So I Wish I Could've Gone to Space Camp, Wanna Fight About it?

I don’t know how much joe schmo has been monitoring our space program in the last 3 months, but today’s ground breaking announcement from NASA should grab your attention, nerd or not. NASA scientists said Wednesday they had found liquid on Saturn's moon Titan, only the second body in the solar system after Earth to have fluid on its surface. This is the third huge discovery in that time period. It comes on the heels of NASA scientists discovering ice channels near the poles on Mars.

These recent discoveries have ultimately piqued my interest, and made me wonder what do our presidential candidates think about the space program? Obama does not outline a clear position on NASA spending but generally the liberal position on space exploration is that "the money spent on space is wasted; it is better to spend it on things we need here at home." I would imagine that he would keep NASA spending to an absolute minimum. This is in sharp contrast to John McCain whose website says:

"Let us now embark upon this great journey into the stars to find whatever may await us."-John McCain

John McCain is a strong supporter of NASA and the space program. He is proud to have sponsored legislation authorizing funding consistent with the President's vision for the space program, which includes a return of astronauts to the Moon in preparation for a manned mission to Mars. He believes support for a continued US presence in space is of major importance to America's future innovation and security. He has also been a staunch advocate for ensuring that NASA funding is accompanied by proper management and oversight to ensure that the taxpayers receive the maximum return on their investment. John McCain believes curiosity and a drive to explore have always been quintessential American traits. This has been most evident in the space program, for which he will continue his strong support.

I just don’t understand how liberals and anyone else for that matter does not recognize these achievements for what they are… The reason the US is so dominant is because of a vast technological lead over the other “powers”. If we let that go vagrant then we are in serious trouble. The space program has given us the internet, cell phones, satellites, Velcro and tang. Christ what would we do without tang? (not the drink). Maybe once this war is over (July marked the lowest monthly US soldier death toll since we went in, in 03) we can re-direct the spending to space… HA… but still we need to keep moving forward. We are slowly losing our grip on the space and eventually the technological lead that we have over Russia, Japan, the EU and China. The fact is that in the next 10 years the US will be forced to give billions to the Russians and Japanese to shuttle us into space, because we have let our shuttle program lapse. After 2011 (when our current shuttles are set to be retired), we will have a period of 3-5 years before we are able to independently send our astronauts to the international space program. In that time we should be developing the technology to go to Mars. We can’t reproduce status quo. We have to be better. That is the only way to stay on top. And I tell you what, I will be cold and dead before I see some god damn commie calling themselves the world super power. It is time for the cry-baby liberals to choke on it and realize that we are an empire, and we need to act like one. That doesn’t mean we have to always flex our muscles, but it does mean that we have to stay better than the rest of the world.

Your Anus:

-Reed

Watchu Gonna Do, When Kimbo and The Hulkster...

... Run Wild On You!?!?!

Lets try to figure out the magnitude of this, shall we?

Street brawler, turned MMA fighter Kimbo Slice and pro-wrestling icon, turned walking joke Hulk Hogan in a movie... a kids movie... a 3D kids movie... called Kung-Fu U.

Good freaking God this is going to be good. It's at a time like this I wish I was friends with the Ganja Queen.

We all know that the Hulkster is a proven Hollywood icon with such box-office hits as Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and No Holds Barred. The man can act, simple as that. The question is, can Kimbo hold his own alongside a thespian like Hogan? Only time will tell.

In closing, I'll leave you with the theatrical trailer for Hulk's greatest work to date... Santa With Muscles.



-Kobes

Quest Series: Mensa Part 1

After doing some thinking during my lunch break... well, take out the word thinking and replace it with drinking, I thought of the brilliant idea for a new column for The Flow. After a few Bass Ales, the Quest Series was born. The name is kind of self-explanatory; one member of our writing staff will take on a challenge and chronicle the events leading up to his ultimate success or failure. Being the patriarch of this idea, its only fair that I also serve as the guinea pig; quite like Norman Osbourne/the Green Goblin. As my first quest, I will attempt to gain entry to the elite club for so-called geniuses: Mensa.



For those of you not familiar with Mensa, it is a very secretive group that only allows entry to people with an IQ above the 98th percentile. Allow me to post an excerpt from their official constitution. One might call this their mission statement.

Mensa "provides a forum for intellectual exchange among members. Its activities include the exchange of ideas by lectures, discussions, journals, special-interest groups, and local, regional, national, and international gatherings; the investigations of members' opinions and attitudes; and assistance to researchers, inside and outside Mensa, in projects dealing with intelligence or Mensa." [Mensa Constitution]

Basically in laymen's terms, the above paragraph states that Mensa is an organization for smart people to do the same things that they do everyday, except they don't have to keep looking over their shoulders for the occasional retard.

Are these people on their high horses or what? You would think an organization that sets out to align the world's population of geniuses would want to serve a greater good than to sit on their asses and talk about how stupid everyone else is. They don't even make any attempt to try and translate their intellect into swagger with the ladies. Despite my criticism, I will try to gain entry to this elite club of nerds and Asians.

After conducting some simple research, it seems the only way to get into Mensa is to take their official Mensa test, administered regionally. There's also the alternative of submitting evidence of your score on an approved IQ test. Since I don't have the latter, my choice is easy.

As suggested by the Mensa website, the first step is taking the Mensa workout. This quiz consists of 30 IQ questions that you are given 30 minutes to complete. I've tested at "genius" levels before on IQ tests so I was supremely confident, despite my lackluster GPA in college. The questions were a mixed bag of number sequences, word play, pattern recognition, etc. Some were very very difficult. In the end, I scored a 28 out of 30. That was about what I had come to expect, although I surprised myself with a couple of good estimates. Mensa's website, which I can only assume is run telepathically through the mind of a robot/supercomputer with artificial intelligence, predicted that I have a "very strong" chance at acquiring a membership to their band of social outcasts.

After what some would call an utter domination of the Mensa workout, I was riding high. I looked up when the next test sessions in the Washington, DC area would be. Unfortunately, I can't attend the next test, so I can't give an ETA as to when Part 2 of this series will be.

I should point out that Mensa has many subchapters. The subchapter that will be reviewing me is called the Metropolitan Washington Mensa. The leader of this cadre is a man known simply as Herb Guggenheim. I know what you're thinking... "Herb Guggenheim, what a sweet porn name." (could be made sweeter if it were Herb Huge-enheim) I thought the same thing. That is, of course, until I saw his picture. This guy couldn't pass for a pornstar if his name were Herpes Von Monstercock, not even a gay one. Without further ado...

Suuuuuuuey. Suuuuuu-Suuuuu-Suuuuuey! Damn that's a face made for radio.

Turns out they're actually a pretty active group. They go to shooting ranges, comedy clubs, drinking, etc. The catch is that you gotta hang out with droves of people looking like ol' Herbie up there. But hell, this is the Quest Series, and I'm setting a precedent. If I'm doing this thing, I'm doing it balls to the wall. Until next time...

-Carm

The Ganja Queen

So by now everyone has seen the documentary The Ganja Queen about Australian Schapelle Corby who was caught trying to smuggle 4.2 kg (about 9 lbs.) of pot stored in her boogie board bag into Bali. Long story short she got 20 years in a Indonesian prison, the trial was crazy, yada, yada, yada, see the movie. Bottom line is... she's a smoke show. I mean what do you have to do to get a conjugal in a Balinese prison?

