Friday, January 20, 2012

Countdown to the CARMYs 3: Carm-a's a Bitch

Ah Part 3, how you befuddle... Bringer of such classics as Return of the Jedi, Return of the King, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (yup), Goldfinger, Toy Story 3, The Last Crusade, Sister Act 3: Nun Ya Business, Nutty Professor 3: More Farts and The Dark Knight Rises (the one where Batman dies at the end... probably). Part 3 has also delivered some number-two's: Big Momma's House: Wow, They Green-lighted This? Ok. Hmm, I guess We Can Throw Something Together, Spiderman 3: So Many Villains, So Little Time... Oh, and Tobey Does Jazz Dance, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Hahahahaha! You Fucking Idiots!, Back to the Future III, and The Matrix Bastardizations. Somehow, Part 3 of the 2011 Countdown to the CARMYs manages to find the creamy middle. The following movies range from "yeah, I guess that was OK," to "good not great."

Terrible Movie that I Forgot to Put in Part 2

Everything Must Go



Will Ferrell is undoubtedly a very funny man. Anyone who would disagree is a cynical asshole. He is borderline revolutionary in Old School, Talladega Nights, Anchorman, Step Brothers and Zoolander (in which he is the best part... every one of his lines is downright cackle-inducing). He might even be an okay serious actor. But the man is too funny to spend any of his time taking serious roles in shitty movies, as is this film.

The set-up to this movie is absurd: his wife surprises him one day (the day he loses his job) by moving all his stuff out of the house, changing the locks, and *SPOILER ALERT* sleeping with his best friend. The rest of the movie consists of him beating the odds by not killing himself. It is one of the more boring movies I have ever seen. Oh, and Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's is less static than Ferrell's character in this movie. I HATE movies where nothing happens, and where there is no character development. This was one of them.

'Nother Movie That Shoulda Gone in Part 2

30 Minutes or Less



This movie belongs grouped with Bad Teacher, Hall Pass, and the like, but I watched it last week so tough luck. This movie had several things going for it, a capable cast, an appropriately simple plot and short- run time. It had a few laugh out-loud moments, usually during the moments of banter between Danny McBride and Nick Swardson.

Having said that, it has a lot working against it as well. First, the 2 leads are either miscast or poorly written... I can't decide which. I don't buy Jesse Eisenberg as a comedic lead. He's ideally cast as the dorky straight guy, whose contribution to the funny is his reactions to other characters. The makers of Zombieland used him perfectly. Eisenberg, as a snarky, crass, confrontational lowlife doesn't work for me, and I reiterate my complaints about Bad Teacher: the main protagonist is a piece of shit. It's not funny, as a bro, to watch a geeky, ugly, sarcastic piece of shit save the day and get the hot girl.

Aziz Ansari, on the other hand, works as the zany charicature archetype - that much is plainly clear from his work on Parks and Rec. As the straight guy, not so much. Reverse his and Jesse Eisenberg's roles, this might be a damn funny movie.

This Movie Knew Exactly What It Was

Troll Hunter



Many of you may not have heard of this Norwegian mockumentary. That's ok, many of you have never been to an authentic Hungarian thermal bath either... we can't all be cultured. Anyway, the thurst of this movie is that 3 college students find, what else, a troll hunter, and Sir Titular reluctantly agrees to let the group follow him. The audience is delightfully treated to up close and detailed footage of a number of different trolls of legend.

Troll Hunter was a lot of fun, but it did drag on at times and its characters were all one-dimensional. It also, perhaps intentionally, lacked any real denoument or resolution. What I'm trying to say is that something was definitely missing in what was otherwise a very enjoyable movie.

