The Ganja Queen

So by now everyone has seen the documentary The Ganja Queen about Australian Schapelle Corby who was caught trying to smuggle 4.2 kg (about 9 lbs.) of pot stored in her boogie board bag into Bali. Long story short she got 20 years in a Indonesian prison, the trial was crazy, yada, yada, yada, see the movie. Bottom line is... she's a smoke show. I mean what do you have to do to get a conjugal in a Balinese prison?

The fact of the matter is this girl is guilty as sin. Maybe she shouldn't be sentenced to 20 years in an Indonesian prison, but this bitch knew what was going on. From my extensive internet research of the situation I have been able to find out the real deal of what went down. Recently this guy Malcolm McCauley who just served 15 months in prison came out and revealed what really happened. He said that he had been selling pot to Corby's father since 2000, and that her father and delinquent brothers had been smuggling it into Bali for years. They would pack a shit load in a bag with $1,000 US as a bribe for the Indonesian custom officials, and the officials would just take the money and waive the bag through. Sometimes the bags wouldn't get checked, and they would make out with the pot and the money.

Apparently on the trip where she got arrested her douche brother James Kasina had already taken the $1,000. Who knows why? Maybe he owed someone money, or maybe he just thought they would get away with it scott free, but he got her fucked. Although McCauley says that Schapelle had never been part of the plan before, he admits that she knew about the whole operation. So when the customs official asked whose bag it was, and it was her bag, she took it from her brother and opened it up for the official thinking that the money would be there and they would be all good. Instead there was just a huge bag of stinky weed and she was about to enter a world of trouble. McCauley even went to Bali a week after Schapelle was arrested to speak with her and make sure that he was in the clear. Eventually photos of the two during that visit were found when McCauley's house was raided and he was busted for drugs in an unrelated case. So basically this chick is just a soldier. She is doing her time like any self respecting member of the drug community should, and I applaud her for that.

Luckily Schapelle didn't get the death penalty by a firing squad, which is the maximum penalty for this offense, because that would be a waste of some nice Australian ass. But to be honest i don't feel that bad for her. It was a stupid move by her. If your running drugs to a foreign country that has some serious penalties for drug offenses you need to stick to the fucking plan. Don't take the situation into your own hands unless you know the operation inside and out, which she obviously did not. And what a shitty plan to begin with. Yeah it had been working for years, and I know people say try not to make things too complicated, but you at least have to have an inside man. I'm not condoning drug trafficing or the use of drugs, but its marijuana. Come on! 20 years for pot, that sucks! I think the world needs to go in either 2 directions. Legalize everything, or at least pot and cocaine, and let the paramedics sort it out, or make take a strong stance and really give everyone who gets caught with drugs a boot in the ass. As long as we keep booze everything will be fine, but that is a discussion for another post. Peace.

- Carl

Yo-Yo Ma

After seeing the Yo-Yo World Championships on TV yesterday I decided its time to invest. From what I remember from my youth, Duncan was the company to go with. More research will tell if that’s still the case.

I imagine chicks dig a guy who can handle a yo-yo, though that is an unfounded claim at this point. I suppose, we shall see.

In the meantime, check out this guy’s skillz.

-Kobes

Adventures in Nostalgia #2: Toejam & Earl

For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...



Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.

I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.

If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.

This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.

There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):

• Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
• Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
• Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
• Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
• Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
• Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
• Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
• Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
• Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!

These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?

Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:

• Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
• Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
• Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.

While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:

• Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
• A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
• A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
• Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
• Chickens with tomato firing mortars
• Inivisible Boogey Man
• Satan
• An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)

If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).

Enjoy!

Don't Worry... Hot Chicks

I know that the few people who read this blog have been scared shitless to close their eyes the last few days because of the horrifying nature of the most recent post. Don't worry, I am here to salvage what small part of your soul that wasn't destroyed by watching the freak videos. I will introduce you to the cause and cure to all life's problems... Hot chicks.

This is Meagan Good. She is a 26 year old actress who has appeared in many things including House Party 3, Waist Deep (not a porno), and The Love Guru. She is straight up gorgeous. You can't teach sex appeal like this. How does she walk down the street without every guy humping her like Jack Russel Terriers? I mean I'm basically obsessed. If I could find naked pictures of this girl she would be like my number 1 beat-offer-to.

Susie Feldman. Wait a minute, you mean like Corey Feldman? Yeah unfortunately I do. If you don't remember who Corey Feldman is don't worry about it, I don't exactly either. All I remember is he is one of those 80's douche bags that was in Lost Boys. I'm not sure if its the really cracked out one, or if its the one who was also in Goonies. Needless to say, this chick obviously has some baggage if she is married to one of those tools. This is the kind of crap that really pisses me off. Some little smart mouthed bitch 5 year old gets his 15 minutes of fame 20 years ago, ruins his career with rampant drug use, and is now a career fuck up with a smoking hot wife. I just don't get it. Ladies, do you have an answer? If you do speak up. Maybe this guy has a huge donkey dick or something, but I didn't see him on the Freak post, so I doubt it. Anyways, I love what this chick is working with.