The fact of the matter is this girl is guilty as sin. Maybe she shouldn't be sentenced to 20 years in an Indonesian prison, but this bitch knew what was going on. From my extensive internet research of the situation I have been able to find out the real deal of what went down. Recently this guy Malcolm McCauley who just served 15 months in prison came out and revealed what really happened. He said that he had been selling pot to Corby's father since 2000, and that her father and delinquent brothers had been smuggling it into Bali for years. They would pack a shit load in a bag with $1,000 US as a bribe for the Indonesian custom officials, and the officials would just take the money and waive the bag through. Sometimes the bags wouldn't get checked, and they would make out with the pot and the money.

Apparently on the trip where she got arrested her douche brother James Kasina had already taken the $1,000. Who knows why? Maybe he owed someone money, or maybe he just thought they would get away with it scott free, but he got her fucked. Although McCauley says that Schapelle had never been part of the plan before, he admits that she knew about the whole operation. So when the customs official asked whose bag it was, and it was her bag, she took it from her brother and opened it up for the official thinking that the money would be there and they would be all good. Instead there was just a huge bag of stinky weed and she was about to enter a world of trouble. McCauley even went to Bali a week after Schapelle was arrested to speak with her and make sure that he was in the clear. Eventually photos of the two during that visit were found when McCauley's house was raided and he was busted for drugs in an unrelated case. So basically this chick is just a soldier. She is doing her time like any self respecting member of the drug community should, and I applaud her for that.

Luckily Schapelle didn't get the death penalty by a firing squad, which is the maximum penalty for this offense, because that would be a waste of some nice Australian ass. But to be honest i don't feel that bad for her. It was a stupid move by her. If your running drugs to a foreign country that has some serious penalties for drug offenses you need to stick to the fucking plan. Don't take the situation into your own hands unless you know the operation inside and out, which she obviously did not. And what a shitty plan to begin with. Yeah it had been working for years, and I know people say try not to make things too complicated, but you at least have to have an inside man. I'm not condoning drug trafficing or the use of drugs, but its marijuana. Come on! 20 years for pot, that sucks! I think the world needs to go in either 2 directions. Legalize everything, or at least pot and cocaine, and let the paramedics sort it out, or make take a strong stance and really give everyone who gets caught with drugs a boot in the ass. As long as we keep booze everything will be fine, but that is a discussion for another post. Peace.

- Carl

Yo-Yo Ma

After seeing the Yo-Yo World Championships on TV yesterday I decided its time to invest. From what I remember from my youth, Duncan was the company to go with. More research will tell if that’s still the case.

I imagine chicks dig a guy who can handle a yo-yo, though that is an unfounded claim at this point. I suppose, we shall see.

In the meantime, check out this guy’s skillz.

-Kobes

Adventures in Nostalgia #2: Toejam & Earl

For those of you lucky enough to have ever owned a SEGA Genesis, you probably remember speeding through green valleys dodging and/or murdering robotic animals as a lovable hedgehog named Sonic, or the NHLPA hockey series. I won't fault you for that. These images are not the first images that come to mind for me when I think of Genesis. No, my first images are two pimp ass motherfuckers from the planet Funkotron. I'm talkin' bout Toejam & Earl...



Above is the opening sequence to Toejam & Earl, and it sets the backstory to one of the most ridiculous videogame plots of all time. In summation, the duo crash-land their spaceship on Earth, where it breaks into ten pieces. The object of the game is to collect all ten pieces and get the fuck back to Funkotron. Simple enough right? Wrong.

I have to admit, I don't really know where to begin in my quest to explain the drug-induced outlook on the planet Earth depicted in TJ & E. Let's begin where the game begins, on level 1. Level 1 starts you off on an island of some sort, with another smaller island off to the right. Again, nothing too trippy yet... if you neglect the brightly wrapped presents strewn about. I remember being 6 years old and thinking "holy shit! presents! wait... how the fuck did all these presents get here?" Before my mind exploded, something else caught my eye; a bright-orange elevator in the middle of the island. Any logical child would assume that the elevator went down into the Earth (this is Earth after all), but TJ & E decided to fuck with our heads even more by having the elevator disappear and travel through an alternate dimension that is the epitome of a LSD wet dream. All of these dimensions are different patterns of bright colors like the one below.

If your mind hasn't quite wrapped around the idea of the presents, hang tight, I swear I'll get back to them. I can't leave TJ & E hangin' in the elevator though. At last! We arrive at Level 2. Phew, no more funny business, until you realize that you are on an island again... that is seemingly in the middle of fucking outerspace. Apparently we didn't know much about the Earth in 1991.

This pattern of elevators and orbitting islands continues throughout the rest of the game. There are some other details I have to mention as they rival every other part of this game in ridiculousness. One is pretty simple, quicksand. As you get to the later levels, it seems that just about all the land is riddled with quicksand. How the hell is that simple? Well, its probably the only thing about this game one could possibly imagine without the help of mind-altering drugs. Another part of the levels are the somewhat unreachable parts of each level. Unreachable until you figure out that standing near the edge of some floating isles make land-bridges appear. I swear my grandfather had a heart-attack when he was watching me play and a land-bridge appeared out of nowhere to the tune of an unimaginably annoying rippling sound.

There are two other attributes of the Toejam and Earl universe that one can't fail to mention; the earthlings, and the presents. The former being the most absurd thing anyone has ever thought up. I'll save the best for last though and discuss the presents. Presents in Toejam and Earl are basically a grab bag of weapons, food, helpful items, and items that still to this day scare the bejesus out of me. Here are a short run-down of the nuttiest presents (excluding money, good and bad food, extra life):

• Super Hi-tops: Provides a burst of speed for a finite amount of time. Solid. Not too crazy.
• Boombox: makes all the enemies stop to dance. (I'm starting to piece together a racist theory here)
• Doorway: a magic doorway that apparently is a common item on Earth. It transports you to a random spot on the map
• Icarus Wings: you can fucking fly.
• Rain Cloud: a cloud appears above your head and lightning strikes you intermittently until you cease to live.
• Rocket Skates: another common Earth item. I have 5 pairs myself.
• Rosebushes: we've all at one time or another been given the temporary power to make a rosebush grow out of nowhere.
• Tomatoes: a technologically advanced alien's best conceivable weapon.
• Total Bummer!: probably the biggest understatement in video game history. Kills you dead right on the spot. DO NOT OPEN ANY PRESENTS FROM THE TALIBAN!

These presents along with others actually come in really handy at times when your typical Earthlings are really grindin' your gears. Did I mention when I say typical Earthlings I mean the likes of invisible boogeymen and Santa Claus?

Ahhh the Earthlings, if Toejam and Earl were a giant asylum. The Earthlings would be the inmate who is constantly shitting in his hand and smearing it everywhere; that's how messed up these Earthlings are. Let's start off with some of your more absurd allies:

• Wiseman: If I were new to a planet. I wouldn't begin to think that a man walking around in a carrot suit were the smartest guy on the block. I'd be wrong. He can identify what's in your present boxes if you throw him some dough.
• Dancing Hawaiian chick: Not really an ally. You wind up falling head over heels in love with them and becoming totally incapacitated.
• Santa Fucking Claus: If it weren't trippy enough that Santa Claus is hangin' on these space islands... startle him and he flies away in a jetpack.

