Terrible Movie that I Forgot to Put in Part 2
Everything Must Go
Will Ferrell is undoubtedly a very funny man. Anyone who would disagree is a cynical asshole. He is borderline revolutionary in Old School, Talladega Nights, Anchorman, Step Brothers and Zoolander (in which he is the best part... every one of his lines is downright cackle-inducing). He might even be an okay serious actor. But the man is too funny to spend any of his time taking serious roles in shitty movies, as is this film.
The set-up to this movie is absurd: his wife surprises him one day (the day he loses his job) by moving all his stuff out of the house, changing the locks, and *SPOILER ALERT* sleeping with his best friend. The rest of the movie consists of him beating the odds by not killing himself. It is one of the more boring movies I have ever seen. Oh, and Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's is less static than Ferrell's character in this movie. I HATE movies where nothing happens, and where there is no character development. This was one of them.
'Nother Movie That Shoulda Gone in Part 2
30 Minutes or Less
This movie belongs grouped with Bad Teacher, Hall Pass, and the like, but I watched it last week so tough luck. This movie had several things going for it, a capable cast, an appropriately simple plot and short- run time. It had a few laugh out-loud moments, usually during the moments of banter between Danny McBride and Nick Swardson.
Having said that, it has a lot working against it as well. First, the 2 leads are either miscast or poorly written... I can't decide which. I don't buy Jesse Eisenberg as a comedic lead. He's ideally cast as the dorky straight guy, whose contribution to the funny is his reactions to other characters. The makers of Zombieland used him perfectly. Eisenberg, as a snarky, crass, confrontational lowlife doesn't work for me, and I reiterate my complaints about Bad Teacher: the main protagonist is a piece of shit. It's not funny, as a bro, to watch a geeky, ugly, sarcastic piece of shit save the day and get the hot girl.
Aziz Ansari, on the other hand, works as the zany charicature archetype - that much is plainly clear from his work on Parks and Rec. As the straight guy, not so much. Reverse his and Jesse Eisenberg's roles, this might be a damn funny movie.
This Movie Knew Exactly What It Was
Troll Hunter
Many of you may not have heard of this Norwegian mockumentary. That's ok, many of you have never been to an authentic Hungarian thermal bath either... we can't all be cultured. Anyway, the thurst of this movie is that 3 college students find, what else, a troll hunter, and Sir Titular reluctantly agrees to let the group follow him. The audience is delightfully treated to up close and detailed footage of a number of different trolls of legend.
Troll Hunter was a lot of fun, but it did drag on at times and its characters were all one-dimensional. It also, perhaps intentionally, lacked any real denoument or resolution. What I'm trying to say is that something was definitely missing in what was otherwise a very enjoyable movie.
Indie Movie That Was Kinda Good Despite Being Woefully Misguided
There Be Dragons
Man, this movie was poorly directed. Roland Jaffe, director of The Mission, and The Killing Fields, reallllly mailed this one in. There Be Dragons is about two radically different lives in the midst of the Spanish Civil War. The first, recently canonized priest Jose Maria Escribal, is wonderfully acted and very promising, yet Jaffe decides to rush through this plot and end it abruptly, in favor of the B-plot. The B-story consists of a man, played by Wes Bentley (who is a terrible actor and, I can't stress this enough, has the worst Spanish accent I have ever heard), who is a spy for the Spanish government going undercover as a Communist rebel. This story is so f'ing weak, yet it somehow dominates the second half of the movie. There Be Dragons is one giant missed opportunity, but kudos to providing us with 1/3 of a good film.
Best Movie of the Year: Jason Bateman Category
Horrible Bosses
This is how to make a decent comedy. You take a central storyline that everyone can relate to - if you don't hate your boss then you know someone who does. Then you fill your roles with capable actors. And indeed, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day are two of the best comedy "jam-sesh" actors alive, and director Seth Gordon lets them do just that. Spacey, Bateman, Aniston, and Farrell all do good work in their roles as well, especially Spacey. Then keep the movie, well, moving. Too many comedies these days, and even some good ones, are stretched super-thin in the denoument. But when Bosses ended, I wanted more. As movies go, it's always better to be given a little less than a lot more.
The Movie People Will Look Down On Me For Not Liking
Tree of Life
Look, it's obvious that director Terence Malick is a very smart guy and for what it's worth, a brilliant filmmaker who probably thought Tree of Life perfectly translated his vision to the big screen. Having said that, I am of the belief that the essence of movies are entertainment value. I love art, and I can be profoundly stimulated by books and paintings and other media. But entertainment is one of, if not the essence of the film medium. That's not to say the two are mutually exclusive. I find that many of my favorite movies are ones that make me brood about the underlying subtext and themes for days on end. But entertainment cannot be entirely sacrificed at the hands of art, not in movies, not outside of film school. But that's essentially what Tree of Life has done.
Of the poor reviews I've read, many throw out the term "pretentious," which I feel is unfair. Malick had a vision, and executed it... good for him. He has done way more with his life by making this movie than I will probably ever do with mine. The pretentiousness, though, will definitely be palpable in conversations about the movie. I can guarantee that sometime in the coming weeks I will be conversing about movies and mention my distaste for this one, which is then refuted with "oh, you probably just didn't get it." This is the 2011 movie that people are literally afraid to say they dislike for fear of sounding dumb. But have no fear people, I didn't like this movie either and I got final jeopardy right last night (What was Hammurabi's Code?).