Indie Movie That Was Kinda Good Despite Being Woefully Misguided

There Be Dragons



Man, this movie was poorly directed. Roland Jaffe, director of The Mission, and The Killing Fields, reallllly mailed this one in. There Be Dragons is about two radically different lives in the midst of the Spanish Civil War. The first, recently canonized priest Jose Maria Escribal, is wonderfully acted and very promising, yet Jaffe decides to rush through this plot and end it abruptly, in favor of the B-plot. The B-story consists of a man, played by Wes Bentley (who is a terrible actor and, I can't stress this enough, has the worst Spanish accent I have ever heard), who is a spy for the Spanish government going undercover as a Communist rebel. This story is so f'ing weak, yet it somehow dominates the second half of the movie. There Be Dragons is one giant missed opportunity, but kudos to providing us with 1/3 of a good film.

Best Movie of the Year: Jason Bateman Category

Horrible Bosses



This is how to make a decent comedy. You take a central storyline that everyone can relate to - if you don't hate your boss then you know someone who does. Then you fill your roles with capable actors. And indeed, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day are two of the best comedy "jam-sesh" actors alive, and director Seth Gordon lets them do just that. Spacey, Bateman, Aniston, and Farrell all do good work in their roles as well, especially Spacey. Then keep the movie, well, moving. Too many comedies these days, and even some good ones, are stretched super-thin in the denoument. But when Bosses ended, I wanted more. As movies go, it's always better to be given a little less than a lot more.

The Movie People Will Look Down On Me For Not Liking

Tree of Life



Look, it's obvious that director Terence Malick is a very smart guy and for what it's worth, a brilliant filmmaker who probably thought Tree of Life perfectly translated his vision to the big screen. Having said that, I am of the belief that the essence of movies are entertainment value. I love art, and I can be profoundly stimulated by books and paintings and other media. But entertainment is one of, if not the essence of the film medium. That's not to say the two are mutually exclusive. I find that many of my favorite movies are ones that make me brood about the underlying subtext and themes for days on end. But entertainment cannot be entirely sacrificed at the hands of art, not in movies, not outside of film school. But that's essentially what Tree of Life has done.

Of the poor reviews I've read, many throw out the term "pretentious," which I feel is unfair. Malick had a vision, and executed it... good for him. He has done way more with his life by making this movie than I will probably ever do with mine. The pretentiousness, though, will definitely be palpable in conversations about the movie. I can guarantee that sometime in the coming weeks I will be conversing about movies and mention my distaste for this one, which is then refuted with "oh, you probably just didn't get it." This is the 2011 movie that people are literally afraid to say they dislike for fear of sounding dumb. But have no fear people, I didn't like this movie either and I got final jeopardy right last night (What was Hammurabi's Code?).

Thematically, Tree of Life is very provocative, but unfortunately we are beaten over the head with themes for long stretches that can absolutely be fast-forwarded. For example, a strong theme throughout the movie are the opposing forces of God and Nature, and to that end we are treated with a near half-hour stretch of images of star and planetary formations in space, single-celled organisms, dinosaurs (yes), waves crashing onto rocks, and a fetus in a womb. I'm not kidding when I said "a near half-hour stretch." I absolutely "got it," we're so small in scale and the result of soooo much conflict between opposing forces, sooo much had to happen for these vignettes of our childhood to have even occurred... blah blah blah.

Form-wise, I dare say Tree of Life is an obvious homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey (a pretty overrated, albeit good movie) without the added benefit of a plot. At least the stargate scene in 2001 was made to whet the appetites of stoners during the psychadelic boom of the 1960s and 1970s.

About said vignettes: it would be entirely unfair for me not to lend some praise to the middle third of the movie. It reads almost like a photo-album of childhood. When watching, I couldn't help but think of the random, and seemingly insignificant childhood memories which every single human alive has. You know the type, the memories that we will never forget, or that come to us at random times, that don't have much meaning to anyone else. But for whatever reason, they have meaning to you. Things got beautiful for about an hour there...

But like I said, Tree of Life failed to entertain. I actually fast-forwarded throughout the last 15 minutes of the movie (another excruciating sequence, this time about the main character, all grown-up, walking on a beach confronting and embracing the people as they were in his memories, mixed with images of sunflowers, bridges, trees, blah blah blah) and I guarantee I am none the worse for wear.