While the allies are dreamt up from the wackiest of imaginations, your enemies certainly take the cake; highlighted by:

• Insane Dentist: probably inspired Heath Ledger's Oscar-worthy performance as the Joker.
• A giant hamster chasing you in a ball: no explanation necessary.
• A pack of nerds complete with pocket protectors.
• Mailbox monster: not to be confused with a regular mailbox...dear God don't confuse them with a regular mailbox.
• Chickens with tomato firing mortars
• Inivisible Boogey Man
• Satan
• An ice cream truck that has the ability to disappear and reappear and is blazing fast (easily the most devastating)

If you have made it through this blog so far. There is no doubt that you're chomping at the bits, probably preparing to download this game, light up a doobie, and anticipating a very fulfilling experience. If this is the case you are in for a very pleasant, very funkifying surprise... the music. This game has one of the top soundtracks in video game history. The basslines are phenomenal and truly never get old. For evidence of this, watch the video below, with the speakers on your computers blaring (everyone within earshot will thank you later).

Enjoy!

Don't Worry... Hot Chicks

I know that the few people who read this blog have been scared shitless to close their eyes the last few days because of the horrifying nature of the most recent post. Don't worry, I am here to salvage what small part of your soul that wasn't destroyed by watching the freak videos. I will introduce you to the cause and cure to all life's problems... Hot chicks.

This is Meagan Good. She is a 26 year old actress who has appeared in many things including House Party 3, Waist Deep (not a porno), and The Love Guru. She is straight up gorgeous. You can't teach sex appeal like this. How does she walk down the street without every guy humping her like Jack Russel Terriers? I mean I'm basically obsessed. If I could find naked pictures of this girl she would be like my number 1 beat-offer-to.

Susie Feldman. Wait a minute, you mean like Corey Feldman? Yeah unfortunately I do. If you don't remember who Corey Feldman is don't worry about it, I don't exactly either. All I remember is he is one of those 80's douche bags that was in Lost Boys. I'm not sure if its the really cracked out one, or if its the one who was also in Goonies. Needless to say, this chick obviously has some baggage if she is married to one of those tools. This is the kind of crap that really pisses me off. Some little smart mouthed bitch 5 year old gets his 15 minutes of fame 20 years ago, ruins his career with rampant drug use, and is now a career fuck up with a smoking hot wife. I just don't get it. Ladies, do you have an answer? If you do speak up. Maybe this guy has a huge donkey dick or something, but I didn't see him on the Freak post, so I doubt it. Anyways, I love what this chick is working with.

This is Joanna Krupa. She is a Polish-American model. This just isn't fair for all the women out there. There is absolutely no chance that any girl that will ever read this blog is as hot as Joanna Krupa. If you read this and think that's a false statement, than feel free to email a few pictures of yourself to hittingtheflow@yahoo.com, and my colleagues and I will be he judge. Ladies don't feel offended, this isn't fair to us men either. Just once I would like to fuck a girl this hot, just once, but it will never happen.


Danielle Lloyd. Hot name, hot tits, hot everything. She was Miss England 2004, and now she does the reality TV circuit in the U.K. Oh man this chick is hot, shes young (24) and you know she shags like a minx because she is from England. Celebrities in England do even less than Celebrities in the States. All they do is go on vacations to sweet beaches and take off their tops. The one thing that I do respect about England is that everyone hates to work and they just drink their faces off and watch soccer. If your from England than you have to love to drink beer. There is nothing else to do there because the weather and the food are so shitty. Anyways, I want to be in her.

So there are few beauties to get your minds of the Freaks, Peace.

- Carl

Mondo Freaks!

Some serious mondo freaks:















Add as you see fit.

-KanO and DanO

Study: Bats and Humans Have Similar Interests

"I Had a Bat in My Bra!"

I could probably write the most brilliant piece of journalism in the world right now and the only thing you would take home from it would be what I am about to say: this chick is a 19 year old with 34FF yabbos!

She also doesn't seem to be too bright because that bat was reportedly just chillin' with her sweat hogs for approximately 5 HOURS! I don't know about you, but after reading a number of articles in regards to this event, I'm pretty certain the girl is a vampiropheliac (gets off to bats). This bat, which was apparently the size of a human hand, had to have been placed there intentionally by Miss Hawkins herself. There is no way a girl, whose supple breasts were already spilling out of her bra, would not notice if i just stuck my fist and jammed it in there with them, and my fist doesn't have fucking fangs (the better to bite off your nips with). When asked suspiciously as to why she didn't do anything about it during the first 5 hours, her excuse was that she thought it was her cell phone vibrating. All well and good, she didn't think it was a bat, but this lame-ass excuse, if true, just solidifies the fact that this chick is a nympho. What kind of a girl stores her cell phone in her bra routinely enough to not find it out of the ordinary? And furthermore, what kind of girl, whose phone is being kept in her bra, doesn't answer it when it vibrates, presumably from the sheer pleasure? I'll tell you what kind of girl... my kind.

After a punch line like the one above, most sensible comedians would end their act on a high note. I however am neither sensible nor a comedian so this show must go on. Let's just assume for the moment that the truth is that this girl really did not notice a fist-sized bat in her bra. To me, this puts to rest the already absurd argument that a girl's jugs are even close to as sensitive as a guy's nuts. There is no way if something the size of a grain of rice were in my underwear, rubbin' up on my sac, I wouldn't panic. If it were the size of a hand, I would panic (depending on how feminine the hand was to the touch). If it were the size of a hand, and had teeth, and claws and could fucking fly, I would only anger it further by soiling it involuntarily. Next time you punch a girl in the tits (by accident or on purpose) and she attempts to get even with you by inflicting pain on your balls, cite this article.

-Carm

Bananas Galore, Necky's Nuts, and Giant Crocs: My Childhood Experience with Donkey Kong Country

I'm not gonna lie, Kobel's dose of nostalgia completely missed the mark with me. Fucked if I remember Mousetrap. By the sounds of it, my childhood was all the better for it. When it came to toys and games, my progression was a simple one. First, it was Lincoln Logs and action figures, most of which were from TMNT (if you don't know this acronym, well, you best have a vagina). Eventually those got old, and I moved on to Legos. Sweet. Then, around the tender age of 6 or 7, I played my first video game, and that, as they say, was that.

Now I will inevitably dedicate one, if not many, future blogs to the subject of video games, but today I'd like to focus on just one in particular: Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo. Sure, it wasn't the greatest game, and not quite so retro as to be truly the subject of nostalgia, but you must understand, I have a special attachment to DKC. For you see, according to Nintendo Power magazine--the definitive source on all things Nintendo back in the day--I am one of the elite few to be labeled one of the greatest Donkey Kong Country players of all time. Eat your fucking heart out.