This is Joanna Krupa. She is a Polish-American model. This just isn't fair for all the women out there. There is absolutely no chance that any girl that will ever read this blog is as hot as Joanna Krupa. If you read this and think that's a false statement, than feel free to email a few pictures of yourself to hittingtheflow@yahoo.com, and my colleagues and I will be he judge. Ladies don't feel offended, this isn't fair to us men either. Just once I would like to fuck a girl this hot, just once, but it will never happen.


Danielle Lloyd. Hot name, hot tits, hot everything. She was Miss England 2004, and now she does the reality TV circuit in the U.K. Oh man this chick is hot, shes young (24) and you know she shags like a minx because she is from England. Celebrities in England do even less than Celebrities in the States. All they do is go on vacations to sweet beaches and take off their tops. The one thing that I do respect about England is that everyone hates to work and they just drink their faces off and watch soccer. If your from England than you have to love to drink beer. There is nothing else to do there because the weather and the food are so shitty. Anyways, I want to be in her.

So there are few beauties to get your minds of the Freaks, Peace.

- Carl

Mondo Freaks!

Some serious mondo freaks:















Add as you see fit.

-KanO and DanO

Study: Bats and Humans Have Similar Interests

"I Had a Bat in My Bra!"

I could probably write the most brilliant piece of journalism in the world right now and the only thing you would take home from it would be what I am about to say: this chick is a 19 year old with 34FF yabbos!

She also doesn't seem to be too bright because that bat was reportedly just chillin' with her sweat hogs for approximately 5 HOURS! I don't know about you, but after reading a number of articles in regards to this event, I'm pretty certain the girl is a vampiropheliac (gets off to bats). This bat, which was apparently the size of a human hand, had to have been placed there intentionally by Miss Hawkins herself. There is no way a girl, whose supple breasts were already spilling out of her bra, would not notice if i just stuck my fist and jammed it in there with them, and my fist doesn't have fucking fangs (the better to bite off your nips with). When asked suspiciously as to why she didn't do anything about it during the first 5 hours, her excuse was that she thought it was her cell phone vibrating. All well and good, she didn't think it was a bat, but this lame-ass excuse, if true, just solidifies the fact that this chick is a nympho. What kind of a girl stores her cell phone in her bra routinely enough to not find it out of the ordinary? And furthermore, what kind of girl, whose phone is being kept in her bra, doesn't answer it when it vibrates, presumably from the sheer pleasure? I'll tell you what kind of girl... my kind.

After a punch line like the one above, most sensible comedians would end their act on a high note. I however am neither sensible nor a comedian so this show must go on. Let's just assume for the moment that the truth is that this girl really did not notice a fist-sized bat in her bra. To me, this puts to rest the already absurd argument that a girl's jugs are even close to as sensitive as a guy's nuts. There is no way if something the size of a grain of rice were in my underwear, rubbin' up on my sac, I wouldn't panic. If it were the size of a hand, I would panic (depending on how feminine the hand was to the touch). If it were the size of a hand, and had teeth, and claws and could fucking fly, I would only anger it further by soiling it involuntarily. Next time you punch a girl in the tits (by accident or on purpose) and she attempts to get even with you by inflicting pain on your balls, cite this article.

-Carm

Bananas Galore, Necky's Nuts, and Giant Crocs: My Childhood Experience with Donkey Kong Country

I'm not gonna lie, Kobel's dose of nostalgia completely missed the mark with me. Fucked if I remember Mousetrap. By the sounds of it, my childhood was all the better for it. When it came to toys and games, my progression was a simple one. First, it was Lincoln Logs and action figures, most of which were from TMNT (if you don't know this acronym, well, you best have a vagina). Eventually those got old, and I moved on to Legos. Sweet. Then, around the tender age of 6 or 7, I played my first video game, and that, as they say, was that.

Now I will inevitably dedicate one, if not many, future blogs to the subject of video games, but today I'd like to focus on just one in particular: Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo. Sure, it wasn't the greatest game, and not quite so retro as to be truly the subject of nostalgia, but you must understand, I have a special attachment to DKC. For you see, according to Nintendo Power magazine--the definitive source on all things Nintendo back in the day--I am one of the elite few to be labeled one of the greatest Donkey Kong Country players of all time. Eat your fucking heart out.