Obligatory Pixar Mention

Cars 2



I love Pixar movies. Love 'em. They have more goodwill than any other studio - 12 feature films without a bad apple in the peck. It seemed they were only getting better - Toy Story 3 and Up were experiences. But for some odd reason, the Cars franchise never appealed to me. I've been asked why, but I never knew. Maybe it was because I felt the anthropomorphism of toys was executed so flawlessly that I'd inevitably be disappointed by Pixar's such treatment of cars...

And I kinda was. Don't get me wrong, Cars and Cars 2 were charming films, they just lacked that magic Pixar blend of beautiful visuals with rich story-telling. Something was missing, but if I don't extoll this movie's virtues I'd be doing it a disservice. First, it's funny. The italiano cars are just a delight and more than make up for Larry the Cable Guy's building annoyances. Second, it's very well paced. Third, I can't say enough about the italiano cars. The movie's just a little overly ambitious. The first Cars was a story of a dying small town and the people, or cars, that are left there, trying to survive. It entreated the viewer to slow down and enjoy the journey rather than race to the finish. The sequel is a globe-trotting espionage adventure with a thin message that friends should never be taken for granted.

Impromptu rankings of Pixar movies from worst to first: Ratatouille, Cars 2, A Bug's Life, Cars, Toy Story 2, Wall-E, The Incredibles, Up, Toy Story, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, Toy Story 3. Note: arranging the best ones, from The Incredibles to Toy Story 3, involved a number of very very difficult life choices.

Animated Movies In Which James McAvoy Voices the Main Character (I can't believe there are more than 1 of these)

Arthur Christmas



This isn't an instant Christmas classic, and I don't believe it will be remembered as such. What it is rather, is a movie, packed full of fun, with simple messages - that every person has value and that it's the act of believing that makes Christmas special. Arthur is one of the more innocent and endearing characters in recent recollection - that one child might be disappointed on Christmas is a legitimate travesty to him. It is his sense of the importance of his mission (to use antiquated means - reindeer and a sleigh - to deliver the overlooked girl's Christmas gift in the waning hours before sunrise), that really drives the movie. In family movies, the plot is usually aimed to grap the child's attention and the writers throw in some jokes for adults that are harmless because children couldn't possibly understand. In Arthur Christmas, we get the exact opposite. The jokes are often corny and childish, but the plot is infused with the charm and heart that really reach the adult moviegoer. There is however, an alien-government subplot that fails on all levels.

Gnomeo & Juliet



Yeah, that's right, I said it. Gnomeo & Juliet is a good, and exceedingly charming animated movie. I understand it's derivative but the movie does nothing to hide that and one could do a lot worse than adapting Romeo and Juliet. In fact, the classic tale of forbidden love translates quite well to the context of garden ornaments. It doesn't have the large-scale adventure plot that many animated movies have these days for better (Finding Nemo, Kung Fu Panda 2) or worse (Puss in Boots, Cars 2). But the movie succeeds because it keeps it simple.

I expected that I would hate this movie. Specifically, I thought I'd be forced to shout out loud "we get it, you're garden gnomes!!!" But it wasn't annoying at all. For instance, there weren't really any "you the gnome!" jokes that I can remember. Instead, we are treated with genuine, even if at times sappy, humor. The character of Featherstone the Flamingo consistently made me laugh. And the story of the blind hatred between the "Reds" and the "Blues" is, I dare say, compelling. Gnomeo & Juliet light-heartedly and somewhat whimsically teaches viewers that it is painfully silly to hate someone because of, say, the color of their hat.

Just trust me, brah. You could do a lot worse, more dirty and shameful things with your time then watch a heartfelt, albeit dumbed-down retelling of a classic.

***************************************************************************

We're getting closer. Part 4 of 6 coming soon. My plan is to have the actual CARMY nominees/winner the week of the Oscars.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

February Movie List Part II

Continuing right where I left off yesterday...

Rampart

Release Date: February 10

What you need to know: Woody Harrelson doesn't get nearly enough credit for being the man.

Synopsis: Set in 1999 Los Angeles, veteran police officer Dave Brown, the last of the renegade cops, works to take care of his family, and struggles for his own survival.