Donkey Kong Country was a sweet game. Classic side-scrolling action at its best. On a scale of 1-10, the graphics at the time would have ranked a fucking awesome. We're talking pants-creamingly good. It was a fun--if not too difficult--game. So I was pumped when I read in Nintendo Power that they were having a contest to see who could beat the game, finding all the secrets, in the fastest time. I was all over this shit.

Now, the first thing you had to know about this game was that its namesake, Donkey Kong, well, kinda sucked balls. Sure he's loveable, but when you're going for the gold, there's only one trait you care about, and that is whether this primate is capable of kicking ass and taking names. While other chimps out there are ripping off testicles, chewing off noses, and learning how to manipulate firearms (see Carl's blog below), DK's arsenal consisted of little more than trolling around at a snail's pace, and as if that weren't bad enough, his special attack was a forward roll. Needless to say, it sucked dick. Big, hairy, simian dick.

On the other hand, his little pal Diddy Kong was straight ballin'. While nowhere near as strong as DK, this little guy was infinitely faster, making him capable of wreaking infinitely more havoc. His main move was a cartwheel, which fruity as it may sound, was pretty badass. The best part was how he could do a cartwheel into midair, and then jump--while in midair--making it possible to reach areas you would otherwise have no chance at. This was the key to unlocking many of the game's secrets and vital to my mission. As a kid of just nine years, this move came about as close to inducing my first boner as anything. That's the funny thing about being a kid--present 9 yr. old me a girl with big ol' titties and a round ass? Thanks, but no thanks. Present me a monkey named Diddy that wore a shirt and a cap and could transition from a cartwheel to a jump in mid-air? Fuck yeah. Although I must admit, Candy Kong was a fine piece of ass. Shorty be looking fine:



Like I said, the game wasn't too hard. You basically just had to run through these levels finding the secret rooms, while killing the occasional enemy, which usually meant just jumping on them. Most of the enemies and levels were pretty forgettable, although one level entitled "Necky's Nuts," which features a vulture trying to bust a (coco)nut on your head, is one that I am able to enjoy on a whole new level as a mature adult.

The game, though, did have a few things that were pretty tricky. For instance, as I mentioned, I needed to find all of the secret rooms--not for the one-ups and shit that often lay inside, but because doing so counted towards my final score, and I needed a perfect one. Most were straightforward, just throw a barrel at a suspicious looking wall and there you go. But there was this one secret room that was damn near impossible to find. First, you had to get into a secret room (not the one in discussion) by throwing a barrel at a wall. So you go in and there's this roulette-like game where you can time it so that you get whatever prize you want. The options were something like: a one-up, a two-up (nut nut nut), ten bananas (100 bananas = 1 life), or 1 lousy banana. Much like in a prison shower, receiving a banana was the last thing you wanted in DKC. It was easy enough to avoid, too, so you probably would never get it. Here's the kicker though: in order to get into the second room, you HAD to get it. Once you did, a barrel would appear out of thin air, and you would throw that at another wall, which would lead to ANOTHER secret room. This was unprecedented. I mean, what sadistic fucks. You're telling me some ten year old is supposed to have the foresight to look for a secret room, INSIDE a secret room? What fuckers.

So then you finally beat the game 100% (according to the game's tally), and you think you're the shit. Wrong, pal. You see, the game actually goes to 101%. Combine this with that secret in a secret bullshit, and we're talking legions of kids who never knew that they had, in fact, failed in their quest to be just like me--a fucking DKC master.

But me and Diddy knew better. Blazing through the game at a maddening pace, I managed to reach 101% in a mere 1:14. Give me the fucking gold, I thought. But not just yet. One of the biggest pains in the asses was getting evidence of the achievement. To do so, you had to submit a picture of the end of game screen showing your time/score, but the picture also had to include the Super Nintendo as well. This was to ensure that you weren't using something like Game Genie (which plugged into the Super Nintendo) to cheat. Nintendo Power demanding to see the system would be like if R. Kelly was showing his boys a sex tape of him pissing on some girl, only his dick wasn't showing, and then his buddies being like "wait a second... how do we know that's really you showerin' on that broad?" I mean, give me a break. This really sucked for me because my Super Nintendo was nowhere close to my TV, and due to the weak ass setup of my bedroom, it was damn near an effort in futility. But I was going to be damned if all the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested into those two days of my life were going to go to waste, and I made do.

Eagerly I awaited for months before the issue came out announcing the results. In glorious anticipation I flipped furiously through the pages, waiting to see my name in big bold letters with the words "THE MAN" slapped next to them. Alas, this was not to be the case. Some bastard had the audacity to clock an incredible 1:08, knocking my ass down into a shameful second place. It's okay though, I'm sure he never gets laid. I mean, who comes in first in a video game contest in a video game magazine? Homo.

-DanO

Teen Gets 8 Years For Giving Toddler Pot

This guy took being the 'cool uncle' way too far.

This guy is now going to jail for 8 years!!! 8 years of his life in exchange for a few laughs while he and his buddy were stoned.

That, my friends, blows.

Of course, the reason he was caught in the first place was because the cops were at his house investigating a robbery he was suspected in, so odds are he was ending up in jail anyway.

Now, here’s the kicker. I searched YouTube in the hopes of finding a video of the incident. I came up empty, but to my surprise there was ANOTHER video of two teenagers getting a toddler to smoke weed.



Just business as usual at the trailer park, I suppose. You talk about a shitty way of getting caught: the dude sells his camcorder to a pawn shop a year later and forgets to delete the footage. Ouch...

-Kobes

A Yankees Fan's Take on: The Rivalry

I hate to say I told you so... but I did say it. In 2004, the worst thing that can or will ever happen to a sports fan happened to me. Of course we all know that I am talking about the Red Sox coming back from down 3-0 to defeat the Yankees in the ALCS. This was also the last time I ever experienced the emotion known as anger. I have not been angry since because I have not been able to. In South Park, Cartman once blew a funny fuse, claiming that seeing people with asses for faces were the funniest thing he was ever going to see, and therefore could not laugh. The 2004 ALCS was the most enfuriating thing I will ever experience and therefore I cannot express rage. Getting back to the first line of the blog and what I had predicted; at one point during that series after I had destroyed my room and threw around my couch like it was a shot-put, I went into my dorm's common room, amidst the droves of "Red Sox fans" (I put Red Sox fans in quotes because it was mostly bandwagon jumpers, fairweather fans, or Mets fans. After all, rooting for the Red Sox and against the Yankees was the trendy thing to do at the time and I apparently had been associating with sheep rather than free-thinking independent individuals) and said "just wait... if the Red Sox win this thing, their fans will be much worse than Yankees fans could ever be. The Red Sox winning this would be a terrible terrible thing. most of you will hate them within 2 years." Low and behold, the Red Sox gaytion (see what I did there?) has swept the nation and infested every visiting city far worse than Yankees fans ever will. Alleged Red Sox fans have been coming out of the woodwork. There can only be two possible causes to this sudden outbreak of Red Sox nation:

1) People who didn't really follow baseball, who may have either been from New England or know a person or animal or have ever been to New England, suddenly became a diehard Red Sox fan because they were finally good.

