase Blackburn (8 tackles, 1 sack, 1 FF) Justin Tuck (2 sacks, 2 FF) and Michael Johnson (2 INT) had huge games. I hope Antonio Pierce is back soon, but Blackburn will fill in just fine until he does.
- Domenik Hixon didn’t have a single catch, but proved big on special teams. He has two great tackles in punt coverage and downed a ball inside the 5 yard line – though it was called back on an illegal touch penalty.
- The offensive pass interference against Plaxico was an awful, awful call. Still, there is no excuse for him picking up an unsportsmanlike penalty two plays later. As for Eli forcing the ball to him, I think there may be some truth to that. Eli certainly isn’t spreading the ball around like he did in the Seattle game and he threw to Plax when he had three guys on him yesterday.
- As for Eli, not his best work, but he didn’t turn the ball over like he did last week.
- Terrible 3rd down play yesterday – 4-14 ain’t going to cut it.
Overall, there is room for improvement and the offense needs to find a rhythm. Next week is when the schedule gets tough so let’s hope they work the kinks out before then.
The 5-foot-11, 180-pound western Pennsylvania chef is the first person to eat a monstrosity called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser: a 15-pound burger with toppings and a bun that brought the total weight to 20.2 pounds.
You need at least one nostalgia pick on the list and this is a good one.
It doesn’t get much simpler than Candy Land. It’s all luck with no skill whatsoever. Shit, you don’t even need to know how to count since you just follow the colors.
Regardless, Candy Land is a cool ass place. Who didn’t want to live there as a kid? It’s a land made out of candy for Christ’s sake. And I’ll tell you, I wouldn’t mind getting a lick of Princess Lolly. (See what I did there?)
For a simple game, it produced a decent amount of drama. I remember many a time when someone was about to taste victory only to draw the Plumpy card and get sent all the way back to the beginning. On the flipside, it was common to see the person in last place draw the Queen Frostine card and suddenly be on the verge of winning.
And don’t even get me started on Lord Licorice – that miserable prick.
4) Scattegories
An every man for themselves battle that is a sure fire crowd pleaser.
The best part of the game is the amount of thought that goes into it. You cant just put anything down on paper and expect no one else to answer the same thing. If you really want to earn points you need to outthink the opposition. That’s my kind of game.
3) Risk
The classic game of world domination is held in the highest regard by those who play it.
There is a ton of strategy, shit-talking levels of epic proportions and the obligatory “the Ukraine is weak” zinger at least once a game. Best of all, you get a serious sense of accomplishment whenever you win – it’s as if you really are Napoleon.
The only drawback is the amount of effort that goes into organizing a game. You need 4-6 somewhat sober people who all have at least 2 hours on their hands. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, a great time is had by all.
2) Trivial Pursuit
May the man with the most useless knowledge win.
Trivial Pursuit has the same effect on people as Jeopardy in the sense that if you win you automatically feel smarter than someone. And why shouldn’t you? It takes a lot of effort to collect all of those goddamn wedges.
Pursuit is also versatile in the sense that you don’t need to have a full game to declare the better man. It works just fine to have lighting rounds where a full card is asked to two people with the winner being the one to get the most correct.
And like Risk, Trivial Pursuit is the subject of a classic Seinfeld line:
George (to the bubble boy): Oh no… The answer is Moops.
That episode was gold.
1) Pictionary
For my money, it doesn’t get any better than Pictionary.
The game lends itself great for a party atmosphere since you can have multiple teams with multiple payers on each one. The drama created is tremendous as you race to beat the clock. All involved are sure to be drawn into the excitement.
It is also a humbling game, but a gentlemanly one at the same time. If your drawing of “corn on the cob” blows, you are going to hear it from the table. However, these same people will give you some well-deserved compliments if you are able to pull-off a drawing of “toxic waste.”
Throughout a game you’re sure to laugh, cry, get mad, argue and - above all else - have a blast… What more do you need?
I'm assuming this song's popularity (if it had any) has come and gone since the video was posted 4 months ago. Oh well, I've never been one to be on top of the latest trends.
Either way, I'll be damned if that isn't a catching song. The boys still got it.
And here's a classic for all my fellow New Kids fans.
I know, I know. We’re Super Bowl Champions so don’t complain over one loss, but goddamn that was pathetic.
- The person in charge of player relations needs to be fired because clearly Mathias Kiwanuke and Justin Tuck never got memos telling them there was a game last night.
The pass rush was abysmal. I don’t remember Anderson taking a hit all game. When they fail to apply pressure their defense becomes average as was evident. This was the first time all year that we missed Osi.
- It looks like Eli is still going to have bad games because those 3 picks were 100% his fault. He forced it to Burress on the first one, he threw outside when he should have thrown inside on the second and God only knows what he was thinking on the third.
A poor showing, but I’m not too concerned.
- No sense of urgency at all towards the end. The drove the ball all the way to the red zone with the no huddle and then inexplicably went back to it. Awful, awful clock management.
- On the Brightside, Derrick Ward played great and so did Steve Smith. That’s about it though.
They’re still in first place in the conference and have a game they should win next week against the 49ers before things get tough – so it’s not time to panic.
Hopefully this will reignite the fire under their ass.
This is a classic clip with some top-notch commentary. Kudos, to whoever made it.
It boggles my mind that Maury hasn’t come out with a ‘Best of Paternity Tests’ DVD yet. The crying, the victory dances, the “I told you that’s your baby” moments – who wouldn’t watch that?
