Bananas Galore, Necky's Nuts, and Giant Crocs: My Childhood Experience with Donkey Kong Country

I'm not gonna lie, Kobel's dose of nostalgia completely missed the mark with me. Fucked if I remember Mousetrap. By the sounds of it, my childhood was all the better for it. When it came to toys and games, my progression was a simple one. First, it was Lincoln Logs and action figures, most of which were from TMNT (if you don't know this acronym, well, you best have a vagina). Eventually those got old, and I moved on to Legos. Sweet. Then, around the tender age of 6 or 7, I played my first video game, and that, as they say, was that.

Now I will inevitably dedicate one, if not many, future blogs to the subject of video games, but today I'd like to focus on just one in particular: Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo. Sure, it wasn't the greatest game, and not quite so retro as to be truly the subject of nostalgia, but you must understand, I have a special attachment to DKC. For you see, according to Nintendo Power magazine--the definitive source on all things Nintendo back in the day--I am one of the elite few to be labeled one of the greatest Donkey Kong Country players of all time. Eat your fucking heart out.

Donkey Kong Country was a sweet game. Classic side-scrolling action at its best. On a scale of 1-10, the graphics at the time would have ranked a fucking awesome. We're talking pants-creamingly good. It was a fun--if not too difficult--game. So I was pumped when I read in Nintendo Power that they were having a contest to see who could beat the game, finding all the secrets, in the fastest time. I was all over this shit.

Now, the first thing you had to know about this game was that its namesake, Donkey Kong, well, kinda sucked balls. Sure he's loveable, but when you're going for the gold, there's only one trait you care about, and that is whether this primate is capable of kicking ass and taking names. While other chimps out there are ripping off testicles, chewing off noses, and learning how to manipulate firearms (see Carl's blog below), DK's arsenal consisted of little more than trolling around at a snail's pace, and as if that weren't bad enough, his special attack was a forward roll. Needless to say, it sucked dick. Big, hairy, simian dick.

On the other hand, his little pal Diddy Kong was straight ballin'. While nowhere near as strong as DK, this little guy was infinitely faster, making him capable of wreaking infinitely more havoc. His main move was a cartwheel, which fruity as it may sound, was pretty badass. The best part was how he could do a cartwheel into midair, and then jump--while in midair--making it possible to reach areas you would otherwise have no chance at. This was the key to unlocking many of the game's secrets and vital to my mission. As a kid of just nine years, this move came about as close to inducing my first boner as anything. That's the funny thing about being a kid--present 9 yr. old me a girl with big ol' titties and a round ass? Thanks, but no thanks. Present me a monkey named Diddy that wore a shirt and a cap and could transition from a cartwheel to a jump in mid-air? Fuck yeah. Although I must admit, Candy Kong was a fine piece of ass. Shorty be looking fine:



Like I said, the game wasn't too hard. You basically just had to run through these levels finding the secret rooms, while killing the occasional enemy, which usually meant just jumping on them. Most of the enemies and levels were pretty forgettable, although one level entitled "Necky's Nuts," which features a vulture trying to bust a (coco)nut on your head, is one that I am able to enjoy on a whole new level as a mature adult.

The game, though, did have a few things that were pretty tricky. For instance, as I mentioned, I needed to find all of the secret rooms--not for the one-ups and shit that often lay inside, but because doing so counted towards my final score, and I needed a perfect one. Most were straightforward, just throw a barrel at a suspicious looking wall and there you go. But there was this one secret room that was damn near impossible to find. First, you had to get into a secret room (not the one in discussion) by throwing a barrel at a wall. So you go in and there's this roulette-like game where you can time it so that you get whatever prize you want. The options were something like: a one-up, a two-up (nut nut nut), ten bananas (100 bananas = 1 life), or 1 lousy banana. Much like in a prison shower, receiving a banana was the last thing you wanted in DKC. It was easy enough to avoid, too, so you probably would never get it. Here's the kicker though: in order to get into the second room, you HAD to get it. Once you did, a barrel would appear out of thin air, and you would throw that at another wall, which would lead to ANOTHER secret room. This was unprecedented. I mean, what sadistic fucks. You're telling me some ten year old is supposed to have the foresight to look for a secret room, INSIDE a secret room? What fuckers.

So then you finally beat the game 100% (according to the game's tally), and you think you're the shit. Wrong, pal. You see, the game actually goes to 101%. Combine this with that secret in a secret bullshit, and we're talking legions of kids who never knew that they had, in fact, failed in their quest to be just like me--a fucking DKC master.

But me and Diddy knew better. Blazing through the game at a maddening pace, I managed to reach 101% in a mere 1:14. Give me the fucking gold, I thought. But not just yet. One of the biggest pains in the asses was getting evidence of the achievement. To do so, you had to submit a picture of the end of game screen showing your time/score, but the picture also had to include the Super Nintendo as well. This was to ensure that you weren't using something like Game Genie (which plugged into the Super Nintendo) to cheat. Nintendo Power demanding to see the system would be like if R. Kelly was showing his boys a sex tape of him pissing on some girl, only his dick wasn't showing, and then his buddies being like "wait a second... how do we know that's really you showerin' on that broad?" I mean, give me a break. This really sucked for me because my Super Nintendo was nowhere close to my TV, and due to the weak ass setup of my bedroom, it was damn near an effort in futility. But I was going to be damned if all the blood, sweat, and tears that I had invested into those two days of my life were going to go to waste, and I made do.

Eagerly I awaited for months before the issue came out announcing the results. In glorious anticipation I flipped furiously through the pages, waiting to see my name in big bold letters with the words "THE MAN" slapped next to them. Alas, this was not to be the case. Some bastard had the audacity to clock an incredible 1:08, knocking my ass down into a shameful second place. It's okay though, I'm sure he never gets laid. I mean, who comes in first in a video game contest in a video game magazine? Homo.

-DanO