2) Hypnosis. Its simple really, you're a baseball fan in Flint, MI but not really particularly loyola to any team. Despite Flint being particularly close to Detroit, where the Tigers play, you walk into a local convenience store, and see a display of Red Sox hats and keychains. Wait a minute, you think, I must be supposed to like them. I'm nowhere near Boston, yet there's a ton of Boston merchandise here, it must be a sign from God. Not once does this fan begin to think it might be Satan who is behind this charade. Whatever dark force is behind this attempt to capture the mind's of unsuspecting passers-by, recently tried to brainwash me, IN NEW YORK OF ALL PLACES! I was strolling around the grocery store, in the produce section, when I see a display of Boston Red Sox peanuts. Naturally, I was baffled. It wasn't until about 30 seconds later that I realized that there were not any Yankees peanuts. The store hadn't bothered. Such is life though.

I am writing this entry because the Yankees and Red Sox are beginning a 3-game series at Fenway tonight, and with one hell of a pitching matchup at that: Joba Chamberlain vs. Josh Beckett. The season series at this moment is 5-4 Red Sox. I expect this series to be very memorable and hopefully ignite a shift in the balance of power in favor of the Yankees.

I also would like to take this opportunity to urde those of you who might comment on this blog that I understand that this is a very biased opinion, one that only a Yankees fan would share. It is simply a look into my world as Yankees fan since that horrible week in 2004 when my sports world was turned upside down. Thanks for listening...

-Carm

P.S. Beating New England in the Super Bowl and spoiling their perfect season has managed to soothe a good amount of the pain.

The Flow's Adventures in Nostalgia #1: Mousetrap

I’m sure everyone remembers this sucka from the early 90’s.

To be perfectly honest I don’t remember how you play, all I remember is being letdown time and time again by this monstrosity.

Setting up the actual Mousetrap took a good ten minutes, though I admit, it is an impressive sight to behold once you’re done. I guarantee they had a lot of fun thinking this thing up.

Anyway, when I played this I was about 5-years-old so, as I mentioned, the specific rules are a bit fuzzy. However, I do know that once you reached the end it took an obnoxiously long time to finally finish. It seemed like no matter how far in the lead you were the game inevitably ended with all players having a shot at winning. Of course, I used to play with my older cousins so God knows if they were being legit with the rules since I was to dumb to know otherwise.

So after what seems like an eternity you finally get to release the Mousetrap which is what you’ve been waiting for all game. And here comes the disappointment. Did you notice in the commercial when the creepy looking cartoon cat sings “knock the marble right down the shoot. Now watch it roll, hit the pole, and knock the man in the rub-a-dub-tub?” My ass! Without fail every single freaking time I played that part would never work correctly. Maybe my game was defective or maybe it wasn’t aligned correctly. I don’t know what it was, but I do know that we would manually have to get the diver to perform the most spastic dive known to man… Thornton Melon he ain’t.

As far as board games go, Mousetrap was all hype and as anticlimactic as it got. Though if nothing else, while searching for the Mousetrap commercial I found the following video which almost makes all those wasted hours worth it…



-Kobes

Chimp Tries to Make a Run for It

Chimp in Daring Zoo Break-Out

ICHIRO! July 23rd - At the Ishikawa Zoo in western Japan a 42 year old chimpanzee named Ichiro valiantly tried to escape from captivity. He was almost successful, as the video shows, but eventually his captors were able to lure him with a banana and tranquilize him. Chimps are no joke, believe you me. I don't know this from experience or biological statistics, but I heard they are like 12X stronger then humans. I read this one story (in the Washington Post) about two years ago about a couple who rescued a female baby chimp and raised it in their home. Eventually after like 15 years the chimp got too aggressive, and needed a real habitat to live in, so the couple gave the chimp to a wildlife refuge that had other full grown chimpanzees. The couple kept in touch with the chimp and went for occasional visits. A year went by and the couple goes to celebrate the chimps birthday. They have a cake and balloons, the whole bit. They even got to go to a secure area of the refuge where they could have a picnic and play with their chimp. Unknowns to them, two full grown male chimps had escaped from their cages on the other side of the refuge. So all of a sudden these two huge chimps show up and start to freak out when they see the humans. The female chimp grabs the women and throws her under a table and tries to protect her. Meanwhile, the male chimps are literally ripping the man limb from limb. First they ripped of his testicles, then they tore the muscle right of the bone of his ass and chest. Obviously the man died, but the female chimp fought back to protect the woman, and lost her life doing so. The grounds keepers got there just in time to shoot the chimps and save the woman. Crazy huh? Its great that the female chimp tried to save her human parents, but this is why you don't fuck with animals. So its no surprise to see that little Japanese guy freak out once the chimp grabs his gun. You can see it in his face as he peers over that ledge that he knows hes in way over his head. I wish Ichiro could've handled that gun and blown those guys away. If chimps have almost the same life expectancy as humans, and can learn sign language and shit, you know they can handle a weapon. Everyone knows how to shoot a gun, and he has probably seen a gun be used hundreds of times. Personally I'm disappointed. I'm sure hes regretting that delicious banana now.

- Carl

P.S. This is the story. Not Exactly how I remembered it, but whatever.

The Flow Review of "Giant: Road to the Super Bowl" by Plaxico Burress

Here are some thoughts on Plaxico Burress’ new book “Giant: The Road to the Super Bowl".

- It should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever heard Plax talk that he did not write the book himself. It was ghost written by Jason Cole who acknowledges at the end that he interviewed Burress for hours on end and then produced the book. No big deal since this is usually the case with celebrity biographies.

- Similar to Strahan’s book, which was ghost-written by Jay Glazer, Cole goes out of his way to make the words sound as if they are coming out of Plax’s mouth verbatim. He did a pretty good job based on the number of times he wrote “so then I was like to the guy ‘how you gonna play me like that’” or “that’s just how it was in my neighborhood, you got your ass beat for shit like that.” Overall, I found the tone to be pretty good and preferred the authentic nature of them.

- Other than the dialogue, it’s much different than Strahan’s book. Burress biography reads as a straight biography, documenting his life from childhood, to college, to the pros. It follows this order and then throws in chapters on specific people like his mother, Eli, Shockey and Coughlin. In contrast, Strahan’s book was more about taking you inside life in the NFL where he talks about rookie hazing, the injuries, trash-talking, getting tickets on the road and what its like to play on Sunday.

- It was amazing to read about how much Burress went through last year to play. The ankle injury he got in Week 2 took the ligament off the bone. Then when he slipped in the shower before the Super Bowl he said he could barely walk and had a shoulder injury on top of this. It’s no wonder we Giant fans love the guy so much.

Overall, it was a very good read that I went through in about 4 days on the train. I wish I could have heard more about life in the NFL like in Strahan’s book, but the parts Plax included about his childhood in the mean streets of Virginia made up for this. The stuff about the Super Bowl was amazing as he described how after the Patriots took the lead they started inviting the Giants to their after-party. He also has a nice write-up on how the miracle catch couldn’t have happened to a better person than David Tyree.

Overall: Highly recommended if you’re a Giants fan. Recommended if you’re a football fan.

Here are some tidbits from the book:

- Plax kills his old Michigan State head coach Nick Saban for losing his temper with players in public settings. He said for this reason Saban will never be a successful NFL coach.