My thoughts: This isn't your typical bad ass cop keeps doing the right thing movie. This is a bad ass drama about a corrupt, piece of shit cop. Apparently this movie is 99% Woody which means for sure this movie will be good.

Verdict: Yeah we have a director/writer that hasn't done much of anything his career but I'm still giving this the MUST SEE label. The trailer makes this movie look bad ass. Might be the best of the month.

Wanderlust

Release Date: February 24

What you need to know: Jennifer Aniston lives in a nudist colony

Synopsis: Rattled by sudden unemployment, a Manhattan couple surveys alternative living options, ultimately deciding to experiment with living on a rural commune where free love rules.


My Thoughts: This one has potential. As far as previews go this one is hitting on all cylinders. We have the writer that brought us Wet Hot American Summer and Role Models. We have a group of likable players in Paul Rudd, Ken Marino and Malin Ackerman. I'm not a big Jennifer Aniston guy but I don't dislike her (she's still hot though, respect). And we have a funny trailer. Based on all that I'm gonna go ahead and say that this will be up to Role Models level but lets hope it's not another Couples Retreat.

Verdict: I have a good feeling about this one. I'm a big Paul Rudd fan, you can always count on him to be funny. I'm going to give this the MUST SEE. Maybe not a run to the theater on opening night type flick but one that we all will end up checking out eventually.

Act of Valor

Release Date: February 24

What you need to know: Call of Duty: The Movie

Synopsis: An elite team of Navy SEALs embark on a covert mission to recover a kidnapped CIA agent.


My thoughts: Simple story it seems but the cool part of this is that it's based on real NAVY SEALS missions and the actors in the movie play real NAVY SEALS. Trailer looks pretty bad ass too.

Verdict: I really can't tell with this one. It certainly looks like it can be good but these military movies have been 50/50 lately. This is a WAIT for reviews.

The Rest...

The Innkeepers


Verdict: PASS

W.E.


Verdict: PASS. If I ever see a movie directed by Madonna, feel free to kill me on the spot.

The Vow


Verdict: PASS. If you're going to see a date movie this month, make it Wanderlust.

Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Verdict: PASS. I'm a Star Wars guy and I'm a 3D guy. But this movie was terrible, I don't know if I can sit through it again.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence


Verdict: Give me a fucking break. PASS.

This Means War


Verdict: Might not be horrible. HBO.

The Secret World of Arriety


Verdict: The trailer fucking creeps me out but I bet this one will be pretty good. RENTAL.

Good Deeds


Verdict: A must see for all my black friends. PASS for the rest of us.

Gone


Verdict: Amanda Seyfried has great tits. The movie looks like shit though. PASS.






Countdown to the CARMYs: Part 2

So by now you've all read Part 1. If you haven't, please do because I do not care to explain the idea of this series of articles again (Hint: it's a fucking movie countdown list).

Several weeks ago, I started out by outlining the worst movies of 2011. This week's article will continue to list the movies that I thought were bad or at least sub-par.

Lazy Re-Treads

Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides



It seems the world will never get tired of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise - this fourth installment has grossed over $1 billion worldwide (an amount Justin Timberlake has told us is, in fact, cool). But I can name something with 2 thumbs who is tired of it. I'll admit, there's a certain charm to these movies, but at this point that is the only thing that kept On Stranger Tides out of the "Trainwrecks" category.

I don't think the well has run dry with potential for another good movie. I do think, however, that producers and writers know a cash cow when they see one and can say "fuck it" story-wise. This movie made no goddamn sense. A movie about the fountain of youth should be about the thirst to be young again, and nostalgia. In lieu of these themes we got some kind of father-daughter storyline and some mermaid subplot that wasn't the least bit interesting or resolved.

Also, I love 3D, with 2 caveats. First, it must be done properly. By this I mean the visuals must be beautiful to look at. Second, it must not be used as a gimmicky substitute for storytelling (Avatar excluded, the 3D visuals were worth the price of admission). This movie failed both tests.