Hell, they can make a full box-set if they throw in best of 'Send My Teen to Boot Camp,’ ‘From Geek to Chic’ and ‘Controlling Husbands.’
The other night, my friend Paul said Jim Carrey only plays roles where some kind of magic or magical circumstances happen to him.
Only one way to find out.
-Ace Ventura: No -The Mask: Yes -Dumb and Dumber: No -Cable Guy: No -Liar Liar: Yes -Truman Show: Yes -Man on the Moon: No -Me, Myself and Irene: Yes -How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Yes -Bruce Almighty: Yes -Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind: Yes -Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events: Yes -Fun with Dick and Jane: I believe no -The Number 23: I believe yes
Overall, Paul was on to something – especially in the current stage of Jim’s career.
Take a look at this list though. Is there any doubt that Carrey is one of the most underrated actors of our time? At this point he’s putting less thought into what roles he plays, but he was tremendous in his early days. This list proves it as the first 8 movies are all gold, but you never hear his name mentioned at award shows.
…He must cry himself to sleep on a mountain of money every night.
Whenever a childhood favorite of mine is added to the “Nick at Nite” lineup I wonder two things:
1) Am I really this fucking old? 2) Was this actually funny when I was a kid?
I’ll focus on the latter, because the former just depresses me. While some shows have stood the test of time, others clearly haven’t.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:
This is a rare instance of a show getting better with age.
Will’s outfits, Carlton’s dancing, Geoffrey’s zingers and Uncle Phil’s Jazz tossing – its all gold. The pop-culture references are obviously out-dated, but I actually understand them now as opposed to when I was a kid.
Best of all, the show doesn’t get too serious. Sure, there are hard-hitting episodes – Will’s father coming back still gets to me – but, on the whole, the show is all about laughing it up while subtly getting their serious points across.
Most importantly, it reminds everyone that us white people are lame.
Home Improvement:
This one is hit or miss.
Tim Allen is good for some laughs each episode - especially during the Tool Time segments when he is ripping on Al or misquoting Wilson’s words of wisdom.
Jill is the typical sitcom wife – a wet blanket, yet somehow always right. The kids don’t add much since I could care less about Brad’s girl troubles, Marc’s problems adjusting to school or whatever the hell disease they gave JTT.
Overall, it’s watchable, but nowhere near Fresh Prince - though the episode where Shooter McGavin comes back as Tim’s old college buddy is hysterical.
Family Matters:
This isn’t pretty.
How many times can we watch Urkel fall through a roof, drive into the house, throw a bowling ball through a window – the list goes on.
The whole thing gets old fast and Carl’s humor every now and then can’t save it.
And for the record, Laura is one shallow bitch.
Full House:
Family Matters may be bad, but this show takes the cake – it is complete garbage.
Yea, the jokes are lame and we’re supposed to believe that Uncle Jesse is a cool dude even though he lives in his brother-in-laws basement – but that’s not my issue.
No, my problem is that every episode needs to teach us a goddamn lesson. Stephanie learns her classmate’s father kicks the shit out of him – lesson: you need to tell people if abuse is happening. D.J. tries to lose weight and faints – lesson: be happy with who you are. Joey plays a hockey game and resists punching out the asshole who deserved it – lesson: it’s OK to be a pussy.
Don’t get me wrong, these are all valid things to show kids – but why the hell was Full House doing the teaching? Apparently, America was too dumb to be parents themselves and needed Bob Saget to show their kids right from wrong. Give me a break.
Whats good?? So bostons majors sports radio station does this thing everyday at 6 where they take funny messages from the day and edit them into a package to end there rush hour show--- I made the show today by making fun of AL davis-- the link is:
So here is the lowdown: a mentally insane man got naked and started ranting and raving on top of a store awning in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. Cops eventually tasered him, at which point he fell ten feet to his death. And it all got taped by a spectator.
The story gets deeper because apparently the cops involved did not follow proper code in tasering the man and as a result have been relegated to office work. So in essense, their punishement is not being allowed to patrol the streets of BedStuy -- yea, that'll learn them.
I also want to make a note that I found the above video on YouTube uploaded by a user going by the name of TaserTortureTV. What else is in this user's video library? You guessed it, over 25 videos of people being tasered.
The Spanish Olympic Men's basketball team recently took a photo for a Spanish courier ad:
It should be noted that the team is sponsored by a Chinese shoe company. Apparently there isn't a huge uproar just yet, but I for one am expecting a good amount to ensue. The Spanish team, and the courier that ran the ad have not shown the slightest remorse instead have tried to explain themselves. I fail to believe they did this in homage to the nation of China. They look like they're having a little too much fun. Fun that can only be had at someone else's expense.
Here's something I don't understand from the Chinese perspective. Why not just entirely overlook this? It sounds irrational at first but hear me out. Is anyone in China or anyone else going to argue that the Chinese have small, slanted eyes. No. The small possibility that China wages World War III over this photo (currently the Vegas odds are at 55,000:1) is even more of an insult to the Chinese. By making a big deal out of this picture, the Chinese are in fact telling the World that having slanty eyes is in fact an object of ridicule. The Chinese people should just say "Yeah I got small eyes, what of it?" It's stereotypes like these that drive me out of my skull because they are NOT stereotypes, they are truths.
You don't see the black olympians causing a scene when the Swedish team took a team photo with cucumber's in their pants.
I mean, they say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, so why not accept the compliment China?