Donkey Kong Country was a sweet game. Classic side-scrolling action at its best. On a scale of 1-10, the graphics at the time would have ranked a fucking awesome. We're talking pants-creamingly good. It was a fun--if not too difficult--game. So I was pumped when I read in Nintendo Power that they were having a contest to see who could beat the game, finding all the secrets, in the fastest time. I was all over this shit.

Now, the first thing you had to know about this game was that its namesake, Donkey Kong, well, kinda sucked balls. Sure he's loveable, but when you're going for the gold, there's only one trait you care about, and that is whether this primate is capable of kicking ass and taking names. While other chimps out there are ripping off testicles, chewing off noses, and learning how to manipulate firearms (see Carl's blog below), DK's arsenal consisted of little more than trolling around at a snail's pace, and as if that weren't bad enough, his special attack was a forward roll. Needless to say, it sucked dick. Big, hairy, simian dick.

On the other hand, his little pal Diddy Kong was straight ballin'. While nowhere near as strong as DK, this little guy was infinitely faster, making him capable of wreaking infinitely more havoc. His main move was a cartwheel, which fruity as it may sound, was pretty badass. The best part was how he could do a cartwheel into midair, and then jump--while in midair--making it possible to reach areas you would otherwise have no chance at. This was the key to unlocking many of the game's secrets and vital to my mission. As a kid of just nine years, this move came about as close to inducing my first boner as anything. That's the funny thing about being a kid--present 9 yr. old me a girl with big ol' titties and a round ass? Thanks, but no thanks. Present me a monkey named Diddy that wore a shirt and a cap and could transition from a cartwheel to a jump in mid-air? Fuck yeah. Although I must admit, Candy Kong was a fine piece of ass. Shorty be looking fine:



Like I said, the game wasn't too hard. You basically just had to run through these levels finding the secret rooms, while killing the occasional enemy, which usually meant just jumping on them. Most of the enemies and levels were pretty forgettable, although one level entitled "Necky's Nuts," which features a vulture trying to bust a (coco)nut on your head, is one that I am able to enjoy on a whole new level as a mature adult.

The game, though, did have a few things that were pretty tricky. For instance, as I mentioned, I needed to find all of the secret rooms--not for the one-ups and shit that often lay inside, but because doing so counted towards my final score, and I needed a perfect one. Most were straightforward, just throw a barrel at a suspicious looking wall and there you go. But there was this one secret room that was damn near impossible to find. First, you had to get into a secret room (not the one in discussion) by throwing a barrel at a wall. So you go in and there's this roulette-like game where you can time it so that you get whatever prize you want. The options were something like: a one-up, a two-up (nut nut nut), ten bananas (100 bananas = 1 life), or 1 lousy banana. Much like in a prison shower, receiving a banana was the last thing you wanted in DKC. It was easy enough to avoid, too, so you probably would never get it. Here's the kicker though: in order to get into the second room, you HAD to get it. Once you did, a barrel would appear out of thin air, and you would throw that at another wall, which would lead to ANOTHER secret room. This was unprecedented. I mean, what sadistic fucks. You're telling me some ten year old is supposed to have the foresight to look for a secret room, INSIDE a secret room? What fuckers.

So then you finally beat the game 100% (according to the game's tally), and you think you're the shit. Wrong, pal. You see, the game actually goes to 101%. Combine this with that secret in a secret bullshit, and we're talking legions of kids who never knew that they had, in fact, failed in their quest to be just like me--a fucking DKC master.

But me and Diddy knew better. Blazing through the game at a maddening pace, I managed to reach 101% in a mere 1:14. Give me the fucking gold, I thought. But not just yet. One of the biggest pains in the asses was getting evidence of the achievement. To do so, you had to submit a picture of the end of game screen showing your time/score, but the picture also had to include the Super Nintendo as well. This was to ensure that you weren't using something like Game Genie (which plugged into the Super Nintendo) to cheat. Nintendo Power demanding to see the system would be like if R. Kelly was showing his boys a sex tape of him pissing on some girl, only his dick wasn't showing, and then his buddies being like "wait a second... how do we know that's really you showerin' on that broad?" I mean, give me a break. This really sucked for me because my Super Nintendo was nowhere close to my TV, and due to the weak ass setup of my bedroom, it was damn near an effort in futility. But I was going to be damned if all the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested into those two days of my life were going to go to waste, and I made do.

Eagerly I awaited for months before the issue came out announcing the results. In glorious anticipation I flipped furiously through the pages, waiting to see my name in big bold letters with the words "THE MAN" slapped next to them. Alas, this was not to be the case. Some bastard had the audacity to clock an incredible 1:08, knocking my ass down into a shameful second place. It's okay though, I'm sure he never gets laid. I mean, who comes in first in a video game contest in a video game magazine? Homo.

-DanO