Puss in Boots

It might be a misnomer to categorize a non-sequel as a re-tread, but let's be clear that there was nothing original about this movie, and spinoffs are kind of a grey area. The last two Shrek movies were plain lousy, but like a woman from shopping, they could not be stopped. The obvious way to squeeze more money from the franchise was to spin-off with the delightfully named Puss character.

If I could sum up this movie in one word it would be "forgettable." Then I would say "fuhgedaboutit" to myself several times and chuckle (I just did). This wasn't necessarily a bad movie, it was just so f'ing lazy and direction-less. My biggest pet peeves are (a) when a movie refuses to define itself, and (b) when a movie doesn't realize what it is. This movie failed to do either one. Particularly, in movies of the animated/family genre, usually the children are meant to care about the general plot while the adults are meant to get the in-jokes, or vice-versa. I can't imagine anyone caring about Puss' plot, or it's jokes (unless you're a cat, in which case it might be hilarious).

An OK Movie about Animated Birds that Takes Place in Brazil

Rio

I couldn't think of another category for this movie, but it wasn't very good.


















Knock knock. Who's there? That'll be $12, theater 5 on your left. I don't get it.

Hall Pass



Farrelly brothers, what happened to you? It's hard to believe the same duo that made Dumb & Dumber and Kingpin dropped this turd on us. I won't say this movie was devoid of laughs, for instance Jason Sudeikis' one-liners are superb, as per usual. It just... wasn't funny, and a hard "R" movie about 40-somethings trying to bang hot young chicks should be. Another nit-pick is that the first thing I thought when I walked out of the theater was that they left 30-45 usable minutes on the cutting room floor - scenes do not segue crisply at all, nor do some scenes have a discernable start and finish.

I also am very concerned for society that the funniest part of this movie is full frontal male nudity. Let's stop this trend.

Your Highness



This one fell flatter than Pineapple Express, which was okay I guess, but left much to be desired. I don't know why I had high hopes for this one, maybe it was the more prominent role given to the always-funny Danny McBride. McBride did bring the humor to this movie, and the result were a few genuine laugh-out-loud moments. Those moments however are tragically few and far between. It was a long time ago, but I don't think I laughed at a line by anyone but McBride. If David Gordon Green were a better movie-maker, he would've handed this one off to McBride and let everyone feed off him.

Paul



Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are both funny dudes, just not in this movie. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't a bad movie, just one I'll probably never watch again. This movie left me feeling so blase that I can't even write about it. I will say that Kristen Wiig is hilarious in her role as a former straight-edge square, busting out for the first time (You ready to go? You bet your fat cock I am).

Bad Teacher



I enjoyed Bad Teacher more than the preceding movies, but I imagine my favorite of the 4 would be whichever I watched most recently. But I did have a major problem with this movie: Cameron Diaz plays the worst person ever. She doesn't have any redeeming qualities, not one. Yet *SPOILER ALERT* everything works out for her; she gets the right guy for her, she gets promoted, and most importantly, she ruins the life of a well-to-do teacher whose main failing is that she's a bit of a stickler to the rules. Towards the end of the movie, I was more disgusted with her moral transgressions than I was amused by them. Unless you're a sociopath, you're not supposed to be delighted by the bad guy screwing over everyone to get ahead, it is the point of literally every Leverage episode. The last third of the movie - the third that revolves mainly around Diaz' character's lying, cheating, and stealing her way ahead - dragged on for me, which is the best reason I have in grouping Bad Teacher as I am.

Diaz does manage to be very funny at times, but is outdone by the supporting cast. Justin Timberlake, all personal feelings aside, brings a great performance as the straight-edge, religious, and douchey substitute teacher. Jason Segel is great, albeit under-utilized. I am selling the less-famous supporting cast short by not listing their names one-by-one, but I still refuse to do it.

Most Over-rated Movies of the Year

Rise of the Planet of the Apes



I expect a lot of contention about these next few paragraphs...