I personally hope to see some sort of backlash because it would be a new chapter in poor international relations. Correct me if I'm wrong but when is the last time you saw an Hispanic and an Asian do battle over anything (besides the Asian guy's wallet.... sorry, I take that back, it was a layup)?
The only proper revenge I would suggest is for the Chinese team to all grow mustaches for a few days and then photograph themselves.
Wow, this blog was much more racially insensitive than a photo could ever be, and it wasn''t even a thousand words. I guess that saying is total bullshit.
Anyone who knows me is aware that one of the many dirty little secrets I have is that I am a fan of pro-wrestling. Since I was 3-years-old I have been obsessed. My week’s would focus around Saturday’s where I had WWF Superstars at 1pm and then WCW Saturday Night at 6:05 on TBS. Sunday’s were filled with WWF Wrestling Challenge at noon and sometimes a PPV at night which I would watch by looking at the scrambled pictures on TV.
This obsession brings me to my latest induction into Adventures in Nostalgia.
The year is 1992 and Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty are a tag team known as The Rockers. Trouble has been brewing for weeks and things are about to come to blows. In real life this was because Jannetty’s non-stop screwing up due to his party life was causing problems and management had enough – but what the hell did I know?
So the stage is set for one of the most shocking moments of my childhood as The Rockers are seen for the last time as a tag team on this edition of The Barber Shop…
Ho-lee shit!
Remember, this is 1992 – you never saw shit like that when I was a kid. Throwing Jannetty through the glass, are you kidding me? I was crushed. How could Shawn do this?
After this day both men went in about as opposite directions as you could go. Michaels was repackaged as a singles wrestler and ended up being a top-ten performer of all-time. He is still going strong today. Despite his immense talent, Jannetty was fired. He was brought back numerous times over the years but each time was let go because of his addictions. What a shame.
After the excellent post Carmine and the Kobe gave us about game shows I decided to share with everyone a little video of everybody's favorite announcer, Alex Trebek!
5. Stump the Schwab: This is your classic sports trivia show. However, once the contestants weed out one another through games like “Coaching Ladder” and “Odd Man Out,” they then face-off against the “Sultan of Sports Trivia” Howie Schwab for a chance to win a measly $5000. Make no mistake, I’d do a lot of things for 5k, things I would sorely regret, but I say measly because shows like “Deal or No Deal” give out hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. In this show you have to take-on a former editor-in-chief of College and Pro Football News Weekly who knows an ungodly amount about sports for pride, because the money ain’t the draw. I equate the Schwab to Mike Tyson in Punch-Out. You gotta go through much lesser opponents, who can be dangerous if they catch you off guard, and once you pound through them you’re faced with a challenge that is nearly unbeatable. With Mike Tyson, its one punch and you’re done. With Schwabby, you better not get a question wrong, because he will make you pay. I would put this show possibly in my top 3 if it weren’t hosted by Stuart Scott. The man makes me cringe at least once per show, with his obnoxious efforts to unsuccessfully merge his marginal knowledge of hip-hop with sports.
4. Supermarket Sweep: DanO, a prestigious writer for The Flow holds the opinion that Supermarket Sweep had only one good thing going for it…the sweep. While the all-out bedlam that is “the sweep” certainly is the climax of the show, Supermarket Sweep was riddled with exciting and ultimately significant tidbits. One of which was how they chose the contestants. They used a Price is Right style random selection from the audience except instead of using names they would say “would the audience member holding the Depends undergarments come on dooooooooooooooooooooown!!!” It can be said that the little mini-games for the first half of the show are just filler material, but they did hold significance when it came to the sweep. A team with a 2 minute head-start was nearly unbeatable. During the sweep, we were blessed with the opportunity to see men, women, and homosexuals alike pounce on everyday products, get extra points for getting “special products” (a la the coffee grinders) and run into gigantic BONUS items (one that comes to mind was a fucking life-sized jolly green giant). Once the winner of the Big Sweep is determined (quite often the gay couple because they have two men, and clearly know the most about shopping), the winners would get a chance at…. You guessed it $5000 (notice a theme?). This was very challenging however, as they were given a clue that only someone giving a Holmes-ian effort could decode and find the subsequent product. Once they solved the first clue, they had to solve two more clues. Supermarket Sweep: We. Know. Drama.
3. Double Dare: Fact. Marc Summers was a germaphobe. Keeping that in the back of your mind makes this show that much more enjoyable. Since Double Dare went off the air, all the major slime companies have since been put out of business, except of course for Taco Bell. All joking aside, Double Dare, unlike most game shows started off with a fucking bang. As the show began, Mr. Summers would shout “ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GOOOOOOOO!” and anarchy would ensue. Families would wage war in a physical challenge (usually filling some container to a certain point with slime or a liquid that looked suspiciously like semen). This was mainly for bragging rights (and control of the buzzer). After that, you had some questions, but if I were on a team, I’m hoping for some young country boy with a rat-tail or a mullet from the other team (that accurately described 80-90% of the Double Dare contestants) to try my ass in a physical challenge. I think my favorite physical challenge was “Pie in the Pants” if just for the name alone. The team with the most points at the end of regulation got to participate in the obstacle course…..
My immediate thoughts when watching any Double Dare obstacle course is “how many sweatshops are they running to make all this fucking slime?” or “how many alien bukkake’s are they cleaning up after to get all this fucking slime?” Because of Double Dare, Nickelodeon had so much excess goo that they started marketing it as a toy! No joke. Anyone remember Nickelodeon Gak?