Thematically, Tree of Life is very provocative, but unfortunately we are beaten over the head with themes for long stretches that can absolutely be fast-forwarded. For example, a strong theme throughout the movie are the opposing forces of God and Nature, and to that end we are treated with a near half-hour stretch of images of star and planetary formations in space, single-celled organisms, dinosaurs (yes), waves crashing onto rocks, and a fetus in a womb. I'm not kidding when I said "a near half-hour stretch." I absolutely "got it," we're so small in scale and the result of soooo much conflict between opposing forces, sooo much had to happen for these vignettes of our childhood to have even occurred... blah blah blah.
Form-wise, I dare say Tree of Life is an obvious homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey (a pretty overrated, albeit good movie) without the added benefit of a plot. At least the stargate scene in 2001 was made to whet the appetites of stoners during the psychadelic boom of the 1960s and 1970s.
About said vignettes: it would be entirely unfair for me not to lend some praise to the middle third of the movie. It reads almost like a photo-album of childhood. When watching, I couldn't help but think of the random, and seemingly insignificant childhood memories which every single human alive has. You know the type, the memories that we will never forget, or that come to us at random times, that don't have much meaning to anyone else. But for whatever reason, they have meaning to you. Things got beautiful for about an hour there...
But like I said, Tree of Life failed to entertain. I actually fast-forwarded throughout the last 15 minutes of the movie (another excruciating sequence, this time about the main character, all grown-up, walking on a beach confronting and embracing the people as they were in his memories, mixed with images of sunflowers, bridges, trees, blah blah blah) and I guarantee I am none the worse for wear.
Obligatory Pixar Mention
Cars 2
I love Pixar movies. Love 'em. They have more goodwill than any other studio - 12 feature films without a bad apple in the peck. It seemed they were only getting better - Toy Story 3 and Up were experiences. But for some odd reason, the Cars franchise never appealed to me. I've been asked why, but I never knew. Maybe it was because I felt the anthropomorphism of toys was executed so flawlessly that I'd inevitably be disappointed by Pixar's such treatment of cars...
And I kinda was. Don't get me wrong, Cars and Cars 2 were charming films, they just lacked that magic Pixar blend of beautiful visuals with rich story-telling. Something was missing, but if I don't extoll this movie's virtues I'd be doing it a disservice. First, it's funny. The italiano cars are just a delight and more than make up for Larry the Cable Guy's building annoyances. Second, it's very well paced. Third, I can't say enough about the italiano cars. The movie's just a little overly ambitious. The first Cars was a story of a dying small town and the people, or cars, that are left there, trying to survive. It entreated the viewer to slow down and enjoy the journey rather than race to the finish. The sequel is a globe-trotting espionage adventure with a thin message that friends should never be taken for granted.
Impromptu rankings of Pixar movies from worst to first: Ratatouille, Cars 2, A Bug's Life, Cars, Toy Story 2, Wall-E, The Incredibles, Up, Toy Story, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, Toy Story 3. Note: arranging the best ones, from The Incredibles to Toy Story 3, involved a number of very very difficult life choices.
Animated Movies In Which James McAvoy Voices the Main Character (I can't believe there are more than 1 of these)
Arthur Christmas
This isn't an instant Christmas classic, and I don't believe it will be remembered as such. What it is rather, is a movie, packed full of fun, with simple messages - that every person has value and that it's the act of believing that makes Christmas special. Arthur is one of the more innocent and endearing characters in recent recollection - that one child might be disappointed on Christmas is a legitimate travesty to him. It is his sense of the importance of his mission (to use antiquated means - reindeer and a sleigh - to deliver the overlooked girl's Christmas gift in the waning hours before sunrise), that really drives the movie. In family movies, the plot is usually aimed to grap the child's attention and the writers throw in some jokes for adults that are harmless because children couldn't possibly understand. In Arthur Christmas, we get the exact opposite. The jokes are often corny and childish, but the plot is infused with the charm and heart that really reach the adult moviegoer. There is however, an alien-government subplot that fails on all levels.
Gnomeo & Juliet
Yeah, that's right, I said it. Gnomeo & Juliet is a good, and exceedingly charming animated movie. I understand it's derivative but the movie does nothing to hide that and one could do a lot worse than adapting Romeo and Juliet. In fact, the classic tale of forbidden love translates quite well to the context of garden ornaments. It doesn't have the large-scale adventure plot that many animated movies have these days for better (Finding Nemo, Kung Fu Panda 2) or worse (Puss in Boots, Cars 2). But the movie succeeds because it keeps it simple.
I expected that I would hate this movie. Specifically, I thought I'd be forced to shout out loud "we get it, you're garden gnomes!!!" But it wasn't annoying at all. For instance, there weren't really any "you the gnome!" jokes that I can remember. Instead, we are treated with genuine, even if at times sappy, humor. The character of Featherstone the Flamingo consistently made me laugh. And the story of the blind hatred between the "Reds" and the "Blues" is, I dare say, compelling. Gnomeo & Juliet light-heartedly and somewhat whimsically teaches viewers that it is painfully silly to hate someone because of, say, the color of their hat.
Just trust me, brah. You could do a lot worse, more dirty and shameful things with your time then watch a heartfelt, albeit dumbed-down retelling of a classic.
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We're getting closer. Part 4 of 6 coming soon. My plan is to have the actual CARMY nominees/winner the week of the Oscars.
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