- Bill Cowher on the other hand looks like a million bucks. He is described as a straight-shooter who expects the same in return.

- Coughlin doesn’t get nearly as much love as he did in Strahan’s book. “He has rules and you need to follow them,” were Plax’s main sentiments.

- A part I found funny was Burress describing how he got ready before the NFC Championship in Green Bay. Remember in Cool Runnings when the Jamaicans get to Canada and Sanka runs inside and puts on every article of clothing he has? It was pretty much like that.

- Plax loves Eli and talks a lot about what a prankster he is. He said one time Eli painted the O-line’s shoes hot purple. Another time he wiped his bare ass on Plax’s face towel which Plax used 5 minutes later.

- Burress goes on for a few pages about how so many players have kids that they pay child support for. This leads to a classic line in the book where he says “I know this one guy who has so many kids that after he pays child support he is only making $80,000-$90,000 a week. It’s killing him.”

Wow…

-Kobes

A Disturbing New Trend

I received an email today that contained this picture:


I was both shocked and terrified. However this picture got me wondering if this was the next great congratulatory movement in sports. Think about the first guy that ever got a firm palm on his ass after hitting a home run. I bet he knocked the slapper out. However, many more questionable characters in various league dugouts figured this was their only chance to get some hand to ass time and before we knew it, the ass slap was expected as payment for a good play. While these two fine gentlemen did not start this trend… (Credit Brady Quinn)


They were the first to implement this move into an actual game setting. Before these two bold gentlemen showed their affection in public, a move like this was just used in practice, or South Bend social settings.

Regardless, we may be witnessing the dawning of a new era in sports. One in which grabbing a guys ass just doesn’t quite tell him how pumped up you are. No, pretty soon if you really want to show him you are a good teammate you grab his cock.

Enough! I mean, how far does this go? In 2020 are we going to see players getting blown after a diving catch? This isn’t the California PENAL league. Slap your teammate on the ass, and wait until you get in the locker room to grab shaft.

-Reed

NFC Preview: Giants amongst 'Boys

The 2008 NFL Season is a mere 6 weeks away, and I for one am getting tired of waiting. It should come as no surprise that I have been spending my spare time (100% of my time) developing a season preview. The Giants finished last year on a 10 game road-winning streak (11 if you count the Super Bowl) en route to a miraculous Super Bowl victory. Entering this season, the media have very little expectations of the Giants, probably less than any Super Bowl Champion in recent memory, besides the Steelers after Big Ben's motorcycle accident. Will the Giants experience a hangover of sorts and fold to the highly touted Cowboys? Read on.

The Flow's Official 2008 NFC Preview:

NFC East

1. Giants

The Giants come into the season with a lot of questions. Fortunately for them every question starts with "How are they gonna replace..." I don't think personnel will cause any problems with the Giants and I can assure you that GM Jerry Reese and Coach Tom Coughlin are not concerned at all. They showed during their run last year that they are a very deep and resilient team, and I don't expect them to come into the season flat as was the case last year. Throw in the added benefit of a relatively easy non-division schedule, and I expect this team to finish 11-5 or 12-4.

2. Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys and the national media would be mortified if the Cowboys do not finish in 1st place this season and obtain home-field advantage. They also have a relatively easy non-division schedule, and I fully expect the Cowboys to be neck-and-neck with the Giants in the standings the entire season. The Cowboys are team (it might be wishful thinking) that can be extremely vulnerable to an injury at any one of several key positions. I don't see them as a deep team by any means. Tony Romo has shown that he can compile stats during the regular season, and orchestrate impressive drives while doing so, but when push comes to shove, he has folded. I see 11 or 12 wins for the 'Boys as well.

3. Redskins

The key to the Redskins season is how much the team buys into Zorn's new system. Jason Campbell showed promise early on last year, and Todd Collins led the team to the playoffs after Campbell succumbed to injury. The starting job is Campbell's this year and the offense will go as he goes. His level of play will dictate whether the Redskins are a 6-win team or a 10-win team. I think they'll finish somewhere in between. Let's say 9-7.

4. Eagles

The Eagles are getting a lot of buzz this year to be the dark horse in the NFC. Let me put that notion to rest using nonviolent resistance. Over the past decade, the Eagles experienced great success in making it to 4 straight NFC title games, and then experienced a fall from grace. This has been directly related to Donovan McNabb's level of play/health. I don't think anyone expects Donovan McNabb to be anything but a shell of his former self. I think Harvey Dent said it best when he opined "you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." That certainly is true with sports heroes in Philadelphia. The first bad game Donovan McNabb has, he'll be run out of town. Then what? That leaves Brian Westbrook as the sole offensive threat. I'm also not under the same spell most of the country is under that Asante Samuel is going to transform the Eagles defense into a powerhouse. The Eagles don't make it to 6 wins.

NFC North

1. Vikings

I'm not sippin' the Vikings Kool-Aid as much as Joe Sportswriter, but I do pick them to win their division, if for nothing else but the lack of talented NFC North teams. The addition of Jared Allen on defense has been a little overhyped and I think it is a move the Vikings will regret in the long run. I don't remember the correct writer to cite but there was an article on how Jared Allen brings a clash of styles to the Vikings defense. I don't expect him to be the type of impact player he was on the Chiefs. The way they run, and the way they stop the run should make the Vikings at least a 9 win team. I'll say 10.

2. Packers

I have tried not to mention Brett Favre in this article, but how can I not when talking about the Packers. I really feel for the Green Bay fans, although my condolences mean the same as the previous 17 years of Favre's career will should he keep up this nonsense: nothing. What Favre is doing to those thousands upon thousands who idolized him is akin to if Allah appeared before all the worshipping Muslims and says that he wants to be traded to Christianity. Despite this drama, the Packers should still be a middle-of-the-pack team due in large part to their solid defense. Look for the Pakcers to finish at around 8-8.

3. Bears

Lovie Smith strikes me as some sort of priest or pastor who keeps telling his parishioners to "Have faith in your quarterback (Orton/Grossman/whoever), for he will lead us to the Promised Land." In the end, it's like any religion, not so much faith, with a whole lotta prayin'. They need to go after a playmaking, efficient qb, or at least acknowledge that Sexy Rexy and Vile Kyle ain't their saviors. Good defense, but no offense. 6 wins, 7 tops.

4. Lions

Last year the Lions were the surprise team of the first-half in all the NFL. The second-half wasn't so surprising. After starting the season 6-2, they finished 8-8. Which is still twice as many wins as anyone expected them to have. The lone bright spot on this team should be the continued improvement of Calvin Johnson. It's amazing that the Lions keep drafting these wideouts, and then immediately shift thier personnel focus to defense (evidence of said focus nonexistent) without ever imagining that they might need to surround these skilled receivers with a quarterback and a running game. The Detroit Lions are a bad team and a bad franchise. They'll be back to their losing ways this year at 4-12.

NFC South

1. Saints

This has less to do with the Shockey trade, and more to do with my belief that last season was a fluke. With the return of Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush should be more free to do what he does best. Shockey should certainly impact this offense for the better, giving Brees yet another option. This Saints defense has never impressed but I expect it to make some improvement keyed by the addition of Jonathan Vilma and rookie Sedrick Ellis. Combine these factors with a schedule that is laughably easy, and the Saints should be looking at a 12 or 13 win season. How did they get such an easy schedule one might ask? Its clear they had a mole working for them.