2. Match Game PM: When I watch this show I think one thing… “I wish I was alive in the 70s.” For those of you who don’t know about this show, you’ve got to check it out. I described it to my boy Kenny Kobes as “it was a bunch of c-listers sitting on a panel getting sauced up and smoking cigs, and the point was for the contestants to come up with the same answers that the celebs would write down, except the celebs got so drunk they always made their answers about booze or titties.” Anyone who has seen the show can say that this description is spot fucking on. The host, a masterful Gene Rayburn, would ask a fill-in the blank style question, except the question almost always had a very sexual or drug related connotation. Flirtatious Frannie was so flirtatious. HOW FLIRTATIOUs WAS SHE? Flirtatious Frannie was so flirtatious, when Billy the Bellboy showed her to her room, she showed him her_________. I just made that up but I can attest that the ones on the show made it even easier to shout words like “pussy” and “tits” at the TV. Except this was the 70s, so they called parts of the anatomy much more obscure names by today’s standards. For boobs, they used words like “dunes,” “humps,” and “buzzums.” Besides the humorous answers provided by their cast of characters, there was so much else going on to make this show pure gold. There was the obviously drunken and stoned celebrities, as well as the stoned Gene Rayburn. The drug use is made apparent by watching any video of the show (see below). In fact, Match Game would make for one helluva E! True Hollywood Story. I find it impossibly hard to imagine that the backstage area consisted of anything but a gigantic mound of yayo that hosted several orgies before and after each show (remember: the 70s). Another great piece of unintentional humor was the contestant. The contestents were one of two types of people. On the one side there was the straight-edge “deer-in-the-headlights-what-did-I-fucking-get-myself-into” contestant. Then there was also the “Jesus let’s get this over with so I can get high with Charles Nelson Reilly and then fuck Fannie Flagg” contestant. This game show is legendary because no one cared about the prizes, or the pride, everyone just wanted to have the time of their lives and get as messed up as possible doing so.
1. Jeopardy: For my piece on Jeopardy, I am just going to refer you to my colleague Kenny Kobes’ flawless commentary on what is truly the #1 game show of all time.
Kobes’ Top 5 game Shows
5) Debt
This little-known gem ran from 1996-1998 and was hosted by game show legend Wink Martindale. The premise of the game was an interesting one – three people deep in debt play the game with the winner having their spending problems paid off. It was Jeopardy style, with a board of categories and questions. Unlike Jeopardy though, it was all pop-culture which meant you could easily play along – no-matter how dumb you were.
In the end, the winner had the option of walking away debt-free OR answering a bonus question from their area of specialty. If they got the question correct they would not only pay off their debt, but would also double the amount to take home. If they got it wrong, they walked away empty-handed. This part always pissed me off because of the stupidity these people showed in picking their categories. Why would you choose a vast topic like The Simpsons, when you could just as easily say your specialty was a 2-hour movie like Home Alone? Morons…
4) Family Feud
Its time to play the Feud!!!
Hell yea, it doesn’t get much better than this. Everyone knows this long-running series, though I would only include the Roger Dawson and Ray Combs versions as respectable – sorry Al Borland.
The show was simple, a question was asked to 100 people and 2 families had to figure out the most popular answers. Easy, right? Well no, because this show gave us some of the worst answers in game show history. Don’t believe me? Check out this clip…
The Fast Money round at the end was the best with 2 family members going for the $10,000 prize, which most of the time had some great drama since the damn thing was so hard to win it seemed.
No doubt a classic show.
3) Legends of the Hidden Temple
You could say ‘Legends’, and anyone between the ages of 25-20 is going to know what you’re talking about. This was the SHIT when we were young.
The premise was 6 teams of 2 searching an ancient artifact which has somehow got lost in a temple guarded by a talking boulder and…
You know what, who gives a fuck?
The premise didn’t matter. In fact, the first 3 rounds didn’t matter and actually, they sucked. The Steps of Knowledge were particularly horrendous – is this a game show or history class? Not to mention the host looked like a kid-toucher if I ever saw one.
Everyone watched this show for one reason and one reason only – the Temple Run. The Temple may very well be the most elaborate piece of equipment ever built in game show history (rivaling the Finders Keepers set… look it up). It had everything: secret doorways, puzzles, the always pain-in-the-ass Silver Monkey and the Temple Guards. Goddamn those temple guards always popping out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of me.
If a team somehow made it through the Temple in less than 2 minutes they won a trip to Space Camp. Hell yea! Word to Olmec.
Here is a team falling juuuuust short – sucks for them, right Reed?:
2) The Price is Right
Grandma Betty come on down!!!
Johnny Fratboy, you are about to play Plinko!!!
If you stayed home from school as a kid, your TV was turned to CBS at 11am because ‘Bob Barker and the fabulous 60 minute Price is Right’ was about to hit the airwaves.
I can’t even begin to describe what made this show so great, but I’ll try.
It all starts with Bob Barker. He was amazing in the role of host. The old women loved him and the college kids idolized him. It always seemed like he was genuinely happy when people won a big prize. He may have been inappropriate with a few of Barker’s Beauties backstage, but so what? Hell, they were probably asking for it.
The games were classic. There are too many to name, but some of my favorites were: Golden Road, Plinko, Punch Board, Hole in One (or Two), Clock Game, Cliff Hanger, Dice Game the list goes on an on.
Then came the Big Wheel and the Showcase Showdown… Fuhgetaboutit… This game had it all.
You could play along at home and cheer for the people playing on your TV. You felt their pain when they lost or joy when they won – that, my friends, is why this show was so special. (Note: I say WAS special, because without Bob Barker there is no Price is Right. Ya heard?)