I did not like this movie, at all really. Maybe I read a few sparkling reviews and set my expectations a little too high. Maybe I have no soul. Whatever the case may be, I am left astounded by much of the glowing word-of-mouth this movie got. Grantland.com suggested Andy Serkis as a possible best supporting actor nominee for his motion-capture work as Caesar the chimp. Are you fucking kidding me? I guess a lot of brow furrowing goes a long way.

I consider myself a very empathetic viewer. I well-up at certain car commercials for G's sake. But I felt nothing during this movie. Caesar's anguish didn't resonate with me. The only time I felt anything was when Malfoy got his.

That's not to say this movie sucked. In fact, it was perfectly watchable. It was also interesting and fitting, story-wise, as a prequel to the Planet of the Apes franchise, and potentially to sequels of its own. I just cannot fathom the film's quantitative and qualitative success.

Captain America: The First Avenger



For about the year leading up to Captain America's release, my expectations wavered back-and-forth with each passing commercial. But then the movie came out, and critics were almost unanimously impressed. Some labelled it the best superhero movie of the year. "Better than Thor? Better than X-Men?" I says. Upon viewing, I was flabbergasted. It reminds me of how after Superbad came out, any subsequent above-average comedy was labelled "better than Superbad." And you know what? It was complete and utter bullshit.

Again, this movie was perfectly watchable, but it was flawed through-and-through. Chris Evans is great... in small doses. He is not a lead. Evans is at his best in this movie as the improbably small weakling, but as the Cap, not so much. That's actually this movie in a nutshell. Downright captivating before Steve Rogers gets the super-soldier serum, but pretty empty afterwards. *SPOILER ALERT* If the protagonist's best friend dies, the viewer, and definitely the protagonist should feel something or react in some way. Not in this movie.

Great... Relative to Other Recent Horror Movies

Insidious



Insidious was NOT a great movie. The story was flat, the viewer isn't forced to care about the comatose child nor the pain it causes the parents. But it does give me hope for an upward trend in the quality of horror movies. By this I mean it was disturbingly creepy, without overt gore or cheap scares. I'm talking about the dad's photos, if you've seen it you KNOW what I'm talking about. It gives me chills as I'm writing this... I'm gonna stop here because I don't feel like having the night terrors tonight.

Part 3 (probably of 6) coming soon... but not too soon. I'm still trying to see a few more 2011 movies.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

February Movie List

I'm going to start a little trend here where I'll list out some of the movies coming out every month and throw in a little preview along with my thoughts and a link to the trailer.

I'll do it for every month but chances are I'll update this when Carmine updates us on the Carmy's.

My thought process when judging these films without seeing them is to first look at the director, writer and actors. To me this is the best way to gauge how a movie will be. Then the trailer, if I can get a little preview going of what I'm going to see then good shit. Finally the synopsis. There are just some trailers that don't give you enough of an idea of what's going on. A synopsis gives us a little more to work with.

Let's get started.

The Woman in Black

Release date: February 3

What you need to know: Harry Potter sees dead people

Synopsis: A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals.


My thoughts: I respect Harry Potter for trying to break away from the Harry Potter typecast. He did some Broadway shit and now he's moving on to a flat out horror movie. As far as horror movies go, you know what to expect: some creepy imagery, a lot of jump out of your seat scares and just a lot of darkness. The true fright of the horror movie lies in the story and there have only been a handful in the last few years that have had a story terrifying enough to actually be scary. The Omen is the best example of this and that movie is a good 30 years old (I'd say Paranormal Activity is the best recent example). So throw in the poor recent history of the genre and the fact this isn't frightening enough to be rated R (it's PG-13) and I foresee a loser.

Verdict: If you're really into the genre this might have enough scares to be worth a rental. But I'm giving this one a PASS.

Chronicle

Release Date: February 3

What you need to know: The love child of Cloverfield and Kick Ass

Synopsis: Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery. Soon, though, they find their lives spinning out of control and their bond tested as they embrace their darker sides.


My thoughts: I'll admit, I'm a sucker for these type of films. Cloverfield is one of my favorite movies of the last 5 years. I think Blair Witch Project and the Paranormal Activity flicks are genius. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's the "realness" of it. Maybe it's the simplicity. Regardless of the reason, I'm obviously pretty excited to see how this turns out.

