Several weeks ago, I started out by outlining the worst movies of 2011. This week's article will continue to list the movies that I thought were bad or at least sub-par.
Lazy Re-Treads
Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides
It seems the world will never get tired of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise - this fourth installment has grossed over $1 billion worldwide (an amount Justin Timberlake has told us is, in fact, cool). But I can name something with 2 thumbs who is tired of it. I'll admit, there's a certain charm to these movies, but at this point that is the only thing that kept On Stranger Tides out of the "Trainwrecks" category.
I don't think the well has run dry with potential for another good movie. I do think, however, that producers and writers know a cash cow when they see one and can say "fuck it" story-wise. This movie made no goddamn sense. A movie about the fountain of youth should be about the thirst to be young again, and nostalgia. In lieu of these themes we got some kind of father-daughter storyline and some mermaid subplot that wasn't the least bit interesting or resolved.
Also, I love 3D, with 2 caveats. First, it must be done properly. By this I mean the visuals must be beautiful to look at. Second, it must not be used as a gimmicky substitute for storytelling (Avatar excluded, the 3D visuals were worth the price of admission). This movie failed both tests.
Puss in Boots
It might be a misnomer to categorize a non-sequel as a re-tread, but let's be clear that there was nothing original about this movie, and spinoffs are kind of a grey area. The last two Shrek movies were plain lousy, but like a woman from shopping, they could not be stopped. The obvious way to squeeze more money from the franchise was to spin-off with the delightfully named Puss character.If I could sum up this movie in one word it would be "forgettable." Then I would say "fuhgedaboutit" to myself several times and chuckle (I just did). This wasn't necessarily a bad movie, it was just so f'ing lazy and direction-less. My biggest pet peeves are (a) when a movie refuses to define itself, and (b) when a movie doesn't realize what it is. This movie failed to do either one. Particularly, in movies of the animated/family genre, usually the children are meant to care about the general plot while the adults are meant to get the in-jokes, or vice-versa. I can't imagine anyone caring about Puss' plot, or it's jokes (unless you're a cat, in which case it might be hilarious).
An OK Movie about Animated Birds that Takes Place in Brazil
Rio
I couldn't think of another category for this movie, but it wasn't very good.
Knock knock. Who's there? That'll be $12, theater 5 on your left. I don't get it.
Hall Pass
Farrelly brothers, what happened to you? It's hard to believe the same duo that made Dumb & Dumber and Kingpin dropped this turd on us. I won't say this movie was devoid of laughs, for instance Jason Sudeikis' one-liners are superb, as per usual. It just... wasn't funny, and a hard "R" movie about 40-somethings trying to bang hot young chicks should be. Another nit-pick is that the first thing I thought when I walked out of the theater was that they left 30-45 usable minutes on the cutting room floor - scenes do not segue crisply at all, nor do some scenes have a discernable start and finish.
I also am very concerned for society that the funniest part of this movie is full frontal male nudity. Let's stop this trend.
Your Highness
This one fell flatter than Pineapple Express, which was okay I guess, but left much to be desired. I don't know why I had high hopes for this one, maybe it was the more prominent role given to the always-funny Danny McBride. McBride did bring the humor to this movie, and the result were a few genuine laugh-out-loud moments. Those moments however are tragically few and far between. It was a long time ago, but I don't think I laughed at a line by anyone but McBride. If David Gordon Green were a better movie-maker, he would've handed this one off to McBride and let everyone feed off him.
Paul
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are both funny dudes, just not in this movie. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't a bad movie, just one I'll probably never watch again. This movie left me feeling so blase that I can't even write about it. I will say that Kristen Wiig is hilarious in her role as a former straight-edge square, busting out for the first time (You ready to go? You bet your fat cock I am).
Bad Teacher
I enjoyed Bad Teacher more than the preceding movies, but I imagine my favorite of the 4 would be whichever I watched most recently. But I did have a major problem with this movie: Cameron Diaz plays the worst person ever. She doesn't have any redeeming qualities, not one. Yet *SPOILER ALERT* everything works out for her; she gets the right guy for her, she gets promoted, and most importantly, she ruins the life of a well-to-do teacher whose main failing is that she's a bit of a stickler to the rules. Towards the end of the movie, I was more disgusted with her moral transgressions than I was amused by them. Unless you're a sociopath, you're not supposed to be delighted by the bad guy screwing over everyone to get ahead, it is the point of literally every Leverage episode. The last third of the movie - the third that revolves mainly around Diaz' character's lying, cheating, and stealing her way ahead - dragged on for me, which is the best reason I have in grouping Bad Teacher as I am.
Diaz does manage to be very funny at times, but is outdone by the supporting cast. Justin Timberlake, all personal feelings aside, brings a great performance as the straight-edge, religious, and douchey substitute teacher. Jason Segel is great, albeit under-utilized. I am selling the less-famous supporting cast short by not listing their names one-by-one, but I still refuse to do it.
Most Over-rated Movies of the Year
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
I expect a lot of contention about these next few paragraphs...
I did not like this movie, at all really. Maybe I read a few sparkling reviews and set my expectations a little too high. Maybe I have no soul. Whatever the case may be, I am left astounded by much of the glowing word-of-mouth this movie got. Grantland.com suggested Andy Serkis as a possible best supporting actor nominee for his motion-capture work as Caesar the chimp. Are you fucking kidding me? I guess a lot of brow furrowing goes a long way.
I consider myself a very empathetic viewer. I well-up at certain car commercials for G's sake. But I felt nothing during this movie. Caesar's anguish didn't resonate with me. The only time I felt anything was when Malfoy got his.
That's not to say this movie sucked. In fact, it was perfectly watchable. It was also interesting and fitting, story-wise, as a prequel to the Planet of the Apes franchise, and potentially to sequels of its own. I just cannot fathom the film's quantitative and qualitative success.
Captain America: The First Avenger
For about the year leading up to Captain America's release, my expectations wavered back-and-forth with each passing commercial. But then the movie came out, and critics were almost unanimously impressed. Some labelled it the best superhero movie of the year. "Better than Thor? Better than X-Men?" I says. Upon viewing, I was flabbergasted. It reminds me of how after Superbad came out, any subsequent above-average comedy was labelled "better than Superbad." And you know what? It was complete and utter bullshit.
Again, this movie was perfectly watchable, but it was flawed through-and-through. Chris Evans is great... in small doses. He is not a lead. Evans is at his best in this movie as the improbably small weakling, but as the Cap, not so much. That's actually this movie in a nutshell. Downright captivating before Steve Rogers gets the super-soldier serum, but pretty empty afterwards. *SPOILER ALERT* If the protagonist's best friend dies, the viewer, and definitely the protagonist should feel something or react in some way. Not in this movie.
Great... Relative to Other Recent Horror Movies
Insidious
Insidious was NOT a great movie. The story was flat, the viewer isn't forced to care about the comatose child nor the pain it causes the parents. But it does give me hope for an upward trend in the quality of horror movies. By this I mean it was disturbingly creepy, without overt gore or cheap scares. I'm talking about the dad's photos, if you've seen it you KNOW what I'm talking about. It gives me chills as I'm writing this... I'm gonna stop here because I don't feel like having the night terrors tonight.
Part 3 (probably of 6) coming soon... but not too soon. I'm still trying to see a few more 2011 movies.
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