There are so many great videos on YouTube to choose from, but I think this one really expresses all I have written about:
1) Jeopardy
The greatest game show of all-time... What is Jeopardy? (see what I did there?)
We all know the rules and how the game works. We all know how simple it is. We all know who hosts it.
So how has the game managed to survive all these years without ever changing its format?
Simple, answering Jeopardy questions makes people feel smart.
It’s true. Have you ever been in a room with a group of people when Jeopardy was on? Watch someone when they get a question right – it’s like they just split the atom. I don’t know how to explain this phenomenon but it happens. The show has managed to market itself as the ultimate test of knowledge -- despite the fact that it’s just useless trivia.
Still, like many others, I can’t get enough of it. In college it was a dorm room ritual that we would watch Jeopardy every night. I’m not lying when I say that disputed answers sometimes came close to full-out brawls. And the winner? Forget it. You could expect to hear shit-talking from him until the next day when another episode aired.
After all, winning an episode of Jeopardy proves you are smarter than someone.
I don’t know how much joe schmo has been monitoring our space program in the last 3 months, but today’s ground breaking announcement from NASA should grab your attention, nerd or not. NASA scientists said Wednesday they had found liquid on Saturn's moon Titan, only the second body in the solar system after Earth to have fluid on its surface. This is the third huge discovery in that time period. It comes on the heels of NASA scientists discovering ice channels near the poles on Mars.
These recent discoveries have ultimately piqued my interest, and made me wonder what do our presidential candidates think about the space program? Obama does not outline a clear position on NASA spending but generally the liberal position on space exploration is that "the money spent on space is wasted; it is better to spend it on things we need here at home." I would imagine that he would keep NASA spending to an absolute minimum. This is in sharp contrast to John McCain whose website says:
"Let us now embark upon this great journey into the stars to find whatever may await us."-John McCain
John McCain is a strong supporter of NASA and the space program. He is proud to have sponsored legislation authorizing funding consistent with the President's vision for the space program, which includes a return of astronauts to the Moon in preparation for a manned mission to Mars. He believes support for a continued US presence in space is of major importance to America's future innovation and security. He has also been a staunch advocate for ensuring that NASA funding is accompanied by proper management and oversight to ensure that the taxpayers receive the maximum return on their investment. John McCain believes curiosity and a drive to explore have always been quintessential American traits. This has been most evident in the space program, for which he will continue his strong support.
I just don’t understand how liberals and anyone else for that matter does not recognize these achievements for what they are… The reason the US is so dominant is because of a vast technological lead over the other “powers”. If we let that go vagrant then we are in serious trouble. The space program has given us the internet, cell phones, satellites, Velcro and tang. Christ what would we do without tang? (not the drink). Maybe once this war is over (July marked the lowest monthly US soldier death toll since we went in, in 03) we can re-direct the spending to space… HA… but still we need to keep moving forward. We are slowly losing our grip on the space and eventually the technological lead that we have over Russia, Japan, the EU and China. The fact is that in the next 10 years the US will be forced to give billions to the Russians and Japanese to shuttle us into space, because we have let our shuttle program lapse. After 2011 (when our current shuttles are set to be retired), we will have a period of 3-5 years before we are able to independently send our astronauts to the international space program. In that time we should be developing the technology to go to Mars. We can’t reproduce status quo. We have to be better. That is the only way to stay on top. And I tell you what, I will be cold and dead before I see some god damn commie calling themselves the world super power. It is time for the cry-baby liberals to choke on it and realize that we are an empire, and we need to act like one. That doesn’t mean we have to always flex our muscles, but it does mean that we have to stay better than the rest of the world.
Lets try to figure out the magnitude of this, shall we?
Street brawler, turned MMA fighter Kimbo Slice and pro-wrestling icon, turned walking joke Hulk Hogan in a movie... a kids movie... a 3D kids movie... called Kung-Fu U.
Good freaking God this is going to be good. It's at a time like this I wish I was friends with the Ganja Queen.
We all know that the Hulkster is a proven Hollywood icon with such box-office hits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and No Holds Barred. The man can act, simple as that. The question is, can Kimbo hold his own alongside a thespian like Hogan? Only time will tell.
In closing, I'll leave you with the theatrical trailer for Hulk's greatest work to date... Santa With Muscles.
After doing some thinking during my lunch break... well, take out the word thinking and replace it with drinking, I thought of the brilliant idea for a new column for The Flow. After a few Bass Ales, the Quest Series was born. The name is kind of self-explanatory; one member of our writing staffwill take on a challenge and chronicle the events leading up to his ultimate success or failure. Being the patriarch of this idea, its only fair that I also serve as the guinea pig; quite like Norman Osbourne/the Green Goblin. As my first quest, I will attempt to gain entry to the elite club for so-called geniuses: Mensa.
For those of you not familiar with Mensa, it is a very secretive group that only allows entry to people with an IQ above the 98th percentile. Allow me to post an excerpt from their official constitution. One might call this their mission statement.
Mensa "provides a forum for intellectual exchange among members. Its activities include the exchange of ideas by lectures, discussions, journals, special-interest groups, and local, regional, national, and international gatherings; the investigations of members' opinions and attitudes; and assistance to researchers, inside and outside Mensa, in projects dealing with intelligence or Mensa." [Mensa Constitution]
Basically in laymen's terms, the above paragraph states that Mensa is an organization for smart people to do the same things that they do everyday, except they don't have to keep looking over their shoulders for the occasional retard.