Verdict: If you're a sucker like me you'll be there opening weekend. But speaking objectively, there has yet to be a "found footage" flick that got all the critics hard. There tends to be a 50/50 split. So WAIT for the reviews on this one.

Big Miracle

Release Date: February 3

What you need to know: Jim Halpert saves the whales. Gets the girl. Cries.

Synopsis: In small town Alaska, a news reporter recruits his ex-girlfriend - a Greenpeace volunteer - on a campaign to save a family of gray whales trapped by rapidly forming ice in the Arctic Circle.


My thoughts: I'm not a big "save the world" movie guy. I like animals. I respect the environment. I try to limit my carbon footprint. I just really don't like these tearjerker animal flicks. The cast is good. Kristen Bell, Drew Barrymore, Jim Halpert are all likable people.

Verdict: Despite the likable cast, I already know how this plays out. Animals are in trouble. Small towns bands together around them. They do their best to save them. Cue the big booming music and the tearful conclusion. PASS.

Safe House

Release Date: February 10

What you need to know: 3 words... Den Fucking Zel.

Synopsis: A young CIA agent is tasked with looking after a fugitive in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge.


My Thoughts: Denzel baby. He's playing the bad guy again and the whenever he does that he knocks it out of the fucking park (Training Day).

Verdict: Not even the presence of Ryan Reynolds can keep me away from watching Denzel kick some ass. MUST SEE.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

Release Date: February 10

What you need to know: FINALLLLLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO WHAT CAN POSSIBLY BE A DECENT MOVIE!!!!!!!

Synopsis: Sean Anderson partners with his mom's boyfriend on a mission to find his grandfather, who is thought to be missing on a mythical island.


My thoughts: Needless to say, I'm a big fan of the Rock. I saw a trailer for this in 3D yesterday and I have to say that if you're a fan of 3D you'll enjoy the visuals this movie is packing. If you're not then I have to admit this one doesn't look too promising. It could have its moments though.

Verdict: Here's the issue with 3D movies. If you're going to see it, you have to see it on the big screen. I highly doubt this movie will be good enough to drop the big bills in the theater though. PASS. Watch the trailer though, the end with the Rock is hilarious.

Ok that's it for now. Enjoy that and I'll come back for Part 2 tomorrow.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Countdown to the CARMYs: Part 1

When you get to be 26 years old 2 things happen. First, for the first time in your life you have to think before you can say for certain how old you actually are. And second, you realize the emptiness in your life stemming from your sheer lack of hobbies. In a perfect world I'd pick up a musical instrument (not enough time or dedication) or build things with various lumber and brawn (not enough money). But being in the position I am in -- a dirt-poor student of something I have no intention of making a career out of -- I decided to become a real movie buff. That isn't to say I'm above your mindless popcorn blockbuster, but I certainly look for something more in a movie.

I strove to see more movies, at home and in the theater, in 2011 than I had in any other year previous. And I watched a bona fide bounty of films. The best: a glued-to-the-screen re-watch of 2009's Inglorious Basterds and 2010's The King's Speech, The worst: you'll see in a few paragraphs. In fact, I watched over 30 movies that were released in 2011. As the movies piled up, naturally I compared one to the other to the other. And so goes the inception of the 1st Annual CARMY Awards (p.s. I hated Inception).

Unsurprisingly, the CARMYs come with a big-nosed disclaimer. First, obviously the only movies ranked are the movies I actually saw (sorry Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son fans). Second, this is very much a subjective list.

Let's get into the logistics of this multiple-part article. I will be starting at the worst movies of the year and counting down. I will group the movies in what I feel are suitable categories (at least to start, I may scrap that gimmick sooner rather than later). The last piece will announce the nominees for the CARMY and then reveal who's taking home the sweetest statue in entertainment today....