2. Buccaneers

When conducting research in preparation for this preview, the Bucs were easily the most intriguing NFC team. I want to believe that last season's division title was a result of a weak division and overachievement, but the more I look at this team, the better they get. They should look to use a triumverate of running backs in Cadillac Williams, Ernest Graham, and the returning Warrick Dunn. Jon Gruden is one of the few coaches in the NFL I trust to use his players well and it should be interesting to see him use these 3 rushers. Jeff Garcia has always proved to be a capable QB and a proverbial thorn in my side. The Bucs may well be one of the deepest teams in the NFL. Combine this with a defense that is always solid, and the Bucs are starting to look like a 10-win wild-card team.

3. Panthers

With the exception of Mike Nolan and Lane Kiffin, John Fox has the least job security right now as far as head coaches go in the NFL. The Panthers have been underachievers ever since their Super Bowl loss to the New England Patriots following the 2003 season. Despite the depth in their running game, and the continued improvement by Steve Smith, I expect this team to falter. John Fox has the reputation of a defensive mastermind, but the Panthers defense has been less effective each season since their NFC championship season. I think the Panthers are a 7-win team.

4. Falcons

Poor Art Blank. Michael Vick was once his dream player. Now its a stretch for Mr. Blank to dream of Vick working for him at Home Depot (Blank owns Home Depot... necessary info for that joke to land). Couple that with the sudden departure of Bobby Petrino, and you got yourself some serious scorn. The only things to watch for in Atlanta is the play of new additions Michael Turner and rookie Matt Ryan who can probably afford to buy the team. This team has probably given up on competing for the next 3 years. I can guarantee that of all the scouting departments in the NFL, the Falcons have the busiest. They are a shoe-in for a top-2 pick in the 2009 NFL draft. I can see the Falcons winning 2 games.

NFC West

1. Seahawks (sigh)

For years, I have been waiting for someone to steal this division from Seattle. Years have passed, 4 for those who are scoring at home, and no one has been able to dethrone them. Unfortunately for the millions who annually pick the Cardinals to be a sleeper powerhouse, this ain't that magic year. The Seahawks obviously have lost a lot in Shaun Alexander, but I can reason that they have actually upgraded at the running back position. The "Swawks" managed to take this division last year while Shaun Alexander was rendered ineffective. There is no reason to think a healthy Julius Jones isn't better than Alexander at 40% and Maurice Morris at 140%. Not too many changes elsewhere with the Seahawks. Their defense continues to get better, Holmgren continues to eat, and Qwest Field continues to pump illegal crowd noise. Oh, and the Seahawks continue their dominance over the NFC West with a 10-6 season.

2. Cardinals

The Cardinals are another one of those teams that could be a much different story if someone decided to step up at QB. I am willing to risk my reputation by asserting that this ain't that year. Kurt Warner is a good quarterback but the Cardinals clearly do not want him starting or else he would be. Leinart has been very inefficient and looks like he gets rattled very easily. The poor passer performance (say that 5 times fast) is even more pathetic considering that the Cardinals easily have the best 1-2 punch at wide receiver. If someone steps up, this could be a dangerous offense, and my reputation will be thoroughly soiled. I give the Cards 8 wins, maybe 9.

3. Rams

The Rams 3-13 2007 season was not indicative of the talent the team has. Should Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger stay healthy season-long, the Rams could be a dark horse to contend for a playoff spot. Based on recent history, that is a big "if." I think the Rams probably made the worst pick in the 1st round of the draft in selecting Chris Long. The defense should probably improve upon last year's dreadful performance with or without Long. I expect the injuries to come, and Scott Linehan to be a scapegoat. Barring a clean bill of health, I'll say the Rams will probably only amount 6 wins.

4. 49ers

Last, and thanks to the Falcons, not least. I have grown to like Mike Nolan's sense of style, which is why I will miss him when he is fired after the 49ers 2-8 start this year. Their QB situation couldn't get worse if Mike Nolan ditched the Armani suit for some shoulderpads and took the helm. The defense has the potential to be above-average at best. I think Frank Gore might start to feel the hits this season. I have no hope for this 49ers team. Anything more than 5 wins would be a miracle.

I am going to predict my playoff matchups, but I will not predict the outcomes until after my AFC preview. So here we go...

(1) Saints 13-3 BYE

(2) Giants 12-4 BYE

(3) Vikings 10-6 vs. (6) Buccaneers 10-6

(4) Seahawks 10-6 vs. (5) Cowboys 11-5

There she is, and keep an eye out for my AFC preview...

-Carm

Jessica Simpson Sex Tape?

Jessica Simpson Sex Tape

All right, this is just speculation, but apparently there is a Jessica Simpson sex tape. When I first saw this I was pumped, but then I realized there are always two people in a Sex Tape, your Tommy to Pam, your black guy to Kim Kardashian, or your under-aged girl covered in piss to R. Kelly. So who will it be Jessica? If its that piece of shit Tony Romo I might not even be able to watch, and if I do, I'll have to rip my eyes out after. Didn't she date that little bitch John Mayer? If its that clown I may just cry at the fact that a douche bag like him even had the pleasure. So who is the only person that can save this sex tape for me? Nick Lachey. I know it might sound gay, but at least I can respect this guy. He has nothing going for him these days, his career is a joke, he's from the Midwest, and he's getting old. But at least he is still pounding prime grade A pussy and sluggin Miller Lites. I think now he's plowing that Vanessa Minnillo chick. Well done Lachey. So for our sake, lets all hope that there is a video out there of Jessica Simpson going to P-Town.

- Carl

Re: WNBA Brawl

How the hell did that one bitch hurt her knee trying to restrain the other bitch? I mean, I've seen some freak injuries, and I've seen some brawls in sports, but these broads had it all. A man knocking over a giant women, bitches crying, a girl ripping up her knee. The only thing they didnt have was someone actually getting hit with a punch. Typical women, even when the are in a fist fight all they can do is whine and feel sorry for themselves.

- Carl

WNBA Brawl

I suppose the word 'brawl' is a little strong for this, but its the closest you're going to get in the WNBA.

Rumor is this all started when the one girl started talking shit about sleeping with the other girl's boyfriend. We're awaiting confirmation.

I'm not exactly sure how the coach shoving the one player who then attacks him fits into it. Perhaps he is said boyfriend.

On another note, it is now official that Detroit has played host to the darkest moment in both NBA and WNBA history... Kudos Motor City!

At least the ten people in the crowd got to see some action...

-Kobes

Say Hello to the Bad Guy....