Are these people on their high horses or what? You would think an organization that sets out to align the world's population of geniuses would want to serve a greater good than to sit on their asses and talk about how stupid everyone else is. They don't even make any attempt to try and translate their intellect into swagger with the ladies. Despite my criticism, I will try to gain entry to this elite club of nerds and Asians.
After conducting some simple research, it seems the only way to get into Mensa is to take their official Mensa test, administered regionally. There's also the alternative of submitting evidence of your score on an approved IQ test. Since I don't have the latter, my choice is easy.
As suggested by the Mensa website, the first step is taking the Mensa workout. This quiz consists of 30 IQ questions that you are given 30 minutes to complete. I've tested at "genius" levels before on IQ tests so I was supremely confident, despite my lackluster GPA in college. The questions were a mixed bag of number sequences, word play, pattern recognition, etc. Some were very very difficult. In the end, I scored a 28 out of 30. That was about what I had come to expect, although I surprised myself with a couple of good estimates. Mensa's website, which I can only assume is run telepathically through the mind of a robot/supercomputer with artificial intelligence, predicted that I have a "very strong" chance at acquiring a membership to their band of social outcasts.
After what some would call an utter domination of the Mensa workout, I was riding high. I looked up when the next test sessions in the Washington, DC area would be. Unfortunately, I can't attend the next test, so I can't give an ETA as to when Part 2 of this series will be.
I should point out that Mensa has many subchapters. The subchapter that will be reviewing me is called the Metropolitan Washington Mensa. The leader of this cadre is a man known simply as Herb Guggenheim. I know what you're thinking... "Herb Guggenheim, what a sweet porn name." (could be made sweeter if it were Herb Huge-enheim) I thought the same thing. That is, of course, until I saw his picture. This guy couldn't pass for a pornstar if his name were Herpes Von Monstercock, not even a gay one. Without further ado... Suuuuuuuey. Suuuuuu-Suuuuu-Suuuuuey! Damn that's a face made for radio.
Turns out they're actually a pretty active group. They go to shooting ranges, comedy clubs, drinking, etc. The catch is that you gotta hang out with droves of people looking like ol' Herbie up there. But hell, this is the Quest Series, and I'm setting a precedent. If I'm doing this thing, I'm doing it balls to the wall. Until next time...
So by now everyone has seen the documentary The Ganja Queen about Australian Schapelle Corby who was caught trying to smuggle 4.2 kg (about 9 lbs.) of pot stored in her boogie board bag into Bali. Long story short she got 20 years in a Indonesian prison, the trial was crazy, yada, yada, yada, see the movie. Bottom line is... she's a smoke show. I mean what do you have to do to get a conjugal in a Balinese prison?
The fact of the matter is this girl is guilty as sin. Maybe she shouldn't be sentenced to 20 years in an Indonesian prison, but this bitch knew what was going on. From my extensive internet research of the situation I have been able to find out the real deal of what went down. Recently this guy Malcolm McCauley who just served 15 months in prison came out and revealed what really happened. He said that he had been selling pot to Corby's father since 2000, and that her father and delinquent brothers had been smuggling it into Bali for years. They would pack a shit load in a bag with $1,000 US as a bribe for the Indonesian custom officials, and the officials would just take the money and waive the bag through. Sometimes the bags wouldn't get checked, and they would make out with the pot and the money.
Apparently on the trip where she got arrested her douche brother James Kasina had already taken the $1,000. Who knows why? Maybe he owed someone money, or maybe he just thought they would get away with it scott free, but he got her fucked. Although McCauley says that Schapelle had never been part of the plan before, he admits that she knew about the whole operation. So when the customs official asked whose bag it was, and it was her bag, she took it from her brother and opened it up for the official thinking that the money would be there and they would be all good. Instead there was just a huge bag of stinky weed and she was about to enter a world of trouble. McCauley even went to Bali a week after Schapelle was arrested to speak with her and make sure that he was in the clear. Eventually photos of the two during that visit were found when McCauley's house was raided and he was busted for drugs in an unrelated case. So basically this chick is just a soldier. She is doing her time like any self respecting member of the drug community should, and I applaud her for that.
Luckily Schapelle didn't get the death penalty by a firing squad, which is the maximum penalty for this offense, because that would be a waste of some nice Australian ass. But to be honest i don't feel that bad for her. It was a stupid move by her. If your running drugs to a foreign country that has some serious penalties for drug offenses you need to stick to the fucking plan. Don't take the situation into your own hands unless you know the operation inside and out, which she obviously did not. And what a shitty plan to begin with. Yeah it had been working for years, and I know people say try not to make things too complicated, but you at least have to have an inside man. I'm not condoning drug trafficing or the use of drugs, but its marijuana. Come on! 20 years for pot, that sucks! I think the world needs to go in either 2 directions. Legalize everything, or at least pot and cocaine, and let the paramedics sort it out, or make take a strong stance and really give everyone who gets caught with drugs a boot in the ass. As long as we keep booze everything will be fine, but that is a discussion for another post. Peace.
After seeing the Yo-Yo World Championships on TV yesterday I decided its time to invest.From what I remember from my youth, Duncan was the company to go with.More research will tell if that’s still the case.
I imagine chicks dig a guy who can handle a yo-yo, though that is an unfounded claim at this point.I suppose, we shall see.
For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...
Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.
I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.
If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.
This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.
There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):
Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!
These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?
Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:
Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.
While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:
Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
Chickens with tomato firing mortars
Inivisible Boogey Man
Satan
An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)
If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).