WORST MOVIES OF 2011

Movies that I Saw about 50% of and Then Didn't Want to See Anymore

Unknown


I loooooove Liam Neeson. I have had an unnatural affinity for him since I saw him play the lead of The Crucible on Broadway. I shit you not when I say that the crowd went nuts when the man took his shirt off, or at least I remember it that way. Anyway, Unknown was boring and lazy. A movie that is supposed to be a mystery/thriller fails when it can't keep my attention until the end. That I checked out about halfway-in is all the more telling given that I actually spent money to order this movie. If you're thinking about watching this, just watch Taken instead, even if you've seen it 50 times, because that movie rocks cocks.

Gulliver's Travels


Another guy I like: Jack Black. His role in Saving Silverman built up a whole mess of goodwill with me. But the dude needs to reboot his career ASAP. The decision to take top billing in this movie was... uninspired? And what in god's name were Jason Segel and Emily Blunt doing in this shit? Did they lose their homes in Jack Black's poker game?

I went into this movie with zero expectations, which is why I made it as far as I did. I'm ashamed to say that about 30% in I said, out loud, that Gulliver's Travels was "watchable." I think I even laughed a couple of times. But, things went sour very, very fast.

Just Go With It


Someone who has run out of goodwill: Adam Sandler. Seriously, when was his last good movie? This movie is just terrible, terrible fare. It is exactly what I expected, shit. 'Nuff said.

Absolute Trainwrecks, 'cept You Definitely Should Look Away

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon


I've reviewed this movie earlier this year on the blog. I'll spare your eyes and say nothing more than this was unequivocally, without a doubt, the WORST movie of 2011, and is quite possibly the 2nd-worst of the millenium behind only Transformers 2: The Joke's On You.

Green Lantern


Notice how this photo days "entertainment" in the background? I guess they were being ironic. For a movie about a superhero who is part of an intergalactic police force and who can manifest anything he imagines, Green Lantern was boring as shit.

***SPOILER ALERT**** Don't read ahead if you like to go in fresh, but I don't think I spoil anything major.

The first rule in any handbook about making movies should definitely be "don't hire Blake Lively." She is just a dull, dead-eyed, somnambulist who brings no emotion to any scene... none. In fact, no actor in this movie appears to be trying and some of the heat has to fall on director Martin Campbell, who until this stinkbomb had a pretty good track record, including GoldenEye and The Mask of Zorro. But I'll cut him some slack because he had nothing to work with.

One of my biggest pet peeves in 2011 is that the same archetype characters who were the villains in '80s and 90's movies - the snarky, rich, great-looking, arrogant, popular guys - have become our protagonists. Indeed, Ryan Reynolds' Hal Jordan is a cocky, test pilot (only the most awesome job this side of "fleshlight tester"), with an amazing apartment right by the beach with a half-Asian roommate, and bangs any girl he wants. Ryan Reynolds might be the only person who can watch this movie and actually form an emotional connection with Hal. Movie-makers just don't seem to get that audiences need to feel something for the protagonist. The devil's advocate inside me says "but what about Bruce Wayne? You can't possibly feel for that billionaire playboy but you extoll the Batman movies, what gives?" This line of thinking fails to recognize the difference between what and who somebody is. Bruce Wayne may be a multi-billionaire, but Christopher Nolan took the time to show us in Batman Begins that after the deaths of Thomas and... Martha?... Wayne, the money, the company, everything, was meaningless to Bruce.

In fact, in Green Lantern we rarely have any clue what any character's motives are, and it's not because they are delightfully enigmatic. The worst of which has to be the post-credits scene where Sinestro - one of the main baddies in the Green Lantern universe, but a good guy in this movie - without any reason, puts on the Yellow Ring. This is a huuuuuuge missed opportunity. Why not explore Sinestro's motives for being tempted into putting on the ring?

I could go on for a very long time trashing this movie, and I likely already have, but I will stop now.

The Dilemma


I won't go on and on about this movie because honestly, it was completely forgettable. I honestly don't know what my problem was with it.

But I'm tired of writing today. Part II will include the "Lazy Retreads," "Whatever Happened to Comedies?" and more (possibly).