It is the start of a new week and like over 10 million other people, I planted my ass in a movie seat this weekend and witnessed the already massive and record-breaking success that is The Dark Knight. By now, you've read approximately 1 million articles or stories on the film, and every article says the exact same thing; "The Dark Knight pisses excellence." While I could easily slip the kneepads on and write a very in-depth, very homoerotic blog expressing my thoughts and a review of The Dark Knight, it seemed very unoriginal. I decided instead to take something that stood out from the movie and look at it on a grander scale. It should come as no surprise that the one thing that stands out above the rest in the new Batman movie is Heath Ledger as the "so insane that he's sane" Joker. Much has been said about the job Ledger did in capturing the Joker in the way that he did. After seeing the movie, I can firmly attest that anytime the Joker is offscreen, the audience was just itching to have him back. While any movie villain tends to be a character of great intrigue (much to the same tune as girls who are attracted to the guys most likely to physically abuse them), its very rare to find an antagonist that undoubtedly steals the show. I have compiled a list (in no particular order) of movie/TV antagonists in recent memory (the last 10 years or so) that were a driving force in their particular medium.

The Joker. The Dark Knight. (Heath Ledger)

Don't worry, I'm not going to blow it and tell you that Edward Norton turns out to be Tyler Durden at the end, or something that may actually happen in the movie. It seems like beating a dead horse by now, but those of you who have seen The Dark Knight will no doubt agree that you can't say enough about the Joker. The portrayal that Heath Ledger lays out is that of an absolute maniac. The Joker is as cerebral as Hannibal Lecter, and as maniacal Jack Torrance (The Shining). As intuitive and cunning as Batman himself, and as terrifying as a terrorist sect. A lot of villains usually have bad morals, or were scorned and just feel like being a dick. With the Joker, it is more like he believes that wrong is the only right. He is motivated by evil and nothing else. He is ruthless, but still very calculating. The Joker always has the upper hand, and is completely unrelenting in his pursuit of annihilating every speck of good in Gotham City. After seeing this movie, I have come to the conclusion that everyone hanging onto the argument for Jack Nicholson being the better Joker, and the original Batman movies being the superior, need to just let it go. I cannot push my beliefs on other people, but after seeing both depictions of the Joker, I have no choice but to assume anyone arguing against Heath Ledger's Joker is a cynical, stubborn, fool who is hanging on to every morsel of nostalgia he or she can. Get over it.

Alonzo Harris. Training Day. (Denzel Washington)

Comparing Alonzo Harris to the Joker would be like comparing night and day (in no way was that a black joke). However, that is partly because you don't know that Alonzo is a bad guy until the middle of Training Day. Alonzo also carries out his master plan that is the basis for this film because he is in a dire situation, which normally would provide some sympathy, and sense of forgiveness on the audience's part, which is even more surprising considering that Denzel Washington played the part. It is no wonder the man won an Oscar. Denzel Washington is one of the most sympathetic actors on-screen (probably second behind Morgan Freeman), and he has no trouble swaying the audience to wish harm upon his character. His gameplan is absolutely brilliant. Often times, crooked cops are such a hated character because of their uncanny prowess to just throw around their authority and nothing else. While Alonzo does use and abuse his power, he manages to leave no stone unturned for the most part. Alonzo comes off as someone who has always been a jerk, and probably someone who didn't really operate within the realm of law as defined by anyone else but himself. He probably had made a life about obtaining glory, prestige, and money by hook or by crook. His character gives us a distorted view to living by the axiom : the ends justifies the means.

Anton Chigurh. No Country for Old Men. (Javier Bardem)

If you've seen this movie, than you probably still can't answer my question. What is this guy's deal? Anton Chigurh, a character who definitely should not have had a name, is a walking question mark. The only thing you know for sure is when he is on screen, violence is never far behind. More so than anyone on this list, I am baffled by Anton Chigurh. Was he a raving lunatic? Did he just suffer from a bad case of bloodlust? Was he the judge, jury, and executioner for his own bizarre set of morals? If you can answer these let me know, because even now, after thinking about this for almost an hour, staring into my computer screen and subsequently damaging my retinas beyond repair, I can't tell you. What I can most definitely say is that killing was a way of life for Anton, but I can't assert that he actually enjoyed it (though he most likely did crack a fat at times during murder). It seemed more like it was something he had to do. The most frightening part about Anton is that not once in the movie did he show any emotion. Things happened the way they happened with Anton, and he reacted to them however he saw fit.

Big Ern McCracken. Kingpin. (Bill Murray)

If we were playing the classic Sesame Street game of "which of these things just doesn't belong here?" than Big Ern would definitely be elected in a landslide. However, I thought I'd put him in here because he falls under the "guys you love to hate" category. It is hard to be very funny, and still maintain a "heel" status. While conducting my extensive research for this blog, I read that Bill Murray ad-libbed much of this role, which makes it that much better, not to mention impressive. For instance, the entire "Big Brother Foundation-esque" commercial that he's in is totally off the cuff. I also ran into the tidbit that the 3 consecutive strikes he bowls in the tenth frame are genuine... again, impressive. Bill Murray overshadows the rest of this cast in hilarity, and still, it is impossible to root for him.

Benjamin Linus. Lost. Michael Emerson.

I think this certainly will be my least popular selection with my target audience, but seeing as how my opinion of myself is so high that you people look like ants, I'm gonna roll with it anyway. (The dude's gonna win the emmy this year, so it ain't just me). Ben Linus.... if you watch Lost, the name can make you think, laugh, or shudder. The man can literally, sans super powers, make people do things with his mind. He is so unbelievably cerebral and intuitive that he can get people to do anything he wants without even breaking a sweat in an effort to persuade them. Every time you think the man is down and out, you see a smile start to form in the corner of his mouth, and you know that everything is falling exactly into place. He takes everything into consideration, and somehow always comes out on top. In fact, it got to a point where the castaways almost seem to ignore him because they know he is going to outsmart them. The thing about Ben Linus is that of all the people on this list, as well as the vast majority of villainous characters, he is the least physically intimidating. He is small, late-40s, early-50s guy with big bug eyes and a limp. Yet still (and if you decide to start watching the show, you'll notice this theme) the man almost always comes out of every situation with the overwhelmingly dominant hand.

Well there it is. Keep an eye out for my next post. Also, I think we should try and get together and make NFL predictions on this blog.

Get in the Yahoo! fantasy football league.

League ID: 189085
Password: Kobes

I'm out.

-Carmine

Adios, Shockster

Shockey Sent to Saints for 2nd and 5th Round Pick

Finally, after months of speculation this thing is over.

I'll admit that I, along with numerous other Giant fans, were too quick to anoint Shockey the 2nd coming of Mark Bavaro in his first few years. It just never quite panned out that way.

Don't get me wrong, he had some great seasons with the G-Men. His intensity and willingness to play through injuries were a great asset to the team.

But there were also the dropped passes, the personal fouls and the endless string of events where he displayed the maturity level of a 7th grade sex-ed class. (Though to be fair, I still laugh when I think about Shockey calling Parcells 'the homo' -- that was a good one.)

It is obvious the Giants would have been a better team if they could have kept Jeremy, but that was if -- and only if -- he was happy. It became pretty clear that he wasn't going to be, especially with his role in the offense.

It works out for both sides; though I wish the G-Men could have made this decision before the draft and got a linebacker with the 2nd round pick. Shockey is no doubt happier than a pig in shit as he gets reunited with Sean Payton who is going to let him loose on secondaries just like in his rookie year when Payton was the Giants offensive coordinator.

The big question now is: can the Giants win without Shockey?

...oh wait.

-Kobes