I know that the few people who read this blog have been scared shitless to close their eyes the last few days because of the horrifying nature of the most recent post. Don't worry, I am here to salvage what small part of your soul that wasn't destroyed by watching the freak videos. I will introduce you to the cause and cure to all life's problems... Hot chicks.
This is Meagan Good. She is a 26 year old actress who has appeared in many things including House Party 3, Waist Deep (not a porno), and The Love Guru. She is straight up gorgeous. You can't teach sex appeal like this. How does she walk down the street without every guy humping her like Jack Russel Terriers? I mean I'm basically obsessed. If I could find naked pictures of this girl she would be like my number 1 beat-offer-to.
Susie Feldman. Wait a minute, you mean like Corey Feldman? Yeah unfortunately I do. If you don't remember who Corey Feldman is don't worry about it, I don't exactly either. All I remember is he is one of those 80's douche bags that was in Lost Boys. I'm not sure if its the really cracked out one, or if its the one who was also in Goonies. Needless to say, this chick obviously has some baggage if she is married to one of those tools. This is the kind of crap that really pisses me off. Some little smart mouthed bitch 5 year old gets his 15 minutes of fame 20 years ago, ruins his career with rampant drug use, and is now a career fuck up with a smoking hot wife. I just don't get it. Ladies, do you have an answer? If you do speak up. Maybe this guy has a huge donkey dick or something, but I didn't see him on the Freak post, so I doubt it. Anyways, I love what this chick is working with.
This is Joanna Krupa. She is a Polish-American model. This just isn't fair for all the women out there. There is absolutely no chance that any girl that will ever read this blog is as hot as Joanna Krupa. If you read this and think that's a false statement, than feel free to email a few pictures of yourself to hittingtheflow@yahoo.com, and my colleagues and I will be he judge. Ladies don't feel offended, this isn't fair to us men either. Just once I would like to fuck a girl this hot, just once, but it will never happen.
Danielle Lloyd. Hot name, hot tits, hot everything. She was Miss England 2004, and now she does the reality TV circuit in the U.K. Oh man this chick is hot, shes young (24) and you know she shags like a minx because she is from England. Celebrities in England do even less than Celebrities in the States. All they do is go on vacations to sweet beaches and take off their tops. The one thing that I do respect about England is that everyone hates to work and they just drink their faces off and watch soccer. If your from England than you have to love to drink beer. There is nothing else to do there because the weather and the food are so shitty. Anyways, I want to be in her.
So there are few beauties to get your minds of the Freaks, Peace.
I could probably write the most brilliant piece of journalism in the world right now and the only thing you would take home from it would be what I am about to say: this chick is a 19 year old with 34FF yabbos!
She also doesn't seem to be too bright because that bat was reportedly just chillin' with her sweat hogs for approximately 5 HOURS! I don't know about you, but after reading a number of articles in regards to this event, I'm pretty certain the girl is a vampiropheliac (gets off to bats). This bat, which was apparently the size of a human hand, had to have been placed there intentionally by Miss Hawkins herself. There is no way a girl, whose supple breasts were already spilling out of her bra, would not notice if i just stuck my fist and jammed it in there with them, and my fist doesn't have fucking fangs (the better to bite off your nips with). When asked suspiciously as to why she didn't do anything about it during the first 5 hours, her excuse was that she thought it was her cell phone vibrating. All well and good, she didn't think it was a bat, but this lame-ass excuse, if true, just solidifies the fact that this chick is a nympho. What kind of a girl stores her cell phone in her bra routinely enough to not find it out of the ordinary? And furthermore, what kind of girl, whose phone is being kept in her bra, doesn't answer it when it vibrates, presumably from the sheer pleasure? I'll tell you what kind of girl... my kind.
After a punch line like the one above, most sensible comedians would end their act on a high note. I however am neither sensible nor a comedian so this show must go on. Let's just assume for the moment that the truth is that this girl really did not notice a fist-sized bat in her bra. To me, this puts to rest the already absurd argument that a girl's jugs are even close to as sensitive as a guy's nuts. There is no way if something the size of a grain of rice were in my underwear, rubbin' up on my sac, I wouldn't panic. If it were the size of a hand, I would panic (depending on how feminine the hand was to the touch). If it were the size of a hand, and had teeth, and claws and could fucking fly, I would only anger it further by soiling it involuntarily. Next time you punch a girl in the tits (by accident or on purpose) and she attempts to get even with you by inflicting pain on your balls, cite this article.
I'm not gonna lie, Kobel's dose of nostalgia completely missed the mark with me. Fucked if I remember Mousetrap. By the sounds of it, my childhood was all the better for it. When it came to toys and games, my progression was a simple one. First, it was Lincoln Logs and action figures, most of which were from TMNT (if you don't know this acronym, well, you best have a vagina). Eventually those got old, and I moved on to Legos. Sweet. Then, around the tender age of 6 or 7, I played my first video game, and that, as they say, was that.
Now I will inevitably dedicate one, if not many, future blogs to the subject of video games, but today I'd like to focus on just one in particular: Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo. Sure, it wasn't the greatest game, and not quite so retro as to be truly the subject of nostalgia, but you must understand, I have a special attachment to DKC. For you see, according to Nintendo Power magazine--the definitive source on all things Nintendo back in the day--I am one of the elite few to be labeled one of the greatest Donkey Kong Country players of all time. Eat your fucking heart out.
Donkey Kong Country was a sweet game. Classic side-scrolling action at its best. On a scale of 1-10, the graphics at the time would have ranked a fucking awesome. We're talking pants-creamingly good. It was a fun--if not too difficult--game. So I was pumped when I read in Nintendo Power that they were having a contest to see who could beat the game, finding all the secrets, in the fastest time. I was all over this shit.
Now, the first thing you had to know about this game was that its namesake, Donkey Kong, well, kinda sucked balls. Sure he's loveable, but when you're going for the gold, there's only one trait you care about, and that is whether this primate is capable of kicking ass and taking names. While other chimps out there are ripping off testicles, chewing off noses, and learning how to manipulate firearms (see Carl's blog below), DK's arsenal consisted of little more than trolling around at a snail's pace, and as if that weren't bad enough, his special attack was a forward roll. Needless to say, it sucked dick. Big, hairy, simian dick.
On the other hand, his little pal Diddy Kong was straight ballin'. While nowhere near as strong as DK, this little guy was infinitely faster, making him capable of wreaking infinitely more havoc. His main move was a cartwheel, which fruity as it may sound, was pretty badass. The best part was how he could do a cartwheel into midair, and then jump--while in midair--making it possible to reach areas you would otherwise have no chance at. This was the key to unlocking many of the game's secrets and vital to my mission. As a kid of just nine years, this move came about as close to inducing my first boner as anything. That's the funny thing about being a kid--present 9 yr. old me a girl with big ol' titties and a round ass? Thanks, but no thanks. Present me a monkey named Diddy that wore a shirt and a cap and could transition from a cartwheel to a jump in mid-air? Fuck yeah. Although I must admit, Candy Kong was a fine piece of ass. Shorty be looking fine:
Like I said, the game wasn't too hard. You basically just had to run through these levels finding the secret rooms, while killing the occasional enemy, which usually meant just jumping on them. Most of the enemies and levels were pretty forgettable, although one level entitled "Necky's Nuts," which features a vulture trying to bust a (coco)nut on your head, is one that I am able to enjoy on a whole new level as a mature adult.
The game, though, did have a few things that were pretty tricky. For instance, as I mentioned, I needed to find all of the secret rooms--not for the one-ups and shit that often lay inside, but because doing so counted towards my final score, and I needed a perfect one. Most were straightforward, just throw a barrel at a suspicious looking wall and there you go. But there was this one secret room that was damn near impossible to find. First, you had to get into a secret room (not the one in discussion) by throwing a barrel at a wall. So you go in and there's this roulette-like game where you can time it so that you get whatever prize you want. The options were something like: a one-up, a two-up (nut nut nut), ten bananas (100 bananas = 1 life), or 1 lousy banana. Much like in a prison shower, receiving a banana was the last thing you wanted in DKC. It was easy enough to avoid, too, so you probably would never get it. Here's the kicker though: in order to get into the second room, you HAD to get it. Once you did, a barrel would appear out of thin air, and you would throw that at another wall, which would lead to ANOTHER secret room. This was unprecedented. I mean, what sadistic fucks. You're telling me some ten year old is supposed to have the foresight to look for a secret room, INSIDE a secret room? What fuckers.
So then you finally beat the game 100% (according to the game's tally), and you think you're the shit. Wrong, pal. You see, the game actually goes to 101%. Combine this with that secret in a secret bullshit, and we're talking legions of kids who never knew that they had, in fact, failed in their quest to be just like me--a fucking DKC master.
But me and Diddy knew better. Blazing through the game at a maddening pace, I managed to reach 101% in a mere 1:14. Give me the fucking gold, I thought. But not just yet. One of the biggest pains in the asses was getting evidence of the achievement. To do so, you had to submit a picture of the end of game screen showing your time/score, but the picture also had to include the Super Nintendo as well. This was to ensure that you weren't using something like Game Genie (which plugged into the Super Nintendo) to cheat. Nintendo Power demanding to see the system would be like if R. Kelly was showing his boys a sex tape of him pissing on some girl, only his dick wasn't showing, and then his buddies being like "wait a second... how do we know that's really you showerin' on that broad?" I mean, give me a break. This really sucked for me because my Super Nintendo was nowhere close to my TV, and due to the weak ass setup of my bedroom, it was damn near an effort in futility. But I was going to be damned if all the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested into those two days of my life were going to go to waste, and I made do.
Eagerly I awaited for months before the issue came out announcing the results. In glorious anticipation I flipped furiously through the pages, waiting to see my name in big bold letters with the words "THE MAN" slapped next to them. Alas, this was not to be the case. Some bastard had the audacity to clock an incredible 1:08, knocking my ass down into a shameful second place. It's okay though, I'm sure he never gets laid. I mean, who comes in first in a video game contest in a video game magazine? Homo.
If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.
This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.
Susie Feldman. Wait a minute, you mean like Corey Feldman? Yeah unfortunately I do. If you don't remember who Corey Feldman is don't worry about it, I don't exactly either. All I remember is he is one of those 80's douche bags that was in Lost Boys. I'm not sure if its the really cracked out one, or if its the one who was also in Goonies. Needless to say, this chick obviously has some baggage if she is married to one of those tools. This is the kind of crap that really pisses me off. Some little smart mouthed bitch 5 year old gets his 15 minutes of fame 20 years ago, ruins his career with rampant drug use, and is now a career fuck up with a smoking hot wife. I just don't get it. Ladies, do you have an answer? If you do speak up. Maybe this guy has a huge donkey dick or something, but I didn't see him on the Freak post, so I doubt it. Anyways, I love what this chick is working with.
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